The City That Never Sleeps Alone

The City That Never Sleeps Alone
By Angel of Death

{022. Kiss}

I look good, you know.
My eyes are still bright, even if I still need streetlights
Sometimes, when you think I'm just gonna lay down and die,
I get up and surprise you
Day and night
Night and day
I'm alive
You can spend the night on me baby
I'll keep you entertained
We can sleep in or go out
Whatever you want to do
We'll dine on prostitutes and trannies
beer cans and cigarette butts
screaming truck drivers and yellow taxi cabs
Yes, you can have whatever you want
And if you're feeling a little nostalgic,
we can kiss under the skyline
But let me worn you now, that my kisses aren't always sweet
Sometimes I get carried away

kay first off.. like the idea real cool.

but...

alright i'm not going to go into specifics because there are just too many little issues here.

first off, there are no poetry elements here. there is no syllabic similarity. there is no continued rhythm.
and even more desperately there isn't rhyming, which can take a group of words and give it a semblance of poetry.

well maybe ill go into a few specifics

My eyes are still bright, even if I still need streetlights

only line that remotely looked poetic but take out the comma and make those two separate lines.

We'll dine on prostitutes and trannies
beer cans and cigarette butts

what's that first line there supposed to mean? im sure its fine but it seems a little convoluted.

we can kiss under the skyline

why is kiss in this line (i know it isn't in mine) bolded?

But let me worn you now, that my kisses aren't always sweet

i think you mean warn

Sometimes I get carried away

carried away how? am i missing something?

Overall, needs to have a little more structure. some lines are confusing to me (probably because i don't live in NY or wherever). but on the whole i like the idea.

Thanks for the critique aloe!

This poem was written for a contest and the reason why kiss is bolded is because in this contest you have to use certain words and I just highlighted so that the judge can see that I used it.

Also, I've been writing poems for a while and I usually always rhyme. Narrative poems and lyric poems are the main types of poetry that rhyme. Dramatic poetry consists of thoughts and feelings from one person, and in this case, it's a city.

Quote:
We'll dine on prostitutes and trannies
beer cans and cigarette butts


what's that first line there supposed to mean? im sure its fine but it seems a little convoluted.

The story behind this poem is simple. I am not from New York either but seeing as though I've seen movies and pictures of New York, I get a feel of what kind of people live there, and such.

New York is simply a stomach of a City who has feelings, so basically this City is human. I don't know, if you want to check out the contest, here's the link: topic36748.html

Quote:
Sometimes I get carried away


carried away how? am i missing something?

I actually like how I ended this poem, but I'm not hard to convince, so if someone else thinks that its a problem, I'll get rid of it.

All in all, thanks for reading ^_^

~Angel