Exile: Chapter 1

Please note that this is my first post here and that I started writing in English four months ago. Hope its not a complete waste of time

Exile

This is the story of one man's journey, a journey filled with excitement, danger and tragedy. I tell this not because anyone has asked me to do so, for none could care less about what I have to say of my life. Perhaps I will earn a few silver radaii's, which certainly will not discourage me. I write this so, that I can review my life, and show the many mistakes of it. This is my story, the story of an exile.

My tale begins in the second year of war with Agalcia, after the disastrous defeat of Sorrai. The army needed more men, and people were drafted on a scale never before seen...

Chapter 1

I woke up. I rose from my uncomfortable hay bed, and eyed my surroundings with interest. The first thing I noticed was a small, intricate carving of a wolf's head on the dark wooden doors, something which had had escaped my attention yesterday, as I had entered the building sneaking in the dead of night. The space was lit by a dim old oil lantern which hung up just above the two wide doors. I pulled one of the doors open, and sunlight and fresh air flooded into the somewhat small building, which was used to store crops, as was evident from the large piles of hay and barley.

Outside were about sixteen other similar wooden buildings, all arranged in three inwards narrowing half circles, facing the mighty river Loker just a few hundred metres west. Two tall watchtowers also belonged to the manor, one facing the river, while the other guarded the farmlands east of the river and the manor.

I took a few steps outside and saw a large group of men, about a hundred strong men, gathered in the courtyard and armed with short spears and round wooden shields. A well dressed man approached me, his long grey cloak hanging from his narrow shoulders. He was not an impressing figure, barely a meter and a half tall, and his legs and arms were small and bony.
"Why are you not with the others?", he asked with a squeaking voice which almost made me laugh out loud, due to the authority the small man tried to put into his words. A smile appeared on my face. "Why are you smiling? Go to Cremp, now!" the man ordered, as if expecting me to know this Cremp fellow.

My smile quickly began to fade as I considered the situation. An army draft was clearly taking place, and my thoughts were immediately focused on thinking of a way to escape, as I had escaped the draft at the previous manor. My left hand curled around the small metal dagger hidden under my shirt. I decided that to escape a plan of action had to be thought of quickly, and that the dagger probably played a part in the escape. A plan then came to me, its daring and arrogance appealing to my dramatic nature.

"Why do you hold your chest? Are you ill?" asked the man.

"Could you show me where Cremp is?" I asked, completely ignoring his question, and my left hand's grip around the dagger firmed. The grey cloaked man seemed to be surprised by the question, but turned nonetheless towards the small training ground.

"He is over there," he pointed but suddenly stopped as I pulled my dagger with a quick move and placed it onto his small throat. "I have here this..." I said with a booming voice which easily carried to the men currently training, but halted as I noticed a flaw in my plan. I did not know the man's name.

My voice lowered, I asked the man: "What is your name?"

"R..Randor," he answered with a frail, frightened voice.

"Ah, excellent," I exclaimed. "Indeed I have here this Randor fellow, and will with, I'm sorry, without hesitation slice open his throat if a horse is not provided for me, now," I said and hasty men stumbled on each other as they rushed towards the stables. I was extremely satisfied at the smoothness at which my plan worked, clearly this Randor fellow was of importance, for otherwise I would already have been shot, an arrow sticking from my lifeless corpse, as the men would have decided that to take me down would have had a greater importance than the life of my captive. Soon a strong, brown horse was brought to me, and I held my farewell speech as always. "Dear men of this manor, Our time together has been a short one but..." I jumped onto the horse, shoving Randor on to the soldiers. " ...I dearly hope you have enjoyed it," I finished and urged the horse onwards, leaving the manor, and around one hundred stupefied men behind me, who had all dropped their weapons as they had charged to get me the horse.

Please note that this is my first post here and that I started writing in English four months ago. Hope its not a complete waste of time

Yes but you have read the entirety of the Horus Herecy trilogy which might have taught you some English.

Outside were about sixteen other similar wood made buildings, all arranged in three inwards narrowing half circles, facing the mighty river Loker just a few hundred metres west.

