The Dream Book Chapter 1

The group up ahead stopped all of a sudden. Dead end. A woman in the back of the group was thinking to herself, why am I down here in Brazil in a cave with a bunch of dirty locals who don’t speak a word of English?

The woman stood sixty-nine inches tall. She had piercing, Azul colored eyes and had chestnut brown hair that fell down her back. She had olive colored skin that loved long days in the Mediterranean sun like her ancestors. She was well built and had toned features. She worked out every day that she could. She had soft features but a strong incisive gaze that men were momentarily fixed in whenever they see her.

“Shine that light over here.” The woman’s handsome partner said. He gazed at her with his olive green eyes. He stood at seventy-two inches with sandy blonde hair cut short. He had an athletic build used to strenuous work. He was on the water polo team in college. He then kept his form by doing fifty laps a day in the college pool. He on the other hand had rough features but a soft gaze that only hardened when you made him angry or he was in deep thought about something.

She sighed and lazily threw her beam to where he pointed at and she gasped briefly, there on the wall was a raven. He, the girl’s partner, pushed on the raven and the walls on the left and right crumbled.

“Which one do we take?” She asked excitedly.

“We should really split up.”

She smiled. “Trust me. I can do it if you just let me try.”

He smiled back. “Oh, alright I trust you.” The man squeezed her hand and he went off to the left as she went off to the right.

She made her way down a dark tunnel as the ceiling got lower and lower. Eventually, she had to crawl up a ramp at yet another dead end but then she could stand again. She was in awe as she stood up and dusted herself off, before her lay a utopia in ruins. Weeds covered most of the stone while the other stones uncovered were cracked and crumbling. It was ruined yet it was beautiful at the same time. As she walked down a whole flight of steps she made her way to a crumbling building, but not just any building, a palace. She stopped and stared.

This is why she was in Brazil.

She smiled and walked ahead to the huge Crumbling Palace of Brazil. As she entered she heard rustling all around her but could not see anyone or anything. She grabbed a torch hanging in a bracket and lit it with a lighter. Out of her satchel she pulled out a weathered old map and held it up to her light. She followed the map down what used to be a hallway and turned into a huge room.

The ceiling was very tall and as she looked up she could see patches of light leaking through the ceiling begging to be let in. As she was looking up at the ceiling she stumbled on some fallen ceiling pieces and ate the dirt. She heard swooshing over her head and next to her landed an arrow. She touched the tip with her finger and tasted her finger tip.

“Poison, I should have known.” She quickly spat the poison out. She decided the best idea would be to crawl on her stomach the rest of the way. As she reached a platform she realized that this was what she was looking for. She slowly got up and felt her way along until, “Oooof!” Her stomach collided with a solid object. She took out her lighter and held it high, giving off more light. It was like a huge sarcophagus but not for a human. It was in some local dialect of Portuguese that she could not understand. She groaned with frustration, she hated asking for her partner’s help, and took out some wax paper and shading charcoal.

She shaded the writing onto the paper and shoved it into her satchel bag that hung at her waist. She went back the way she came and then went left instead of right to find her partner. As she was walking she saw some sunlight ahead. She came up on it and jumped.

There was one of the locals pinned against the wall with a spear; she shakily moved on. She found another torch and lit it. As she moved on avoiding the patches of light she came to a slope unexpectedly and tumbled down it. She finally came to a stop with her face in the dirt. She heaved a sigh and got up. As she dusted herself off she heard something. It sounded like muffled screams. She slowly edged her way toward a wall. A hand grabbed her ankle and she screamed.

“Hey, is that you Jack?” Dr. Gregory Jones was his job title and Dr. Lily-Rose Cameron was hers but they both despised their first names. So everyone called him Jones and she preferred to be called Jack for some unknown reason.

“Oh my God, Jones is that you? What are you doing?”

“I’m trapped behind this wall. Did you pass a guy on your way out?”

“Yeah.”

“Well did you stop him?”

“No need he is stopped, permanently. He ran into the light and got speared through. Jones what happened?”

“We were betrayed Jack. I killed the rest in here but that bastard pushed me in here and got away just as the trap closed.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Look for a release switch somewhere.”

Cameron searched in the dark for something, anything to get Jones out of the trap. All she found was rough rock but wait! Her hands felt a concave in the wall. She found another dip in the concave and pulled on it. She heard a shout for joy.

“Wait Jones! I need you to translate something I found.” She shoved the wax paper through the hole and heard rustling on the other side. Everything was silent for awhile.

“Ah yes, this says ‘Beware of your action. You might not like the consequences.’”

“Whatever happened to the fancy riddle?”

Jones laughed, “Well I guess these people are straightforward.” He pushed the wax paper through the hole back towards Jack.

“We will meet up at the hotel. I still have to follow the other way out.”

