Dismissed

***This song is supposed to be a very laid back, acoustic/piano/violin sorta song, except in the bridge after the 2nd chorus, it's just soft piano, and then in the final chorus, the song switches over to electric guitar, bass, drums, the works. but nothing too intense. kinda like how "dont forget" by demi lovato and "lovebug" by the jonas brothers start out soft and end with a big bang.***


[v1] Why must you treat me this way?
Do you see me as a threat?
Are you jealous of me and Brett?
Too bad honey, the boy's mine, now go away

[v2] You don't seem so cool, you seem stupid
If you make one more face at me, I'll lose it
Jealousy could be a factor
The party'll pass, we could be together soon thereafter

[b] I know what you think of me,
But now here's what I think of you

[c] All you do is treat me like junk
Never even tried to make friends with me as I did with you
I guess now you're out of luck
'Cause I'm going to ignore you if that's all you ever do, to me
But what if it's not jealousy?
And you don't care about me and him?
Well then you're making an even greater sin
It's pointless to write a song about this
You're dismissed

[v3] Everybody welcomes the new girl
Except for you, you dislike me, so it seems
What did I ever do wrong?
He's not my boyfriend, but we do got it going on
I'm not quitting this time
I want to make him mine
And you can't stop that from happening

[c] All you do is treat me like junk
Never even tried to make friends with me as I did with you
I guess now you're out of luck
'Cause I'm going to ignore you if that's all you ever do, to me
But what if it's not jealousy?
And you don't care about me and him?
Well then you're making an even greater sin
It's pointless to write a song about this
You're dismissed

[b] Tell me tell me why must you dislike me so much?
Am I stealing your thunder?
Too bad I don't care much about your first impressiong hunch
Of here's how I see you think of me

[c] All you do is treat me like junk
Never even tried to make friends with me as I did with you
I guess now you're out of luck
'Cause I'm going to ignore you if that's all you ever do, to me
But what if it's not jealousy?
And you don't care about me and him?
Well then you're making an even greater sin
It's pointless to write a song about this
You're dismissed
You're dismissed
I'll see you soon maybe now maybe never
Now it's your turn to croon just pull the lever
And I'll be dismissed

little_miss_obsessed wrote:Too bad I don't care much about your first impressiong hunch
Of here's how I see you think of me

please just ignore the random "g" in "first impression."
i just made a silly typo. completely accidentally that the g is there.
thanks!

I like the idea that you've started with - I like that you've got a story behind it. You've got a basic song down.

Now, I'd work with rewording the song so that there's a flow and rhythm to it - think about how you want the song to be sung (make up a melody or whatever) - and rewrite what you've got now to fit it.

For example, you wrote:

[v1] Why must you treat me this way?
Do you see me as a threat?
Are you jealous of me and Brett?
Too bad honey, the boy's mine, now go away

[v2] You don't seem so cool, you seem stupid
If you make one more face at me, I'll lose it
Jealousy could be a factor
The party'll pass, we could be together soon thereafter

In the first verse, the first three lines are pretty similar in length... the last line is kind of long though... maybe cut out the "now go away"

In the second verse, all of your lines are longer so they don't really "match" the first word so I'm not sure how it'd work with music. In addition, I'm not sure how the last line fits with the first three - is yit you and Brett's party or is it the party the other person is throwing? I'd probably go with something like:
"You're not so cool, hey stupid
I'll lose it at one more face
Maybe it's jealousy but
The party won't last forever"

Just a thought...

The story's definitely there though!