Wood made?? Why not just Wooden?

I took a few steps outside and saw a large body of men, about hundred men strong, gathered in the courtyard and armed with short spears and round wooden shields

Why not "About a hundred strong men..."

Go to Lemp,

Other people who read this review might not know what I'm talking about... but you do... Ho dareth thee!!! Lemp! **Growls angrily**

"Ah, excellent," I exclaimed and raised my voice

When you exclaim, you already raise your voice.

"Indeed I have here this Randor fellow, and will with, I'm sorry, without hesitation slice open his throat if I am not provided a horse, now," I said and the men stumbled on each other as they charged towards the stables.

"Indeed I have here this Randor fellow, and will with, I'm sorry, without hesitation slice open his throat if I am not provided a horse, now," I said. The men stumbled on each other as they charged towards the stables. I would wan an adjective here. How did they stumble?

I finished and urged the horse onwards, leaving the manor, and around one hundred stupefied men behind me.

Why didn't the men shoot him?

Why didn't you MC just keep his hostage and the throw him away when he rode away?

Nice sory, contine writing it.

This is a good start. Much of my critigue is the same as Lord Anzius'.

You just started writing in English? That's impressive! This isn't even your native language, yet you write wonderfully.

I woke up

*Yawn* Not that there's anything wrong with the sentence, but it seems so... generic. Any one's character can wake up. What can you say that will immediately invest us in the character?

building I was residing with interest.

I would say "...building I was residing in with interest." or "building I had slept in..." But you need a word after residing.

which was used to storage crops.

Should read, which was used to store crops. How does he know it's used to store crops? Are there crops in there? Tell us!

My left hand curled around the small metal dagger hidden under my shirt, deciding that to escape I had to think of a way quickly, and that the dagger probably played a part in the escape

Couple things here...

1. He puts his hand down his shirt? That would be a bit obvious lol
2. Whoa! Run on sentence here! Break it up into several sections.

dramatical nature.

Sorry, dude. Dramatical isn't a word. Your character's nature should be described as dramatic.

Finally:
Everytime a new person speaks, you need to form a new paragraph. You have written several people's talking parts into the same paragraph.

This is a good start, it just needs some revising.

Hope this helped!

Thanks for the critique, I will fix those things soon, and Anzius the Horus Herecy is spelled Horus Heresy , it is not a trilogy , and I haven't read the 9th book yet .

Also Anzius:

a large body of men, about hundred men strong

the about hundred men strong referrers (right spelling ) to the body of men itself, not its individuals. So the body (group) of men was one hundred men strong. Or so I meant it to be understood.

It has nine books... Oh mi God.

Well anyways I'm back and I am going to review it again (as you told me that you had edited it. )

Oh and about the "hundred men strong" thing, it sounds confusing, just make it easier for all of us and dump the body word from it, rephrase it completely, and o one will comment on that part again.

I woke up.(like haruno just said, use something else to start the story, something that will make us read forward.) I rose from my uncomfortable hay bed and eyed the wooden building I was residing in with interest. (what did you just write there? use more punctuation, semicolons, periods and commas, why don't you write it like this: I rose from my uncomfortable hay bed and eyed the wooden building I was residing in, with interest... Or just rephrase it completely.) The first thing I noticed was a small, intricate carving of a wolf's head on the dark wooden doors, something which I had not noticed yesterday as I had entered the building in the dead of night. The space was lit by a dim old oil lantern which hung up just above the two wide doors. I pulled one of the doors open, and sunlight and fresh air flooded into the somewhat small building, which was used to store crops, as was evident from the large piles of hay and barley.

Stop repeating the word I!!!! I know it's hard to do so in first person stories, but it is not impossible. I used to do it but then about a million people complained about it, then I learned to replace the word I with something else.

Outside were about sixteen other similar wooden buildings, all arranged in three inwards narrowing half circles, (Which were) facing the mighty river (try to use some punctuation here, or just rephrase this part, it sounds so confusing. You have to find a way to separate the name off the river so, that we understand that the "Loker" is the river. I had to read this part twice to understand that Loker was the name of the river.) Loker just a few hundred metres west. Two tall watchtowers also belonged to the manor, one facing the river, while the other guarded the farmlands east of the river and the manor.