“Okay Jack see ya on the flip side.” Cameron turned around and made her way back to the huge room within the palace, this time keeping her torch with her. As she reached what was previously thought to be the resting place of K’inich B’alam was actually just an entrance to it. She held her torch high careful not to fall down the steep slope. Slowly but surely she made her way down the tiny, very steep slope of what was a rough model of stairs. As she reached the bottom she saw a huge wooden object sitting there. She went up to it cautiously and put her hand in some black stuff. She smelled her fingers to discover it was gunpowder. She lit it with her torch and raised it up to the ceiling. The old fashion chandelier lit up the whole room. She looked around the room.

It was covered in gold everywhere but Cameron had seen bigger rooms. She went across the room to an archway into a bigger room.

Cameron was in heaven.

This room was huge and covered from head to foot with books. In the middle of the room there was the real grave of the Mayan king. Cameron slowly walked to the tomb and looked through the rough glass covering. He was perfectly preserved as if he died yesterday.

“Do you like my library?”

Cameron jumped and pulled out her gun. As she turned around she saw a beautiful older woman smiling at her.

“Wh—Who are you?”

“That,” The extremely beautiful woman pointed toward the coffin “is my husband.”

Cameron just stared at her dumbstruck, “That guy there is your husband?” The woman smiled again and nodded but before Cameron could say anything the woman started talking again.

“I know what you want Dr. Cameron…”

“How do you know my name?”

“…and I can’t give it all but I can give you the most valuable piece.”

“I thank you but if you give me the most valuable piece when I can’t get out of here to put it in the museum?”

The Queen smiled at Cameron, “Follow me please.” Cameron followed her to a bookcase and she pulled a book out. The bookcase opened up towards them.

“One more thing, how come you’re still alive?”

The Queen smiled yet again. “My husband married me for several reasons; my youth, love, beauty, my immortality, and my powers.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you so much Your Highness.” Cameron took the golden book of the complete history of the Mayan culture that she got from the Queen and went into the bookcase. Cameron turned around. “You have no idea what this means to me. I can’t thank you enough.”

“No need to thank me. But there is one condition. You can never come back here again.”

Cameron looked crestfallen. “I think it is worth it but I’m still disappointed. Farewell Your Majesty.” She bowed toward the Queen and left out of the tunnel. She ended up in the rain forest and found a road. No cars were coming either way. Cameron pulled out the book and covered it with a weathered leather cloth. She put it into her satchel as she pulled out a compass. She headed east towards Rio.

This is a long chapter but i hope you will still read it because i need the reviews bad because i'm afraid my works will be crap

i really liked the plot.

the biggest problem with it was that it had very awkward sentences and phrases. Sometimes they were too short, others were run-ons, etc. Plus, there were some minor spelling and grammar errors.
:\





otherwise, i thought it was great.

Go Addie!

Hey Sparrow -- You're fairly new! Welcome to YWS, then!

Nitpicks & All That

The group up ahead stopped all of a sudden. Dead end. A woman in the back of the group was thinking to herself, why am I down here in Brazil in a cave with a bunch of dirty locals who don’t speak a word of English?

This beginning had me searching for a prologue. It's very abrupt. I didn't even know a group was traveling, and then a group stops. It's a very strange beginning. But easy fixable! How about some setting description before you bring us to this? Where is the group traveling? What exactly IS the dead end?

The woman stood sixty-nine inches tall. She had piercing, Azul colored eyes and had chestnut brown hair that fell down her back.

- We don't need to know exact height. Ever, really. Unless it's somehow necessary to the plot. You could merely describe her has short or tall.
- Azul shouldn't be capitalized, it's a color and only a common noun. And it's Spanish, so it's odd you mixed it in there - perhaps you meant azure? I think that's the English way of using it, maybe.

“Shine that light over here.” The woman’s handsome partner said.

-Using phrases like "he said" and "she said" are called dialogue tags. When you use them, the dialogue AND the tag are considered one sentence. So instead of using a period at the end of the dialogue, you use a comma. "Shine that light over her," the woman's handsome partner said." See? It took me forever to figure that out.
-Don't describe him as handsome. Let us figure out who he is first.

She sighed and lazily threw her beam to where he pointed at and she gasped briefly, there on the wall was a raven.

"she gasped briefly. There on the wall was a raven." You should start a new sentence there, or you have a comma splice. You have a different subject, so you need to start a new sentence.

He, the girl’s partner, pushed on the raven and the walls on the left and right crumbled.

Was it a stone raven? Say so. I thought it was real!

The Queen smiled at Cameron, “Follow me please.” Cameron followed her to a bookcase and she pulled a book out. The bookcase opened up towards them.

Wait, when did she become the Queen? Did she introduce herself as such?

Setting
Okay, so they're in Brazil. But as Cameron and the other man were wandering through the corridors, I had no idea where they really were. You need, need, need some more setting description in here. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be picturing a temple, an apartment building, an office, or what for a long while there. I even considered a maze at one point. Try, at the beginning, to detail where your characters are.

