My Poem

Another poem by me... I've been really bored, and I've done quite a few reviews, so I've decided to write a few poems.

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Sometimes I feel like nothing is right
I just want to leave, like a bird taking flight.
I want to leave out of the darkness and into the light
Where some one can hold me, safe in their arms,
Comfortably safe and cool, yet warm.
Somewhere where warm fuzzies know no bounds,
Where the God, the Christ, is always around.
So take me away on silent wings
To a peaceful haven where the sparrows sing
And when there the Lord will take away
The worries that haunt me every day.

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Yeah, so... please, help me make this poem better. I'm thinking of omitting the third line, but first I want to hear what everyone out there has to say.
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EDIT:

Revised poem:


Sometimes I feel like nothing is right
I want to go out of the darkness and into the light Got rid of that line and changed one word here
Where some one can hold me, safe in their arms,
Comfortably safe and cool, yet warm.
Somewhere where warm fuzzies know no bounds,
Where the God, the Christ, is always around.
So take me away on silent wings
To a peaceful haven where the sparrows sing
And when there the Lord will take away
The depression that haunts me every day. (I change it to depression because that explains more of what happened before)

Go you please tell me what punctuation to redo. Do I need a comma here, a semicolon there? I'm not great with punctuating poems, so I may need help with that.
Thanks,
-Macs

I think this is a great draft for a poem, certainly could use some cleaning up, but couldn't all things? ^^

I agree, the third line should probably be omitted. Not only does it throw off your rhyme scheme, but also you already talked about leaving. If you want to focus on the light, since later you talk about God and those two go together, perhaps remove the part about taking flight and instead talk about the light?

Try redoing the punctuation as well, so it is more grammatical and actually makes sense. This will help your poem flow better and be better understood by your readers.

I love the meaning behind your poem, going away from the worries and upsets and going to God and happiness, but I'm left wondering, what are you leaving behind? Why isn't anything right, and why aren't you safe? If you could give an example (notice I don't say explain! Show, don't tell. ^_~) of what you're leaving behind it would make the qualities of the new place stand out as greater and better. Compare them, you know? And don't just tell about them, describe them! That way I can feel as you do.

I love the ending of this poem, but it is kind of muddled by the rhyme scheme. It's your last two lines, they just sound strained, even though the message is great. Perhaps you should try writing this without the restraint of rhyming? Rhyming is great, but it is so difficult to get right.

I hope this helped and good luck with further writings! If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask.

Thank you so much for responding! I have to agree with you on all of your points, though it will be sort of hard to add description about where I (the narrator) was before. I'll try, though, and I think I will omit that second line instead of the third, but I will fix it all up.
Now here I got to edit my old post! Once edited, I'd love to hear more about ways I could fix it up.
-Macs

Hi Macs!

I can see where you are going with this poem. You say you want to go to a paradise to get away from your troubles. Give us some specific details. What would make you want to make such a dramatic exclamation?

When you say that God isn't always around, there might be an uproar from some of your religious readers. They would say that God is always there. So unless this is a religious poem, it would be best if you don't mention God.

On the fourth line, you say you want to be cool, yet you want to be warm too. What does this mean? I think you added the last bit just for syllable's sake. I suggest that you take away the part about being warm and add something that makes a little more sense.

So, if you have any more questions about this review, I would be happy to give you a much longer and more detailed one if you like.

Yours truly,
Princess

P.S. Only capitalize the beginning to a line when you actually need it. I know your computer may think that it is right, but it isn't. It confuses your readers.

Macs wrote:Another poem by me... I've been really bored, and I've done quite a few reviews, so I've decided to write a few poems.

EDIT:

Revised poem:


Sometimes I feel like nothing is right Why?
I want to go out of the darkness and into the light This is a little clunky, try to lose some syllables in here somewhere...
Where some one can hold me, safe in their arms,
Comfortably safe and cool, yet warm. Again, a little clunky, and a little confusing. Cool yet warm? It sounds like you were just looking for a word. Try "Comfortably safe, away from all harm" or something like that.
Somewhere where warm fuzzies know no bounds, How bout warm feelings?
Where the God, the Christ, is always around.
So take me away on silent wings
To a peaceful haven where the sparrows sing Take out the 'the'
And when there the Lord will take away Try taking out the when
The depression that haunts me every day.

Wow, all in all, a good poem. I'm a Christian, so I connect with the God part of it, but somehow it almost doesn't fit. At the beginning, you just want someone, but all of a sudden that "someone" has a name. See if you can't make that a little more workable. Choose one or the other.

Great shot!

~ Eden