I took a few steps outside and saw a large body of men, about hundred men strong, gathered in the courtyard and armed with short spears and round wooden shields. A well dressed figure (why not just "a man"? Why a figure?) approached me, his long grey cloak hanging from his narrow shoulders. He was not an impressing figure, barely a meter and a half tall, and his legs and arms were small and bony.
"Why are you not in your formation?", he asked with a squeaking, childlike (You could just leave "childlike away, how can someones voice be squeaky and childlike? I can't even imagine it.) voice which almost made me laugh out loud, due to the authority the small man tried to put into his words. A smile appeared on my face. "Why are you smiling? Go to Cremp, now!" the man ordered, as if expecting me to know this Cremp fellow. ( you just changed one letter from the name, how dareth you )

My smile quickly began to fade as I considered the situation. An army draft was clearly taking place, and I immediately began to think of a way to escape, as I had escaped the draft at the previous manor. My left hand curled around the small metal dagger hidden under my shirt. I decided that to escape I had to think of a way quickly, and that the dagger probably played a part in the escape. A plan then came to me, its daringness (are you sure this is an actual word?) and arrogance appealing to my dramatic nature.

I, I I I I. again with the I!!! And how do you keep a dagger inside a shirt? Explain that in your text.

Ah, excellent," I exclaimed. "Indeed I have here this Randor fellow, and will with, I'm sorry, without hesitation slice open his throat if I am not provided a horse, now," I said and hasty men stumbled on each other as they rushed towards the stables. I was extremely satisfied at the smoothness at which my plan worked, clearly this Randor fellow was of importance, for otherwise I would already have been shot, an arrow sticking from my lifeless corpse, as the men would have decided that to take me down would have had a greater importance than the life of my captive. Soon a strong, brown horse was brought to me, and I held my farewell speech as always. "Dear men of this manor, Our time together has been a short one but..." I jumped onto the horse. " I dearly hope you have enjoyed it," I finished and urged the horse onwards, leaving the manor, and around one hundred stupefied men behind me, who had all dropped their weapons as they had charged to get me the horse.

Good work with editing this part. Now you just have to remember this in your next chapter... Your MC still has Randor with him.

In overall: Great work, keep it up, your choices of words are colourful but you have some technicalities that hold you back, but that is why we have YWS. No?

tell me when the next chapter is ready. And we have to get on with the writing of OUR book.

Regards Anssi E.

***********************************************************************************

**~~Lord Anzius~~ WUZ HERE WITH HIS BODYGUARDS AND DEMON AND HE RODE A PINK ELEPHANT **

Nine books so far. Could you help me and give me ideas as to a better way to begin the story, since as always I'm out of ideas. Also if you could help reducing the continuous I,I,I. I (sorry for using I again ) respect the critique but could use more ideas as how to fix the problems. Besides the secong chapter is out. Thanks very much for the critique everyone. (everyone so far= Anzius and Haruno)

I think that you have something going here, it's really interesting so far. I do have one suggestion though.

It seems a bit fast paced, there isn't much character development in the first chapter, so, it's hard to really connect with this man. We don't even know his name, or his motives for that matter. I'm not really saying tell us all about him, but maybe give us a little bit

For the beginning, it's very very cliche to start a story with the main character waking up. Maybe have him daydreaming about something in the past to create a history for him.

Oh, and welcome to YWS! PM me if you have any questions.

On to read chap. 2
~Once

Moi! Täällä ollaan koska sanoit kerran että sun tarinat on tyhjiä kuin Springfieldin kirjasto

Amniel wrote:Exile

This is the story of one maybe 'a'? man's journey, a journey filled with excitement, danger and tragedy. I tell this not because anyone has asked me to do so, for none could care less about what I have to say of my life. Perhaps I will earn a few silver radaii's, which certainly will not discourage me. I write this so, no comma that I can review my life, and show the many mistakes of it. This is my story, the story of an exile.

