Letters to the earth

Submit me your voices, your legend,
Where the God of ancient pillars,
Crumbling red stone from his lips,
Smiled to his hands, loving, carnivorous.

A word, uttered from in-between
Of the pygmy brushes, perverted magic
Upon the wooden masks
Blistering sagged breasts -
Ailing pink, worth both artistic
And bridal commitments,
Blinking through tinted ivory.

And where earth caught his foot
And threw it back one more time
To her archenemy and continuation,
I stood, violent-cramping my throat,
Ready for home flights; instant messaging;

Another letter of revelation,
Or merely would-Be? Would.
Bee, bee, be! Me.

I would do a full review of this thing, but it is already fairly good. Though there is one thing: I don't understand what it is talking about. This poem is too abstract.
Here was your biggest mistake:

And where earth caught his foot

And threw it back one more time What do you mean? Is a tree root grabbing some one's foot and tripping him?

To her archenemy and continuation,

I stood, violent-cramping my throat,violent-cramping your throat? What?

Ready for home flights; instant messaging;this does not fit with the poem



Another letter of revelation,

Or merely would-Be? Would.

Bee, bee, be! Me.I don't understand!

Yeah... sorry to say, but it needs quite a bit of work in my opinion. I hope to see you got through it, or, better yet, re-write is altogether. Rewriting helps a lot.

-Macs

expiring_touch wrote:
Submit me your voices, your legend, YOUR LEGEND?
Where the God of ancient pillars,
Crumbling red stone from his lips,
Smiled to his hands, loving, carnivorous.

A word, uttered from in-between HUH?
Of the pygmy brushes, perverted magic
Upon the wooden masks
Blistering sagged breasts -
Ailing pink, worth both artistic
And bridal commitments,
Blinking through tinted ivory. WHAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS STANZA

And where earth caught his foot
And threw it back one more time
To her archenemy and continuation,
I stood, violent-cramping my throat,
Ready for home flights; [s]instant messaging[/s]; MSN? ARE YOU KIDDING OR?

Another letter of revelation,
[s]Or merely would-Be? Would.
Bee, bee, be! Me.[/s]

i DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT...SORRY...YOUR PUNCTATION IS A BIT..."TOO MUCH OF IT"...

Hi expiring!


It may just sound like a 13 year old kid talking here, but this poem (if you have read harry potter) sounds like something Luna Lovegood wrote. I really didn't get the gist of it at all.

If you are to write a poem, make sure you write it so your readers can actually understand it. This poem is completely random and not thought out.

Wait a second. *goes back to reread the poem*

Okay, when I read this poem, I am getting the vibes that you are talking about something very old and frozen in time, you know, like a tomb or something. Go with that. But, in the third stanza, it mentions instant messaging. It sends your reader two completely different messages.

You need to clue your reader in to what you are writing about. Never assume that they already know what you mean.

Honestly, I do believe this poem could win awards if it was about any other subject. You need to choose one subject to write about and keep with the subject.

Pm me if you have any questions.

-Prin

expiring_touch wrote:
(Hey there Expiring, I'm June and I'm going to review this for you )

Submit me your voices, your legend,
Where the God of ancient pillars,
Crumbling red stone from his lips,
Smiled to his hands, loving, carnivorous.

A word, uttered from in-between
Of the pygmy brushes, perverted magic
Upon the wooden masks
Blistering sagged breasts -
Ailing pink, worth both artistic
And bridal commitments,
Blinking through tinted ivory.

And where earth caught his foot
And threw it back one more time
To her archenemy and continuation,
I stood, violent-cramping my throat,
Ready for home flights; instant messaging;

Another letter of revelation,
Or merely would-Be? Would.
Bee, bee, be! Me.

Okay, you had me interested at the first stanza, but as I read through the poem, I lost interest. From the first stanza, I think it should have been continued as a focused poem, but it seemed to get a little random.

I almost don't see the point of it-- forgive me if I sound rude, but this kind of lacks meaning. The title doesn't fit at all with the poem-- it's kind of a disappointment.

It confused me a lot, and I didn't understand it at all. I really don't mean to sound rude

I probably won't be able to stop thinking about this poem, haha, until I can find some meaning behind it.

Keep writing

xxJune

xxJune

You went a little overboard with your descriptions dear. Over doing the imagery confuses the eye. When you are trying to paint as a masterpiece, be sure not to put to much paint down on the canvas, it might bleed through. ^^
It's lovely how you describe everything but you spent to much time trying to make your poem sound beautiful that I think you sort of forgot to make it beautiful. In other words, what was the point of this poem? Shouldn't it tell a story? Display a picture...Something along those lines? I'm sure if you just add a few lines the clearify what's going on in your masterpiece people will be able to appreciate it more. ^^