Overall
Also, at the beginning you say there is a group. But didn't you only describe two characters? What happened to the other people?

Anyway, you have a very intriguing concept here. I enjoy the story you're setting up, but you need to do one thing, and that's clarifiy. Answer the W questions. Who, what, where, when, why. You don't have to come out and say, "this person is", or "these people are at", but sneak the details into your writing as your character goes along.

Keep writing, and PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

Hey there Sparrow, and welcome to YWS.

The group up ahead stopped all of a sudden. Dead end.

What dead end? The second sentence in this quotation has no subject and verb so it's basically an invalid sentence. For an actual sentence, there has to be a subject, object and a verb.

A woman in the back of the group was thinking to herself, why am I down here in Brazil in a cave with a bunch of dirty locals who don’t speak a word of English?

Kinda awkward talking to yourself like that don't you think? I would had accepted it if you had it as a thought bubble.

The woman stood sixty-nine inches tall. She had piercing, Azul colored eyes and had chestnut brown hair that fell down her back. She had olive colored skin that loved long days in the Mediterranean sun like her ancestors. She was well built and had toned features. She worked out every day that she could. She had soft features but a strong incisive gaze that men were momentarily fixed in whenever they see her.

Really, you do not need that. It does little to drive the narrative forward.

He gazed at her with his olive green eyes. He stood at seventy-two inches with sandy blonde hair cut short. He had an athletic build used to strenuous work. He was on the water polo team in college. He then kept his form by doing fifty laps a day in the college pool. He on the other hand had rough features but a soft gaze that only hardened when you made him angry or he was in deep thought about something.

Again, does this drive the narrative forward in anyways? Do we need to know every single piece of information about him?

She sighed and lazily threw her beam to where he pointed at and she gasped briefly, there on the wall was a raven. He, the girl’s partner, pushed on the raven and the walls on the left and right crumbled.

No immediate reactions when she saw the raven?

Overall impressions:

I didn't exactly bothered with the line by line since you keep repeating the same mistakes in the piece. As I was reading this piece, I noticed that it sounds like a watered down version of Indiana Jones.

1) Repetitive sentence structure leads to rushed and unexplained narrative

A majority of your sentences follows the "she did this", "she did that" route. Having a sentence starting with a pronoun helps in expressing an action that the character in question is doing, but if it's the only sentence structure that you use in your writing, then it will make the piece seem hollow and empty (which is the feeling that I got in this piece). Vary your sentence structures so that there will be more depth and diversity in the piece, not just straight up action (action is good, but there needs to be something for the action to fall back on).

Look up the follow sentence types and learn how each of these sentence types helps tell the story on the whole:

-Complex (Express an idea with greater elaboration).
-Compound complex (as above)
-Periodic (Builds an idea to a climatic point, creating tension).
-Loose (Offers the main idea, then elaborates upon it).
-Minor sentence
-Simple sentence
-Compound sentence

2) Your main character's emotions vary greatly throughout the piece

This follows closely with point 1. I noticed that your main character's emotions vary greatly throughout the piece without a reason or transition. As a result, it makes it more difficult for the audience to relate with the main character since our emotions do not change on the fly like that. Aim to keep your character's emotions constant throughout the piece. If a change in emotion is required, it has to happen for a reason and must be relevant with your narrative somehow.

3) Dungeon crawling galore

A majority of the piece reads like a play by play of a person playing a video game. Instead of describing every single action that the main character did (and what happened), focus more on interactions between characters, the other party members and characters' thoughts and feelings. Take Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Part of the reason as to why that film's so successful critically and commercially is that there is quite a great emphasis on interactions between characters and character development, not just going into some temple/dungeon, exploring it and revealing the secrets that lie within.

4) Why is the narrative taking place in Brazil?

So why did you decide to take the story in Brazil? What purpose do you hope to achieve by doing that? I would like to see that more evident throughout the piece.

It was ruined yet it was beautiful at the same time. As she walked down a whole flight of steps she made her way to a crumbling building, but not just any building, a palace. She stopped and stared.


This is why she was in Brazil.

Just because the main character believes that Brazil's a beautiful place isn't a good enough reason since there's no real impact on the narrative at hand (you could had not said that bit and it won't change the narrative one bit).

Overall though, you have a good idea here, but you need to deviate it more from the Indiana Jones franchise (which is a much better version of your story by the way). Flesh out your piece more and make it more unique.

Good luck.

Andy.

You know, the beginning part where the local is speared to the wall reminds me of Indiana Jones....

Do you usually depend on your dreams for stories? I do... I'm weird like that!

I liked it. It was really good, even though there were run-ons and short sentences. You make sure you fix those!

Good luck finishing it!

WRITE MORE!