My tale begins in the second year of war with Agalcia, after the disastrous defeat of Sorrai. The army needed more men, and people were drafted on a scale never before seen... Never seen before, I think.

Chapter 1

I woke up. Hmm, not very 'Woah! I want to keep reading!' I mean, of course I want to keep reading, but you could start more interestingly, i.e. 'A loud bang [or whatever] woke me up' or something. I rose from my uncomfortable hay bed, and eyed my surroundings with interest. Maybe 'curiously' instead of 'with interest? The first thing I noticed was a small, no comma intricate carving of a wolf's head on the dark wooden doors, something which had [s]had[/s] escaped my attention yesterday, as I had entered the building sneaking in the dead of night. You're going ahead of things now, by telling about that sneaking, I think. Wait a little. The space was lit by a dim old oil lantern which hung up just above the two wide doors. 'Wide' seems weird. Maybe completely ditch it? I pulled one of the doors open, and sunlight and fresh air flooded into the somewhat small building, which was used to store crops, as was evident from the large piles of hay and barley.

Maybe it's just me being tired, but so far I don't have a clear idea what's going on...

Outside there were about sixteen other similar wooden buildings ditch either 'other' or 'similar', all arranged in three inwards narrowing half circles, facing the mighty river Loker just a few hundred metres west. Two tall watchtowers also belonged to the manor, one facing the river, while the other guarded the farmlands east of the river and the manor. Repetition of 'manor' here, doesn't sound good.

I took a few steps outside and saw a large group of men, [s]about a hundred strong men,[/s] gathered in the courtyard and armed with short spears and round wooden shields. A well dressed man approached me, his long grey cloak hanging from his narrow shoulders. He was not an impressing I think it's 'impressive'? figure, barely a meter and a half tall, and his legs and arms were small and bony.
"Why are you not with the others?" Which others?, he asked with a squeaking voice which almost made me laugh out loud, due to the authority the small man tried to put into his words. A smile appeared on my face. I don't think this is necessary, even when there's the next sentence. By saying you almost laughed out loud, the reader will automatically suppose that you're smiling. At least I will. "Why are you smiling? Go to Cremp, now!" the man ordered, as if expecting me to know this Cremp fellow. If he doesn't know a Cremp, how can he know he's/it's a human?

My smile quickly began to fade as I considered the situation. An army draft was clearly taking place, and my thoughts were immediately focused on thinking of a way to escape, as I had escaped the draft at the previous manor. My left hand curled around the small metal dagger hidden under my shirt. I decided that to escape a plan of action had to be thought of quickly, and that the dagger probably played a part in the escape. A plan then came to me, its daring and arrogance appealing to my dramatic nature. It doesn't seem right that he's describing his nature as 'dramatic'. Also, you're repeating the word 'escape' here, watch that.

"Why do you hold your chest? Why are you holding. Are you ill?" asked the man.

"Could you show me where Cremp is?" I asked, completely ignoring his question, and my left hand's grip around the dagger firmed. The grey cloaked man seemed to be surprised by the question, but turned nonetheless towards the small training ground. I wish I was able to use the word 'nonetheless'.

"He is over there," he pointedcomma but suddenly stopped as I pulled my dagger with a quick move and placed it onto his small throat. "I have here this..." Awkwardly phrased, and the idea isn't clear enough. (I only realized what he was talking about when I read more.) I said with a booming voice which easily carried to the men currently training, but halted as I noticed a flaw in my plan. I did not know the man's name.

My voice lowered, when I asked the man: "What is your name?"

"R..Randor," he answered with a frail, frightened voice.

"Ah, excellent," I exclaimed. "Indeedcomma I have here this Randor fellow, and will with, I'm sorry, without hesitation slice open his throat if a horse is not provided for me, now Use italics instead of bold.," I said and hasty men stumbled on each other as they rushed towards the stables. I was extremely satisfied at the smoothness at which my plan worked, clearly this Randor fellow was of importance, for otherwise I would already have been shot, an arrow sticking from my lifeless corpse, as the men would have decided that to take me down would have had a greater importance than the life of my captive. Too long sentence... chop it. Soon a strong, brown horse was brought to me, and I held my farewell speech as always. How come 'as always'? "Dear men of this manor, Our time together has been a short one but..." I jumped onto the horse, shoving Randor on to the soldiers. " ...I dearly hope you have enjoyed it," I finished and urged the horse onwards, leaving the manor, and around one hundred stupefied men behind me, who had all dropped their weapons as they had charged to get me the horse.

