Run away with me.

Shall we run away,
in to the distance?
Mark our route along the coast,
through the ocean spray.

Ought we to elope,
in the deep of night?
Away from all the loathers;
forget the misanthropes.

Would you leave this,
to sake our love?
Every moment we linger severs us,
from our intended bliss.

I know know you wont,
come with me.
Your eyes now full of resolve,
that tells me that you don't.

Hola amigo, let me take a peeksy at what you got here.

Alright, first, here's the itty gritty:

kris wrote:Shall we run away,
in to the distance?

Take out the comma.

Ought we to elope,
in the deep of night?

And again.

Would you leave this,
to sake our love?

You got an option here. Remove the comma, but if you want to keep the pause, rephrase those lines as such:

Would you leave this?
To sake our love?

Every moment we linger severs us,
from our intended bliss.

To think this through, read it like a normal sentence:

Every moment we linger severs us, from our intended bliss.

Ain't make no sense does it? Poetry ain't a special voodoo thing that has the golden ticket to disregard the rules of English grammar. Like we say in America, y'all need to cut that shit out.

JK

Hey, I do like how you eloquently express what you needed to. It's a short poem, so every word is packed and essential, all unnecessary fluff and bullshit are gone. Bangin'

*points to above post* Nooooo!!!!! I was going to tell you to omit all your commas!!
Okay, anyway, I liked this poem a lot-I thought you worded it well, just heed jMin's punctuation comments. The only other thing I didn't like was the last stanza:

I know know you wont,

come with me.

Your eyes now full of resolve,

that tells me that you don't.

First of all, it's 'won't' (with an apostrophe) and you need to take out both commas. Also, the last two lines are...awkward, to say the least. "Your eyes now full of resolve, that tells me that you don't." Don't what? Shouldn't it be won't (come with you)? Other than that, the way you ordered this is odd. I would go with "Your eyes tell me you won't." (More eloquently, of course, but you get the idea). Anyway, good job-PM me if you need any more help.

Hi guys.
Thanks for the critiques, I really appreciate them.
However, the commas are intended to be there. I placed them where I did as poetic devices. I wanted the poem to have a kind of pensive aura about it.

woooop!
xx
Love
Kris
xx

kris wrote:I placed them where I did as poetic devices. I wanted the poem to have a kind of pensive aura about it.

I'm not sure where you get the idea that improper grammar results in a pensive aura, but it doesn't. I concur - remove the commas. If you want to add a pensive aura, do it with your words not with your bad punctuation.

Would you leave this,
to sake our love?

This makes no sense, unless you meant to say "for the sake of our love"

[s]I know know you wont,[/s] I know you won't
come with me.

This is an interesting idea for a poem but I think it is too little to stand on its own. The basic idea is that you have to leave where ever you are to keep the love, but the other person doesn't want to. Is there anything else you can say about this? Can you bring out anymore emotion, and more importantly, can you bring out emotion in me? I don't really care if you stay or go - try to make me care. Don't just talk about the situation - be poetic, open up the emotions that are caused by it. How do you feel about what you have to do? Do you completely want to leave, or are you apprehensive? Give us more than just the questions, and the statements.

Good luck!