My Sick Country

"We leave tomorrow morning!"

Informed my dad, after we were done packing the few things we would need to move to a totally new country. We were all going to Dubai, Karachi was just not a place to live at any more. All the bombings the political unrest, every day was like a countdown till there was no man living. Who would want to live here? I was glad we made this decision.
My mother came in the living room with milk and said;
"Why don't you go get some rest, I will wake you guys up at seven."
My brother and I went to our rooms and got ready for bed. That night something happened, something so horrific it really left an impact.

My mother was having a neck pain. so we took her to the hospital. It was supposed to be a normal check-up. When my mom got there the doctor did some tests and told her to take some pain killers;
"As of now take some pain killers, if the pain doesn't go away come see me, i might have to do some other tests."
That night she took the pain killers with a glass of milk, and went off to bed hoping everything would be fine in the morning. The next morning, the pain seemed to get worse. She had to go to the doctor and then the doctor asked a few questions;
"Do you suffer with sinus congestion?"
"Yes doctor, but i think that’s just the nasal distortion. Why is it something serious?"
"Well, ammm."
He paused for a while and the news we got after that was devastating;
"I am so sorry to tell you this, but there might be slight chances of throat cancer. We would like you to take some tests, that’s the only way we could be positive of your condition and start with the cure."
We were left speechless, no one was able to believe it. It was my dad who broke the ice;
"But doctor it cant be. I am sure its just a neck strain and nothing else."
"Mr.Shabbir try to understand, the tests are important. You might as well be right. but we need to be certain."
"But Doc-"
My mother cut him off;
"What tests will I have to take?"
"We will do a needle biopsy, after that we will decide whether to do surgery or use radiation"

That ride home was the longest ever. Every one was quiet no one knew how to react. After a long time i was on the prayer mat;
"She is a good lady Allah Mian (God), you cant take her, not so soon!"
I couldn't understand what was going on. Everyone was in a trance no one was talking to each other. That dinner was the most memorable one yet. I remember seeing myself on my mom’s lap later that night. I couldn’t accept what ever was to come.
“Everything will be fine Beta (Son).” She said with expecting eyes.

The next morning was supposed to be her diagnostic day but when I got up every one was back in their daily routine. No one was doing anything. I called my dad and didn’t pick up. Left me a text message saying he was busy in work. Wasn’t my mother’s health important. How can my brother go out with friends and my dad go to work like nothing was wrong. I went to my room and crashed on the bed.
“No!” I gave a scream.

The next thing I knew was I woke up from this nightmare, with the following words on my lips;
“I cannot leave her to die!”

Wow, you have a good writing style. A few things I noticed...

we would need to move to a totally new country.

You should probably remove the 'totally.' I think it would sound better without it.

We were all going to Dubai, Karachi was just not a place to live at any more.

Replace the comma with a semicolon.

I will wake you guys up at seven.

In my opinion, mother wouldn't say 'you guys' to her husband and son *or daughter*...

When my mom got there the doctor did some tests and told her to take some pain killers;

I think you should get rid of the 'my mom.' Shouldn't it be 'we?' Oh, and the semicolon has to go.

That's all I wanted to point out. Great job!

thanks
hehehe and well i know the last blunder u pointed out =D
heheheh noticed that LATER...
oh and my mom totally says you guys

Hey there Hassan, you were the random piece that was up the top of the page, so I come to review. xD

We leave tomorrow morning!"

I have a hatred of starting stories with dialogue, I just don't like it much, to start a piece with dialogue, I think it'd have to be incredibly strong dialogue, which I'm afraid yours is not. I do not mean that in a harsh way, I mean it simply to help you, after all, I'm sure you'd prefer me to help correct the wrong parts, rather than pretending everything was perfect, we're all here to improve. xD


Okay, there were quite a few grammar issues but I'm sure you'll be able to work them out yourself, if not just ask and I shall come back and help again. xD

See, this piece has the potential to be great. I'm really sorry if it's a true story, and if it is I really hope the affected person is okay. Really really hope.

Your knowledge was great, if it was research or whatnot, I don't know, but you did really well in your facts. I believed them.

What you need is more emotive language, describe how you feel and how you think. The characters' thoughts and feelings are very important in a piece like this. I want to know more about your character's thoughts so that I can empathise with him, I want to understand how he felt, how he still feels and how he thought. Did he think positively or negatively? Was he hopeful or did he dread the future? Give us little emotive details and we'll be able to feel for your characters.

Use imagery too. Figurative language could really make this piece.

Small details make pieces like this, what did it smell like what did it sound like? What could the character see? Use similes and metaphors to paint the scene.

One other thing for you to fix is characterization. Show your characters questioning themselves, questioning the world, thinking about people and thoughts, interacting with others. Give them quirks and human qualities. Make them come off the page. They are real to you, right? Make them real to us.

Think of it as this;

You are an artist with a blank canvas you have drawn the outline of your picture, now you need to colour it in show us all the little details.

Hope I helped
~Kirsten
xoxo

Hey Hassan!

Dialogue tags such as "he said" and "informed my dad" (from the beginning of your story) should be in the same paragraph as the dialogue. I'm not sure if that's a mistake that occured while posting, or if at the beginning you purposefully put the dialogue and the dialogue tag in seperate paragraphs. Either way, keep them connected.

He paused for a while and the news we got after that was devastating;

Here you need to use a colon and not a semi-colon. You do this in several other places in the story, and it's an incorrect use of a semi-colon.

Anyway, this story has a touching storyline that you are approaching, but the issue here is that these are events without any description of characters or setting. Only things are happening, and the reader is given no clue into what this family is actually like outside the fact that they're going through a family travesty right now. There needs to be description of what the father is like, what the mother is like, and the child. Right now, we only have snippets of their dialogue that is only related to the actions in the story, and not really any interaction with each other too much. You need to add more dimensions to the characters, give them personalities that show in their interactions throughout the story.

For instance, as the events happen, focus on what the child is experiencing. What is he thinking when he hears the news? As he sits with his family? And include setting descriptions and sensory details. What does the child see, smell, hear, touch as he goes through the diagnosis of his mother? All these details allow us to get into the child's experience and the events begin to touch the reader through this.

Also, you don't always capitalize your I's. Try to be consistent with capitalization; it looks amateurish to have uncapitalized letters in your writing. Easily fixed though.

PM me with questions.

~ Clo