Okay. I, as well, think that your English is very, very good considering how little you have studied it yet. About the story, however, I think that you're not giving us enough background for the story, and thus it's hard to understand. We don't really know anything, and still we're supposed to understand why he is leaving, threatening the men, needing the name of the man, etc. etc. Maybe the mysteriosity is the catch, but it doesn't work very well, since you just leave the reader confused about everything.

Your language is flowing, though, and I'm sure this'll be an exciting story. Keep writing!

Nähdään!


Demeter
xxx

I woke up. I rose from my uncomfortable hay bed, and eyed my surroundings with interest. The first thing I noticed was a small, intricate carving of a wolf's head on the dark wooden doors, something which had had escaped my attention yesterday, as I had entered the building sneaking in the dead of night. The space was lit by a dim old oil lantern which hung up just above the two wide doors. I pulled one of the doors open, and sunlight and fresh air flooded into the somewhat small building, which was used to store crops, as was evident from the large piles of hay and barley.

I did this, I did that... Not the best way to start an Action/Adventure story. But since you mentioned that you learned english only four months ago, I'll give you a break. To fix the I problem, I would suggest that you rearrange you sentance structures. The first sentance is way to long and should be shortened. Also in this paragraph you do all tell, hardly any show. You also use to many adjectives. This bores the reader to death. Especially when you use hardly any metaphors or symbols. Your first paragraph could look like this:

I awoke to an uncomfortable feeling that couldn't seem to leave. Rising from the bed, I noticed the problem. The scratchy makeshift bed had left hay pricking into my back and sides....
You see, I wasn't used that many times here. I would suggest that you also take off the ...as was evident.... it sounds tacked on, and you have mentioned the hay already.

Overall, you did alot of telling instead of showing. Don't bore the reader by tons of adjetives. Only use ones that are signifigant. Also, you're dialogue in this sounds a bit false, unhuman. You describe the settings a bit too much. Use some metaphors. Its an interesting story line. Good luck, practice makes perfect. Keep writing.

~Alyss

Thanks very much for reviewing! We have a saying in Finland; "Kiitos tuhannesti" which crudely translates to "Thanks for a thousand times" not sure how correct that sounds though so I just used a more familiar first sentence. Oh well

Okay, I'm not the greatest at editing, but here goes!
First of all, you do a lot of telling when you should be showing. I'm sure you've heard the saying: 'Show not Tell'. You do good in some parts, but after that, the Tell takes over and you will BORE your readers to DEATH!!!
Second, you have a lot of dialogue but you don't paragraph them! Like this.

Why are you not with the others?", he asked with a squeaking voice which almost made me laugh out loud, due to the authority the small man tried to put into his words. A smile appeared on my face. "Why are you smiling? Go to Cremp, now!" the man ordered, as if expecting me to know this Cremp fellow.
You could make it sound like this:

"Why are you not with the others?" He asked in a sqeaking voice.
I could hardly keep the smile off of my face. I was amused by the authority the small man tried to put into his words. This seemed to anger the man.
"Why are you smiling?" He said as his face turned red in anger. "Go to Cremp right now!"
The man ordered me as if I knew where this Cremp fellow was and who he was.
See, that's how to paragraph dialogue. Just remember that next time.
You did really well writing this, but you just need to make sure to read and reread so people can understand and enjoy your story!
Best Wishes,
Lucy Pennykettle
"Writing is what makes kid's imaginations flow.

This was a pretty interesting read. And I can't believe you just started writing in English like four months ago. So cool! Not much to say here since everyone else practically tore it to pieces. But ya, the dialogue part is kinda wrong in places and too much telling. But everyone makes that mistake. I do too but you just gotta keep working on that and tada! You are then showing lol. Keep up the good work. I enjoyed it.