The Invisible

I walk this road, I walk this road.
Alone in travels, travels.
The light does not show, does not show.
I'm escorted to the gallows, gallows.

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Simple act of kindness might have saved you,
but it is too late for you to try now.
Someone could have saved you 13, had they spoke.
Now it is too late, your fate is sealed, I have grown.
Take my pride, took my name, this gun? Won't leave.

The two of us will change the name today!
We have desecrated another institution.
The two of us, we will be known on this day!
For the mark of true evil knows no bounds.

As we shift from cafeteria to library,
you would think they were bombshells!
We would have you sacrifice your belief,
your God cannot save you now!
Do you believe? What's that you say?
Too late, the trigger slipped and now it is on.
Walk the gallows, we are your death dealer.

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Forgotten the likes of da Vinci, we are household names.
Shame your country can't control the media, now we are Gods.

I like this, it is a very powerful poem, with a good use of repetition.
However, I think it could have done with some more work on the rhythm, as there wasn't really one throughout, and it took something away from the overall piece.
Try making the syllables similar for each line- it may help the rhythm

Keep writing!

Cassus Animus wrote:I walk this road, I walk this road.
Alone in travels, travels.
The light does not show, does not show.
I'm escorted to the gallows, gallows. Interesting repetition here. I'm trying to decide if I like it or not. Which, I believe, means it's okay

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow. I like this.

Simple act of kindness might have saved you, You may want to add an article ('the' or 'a' before Simple, or make act plural.
but it is too late for you to try now.
Someone could have saved you 13, had they spoke. Saved you thirteen what?
Now it is too late, your fate is sealed, I have grown.
Take my pride, took my name, this gun? Won't leave.

The two of us will change the name today!
We have desecrated another institution.
The two of us, we will be known on this day!
For the mark of true evil knows no bounds. I love this stanza. Brilliant.

As we shift from cafeteria to library,
you would think they were bombshells!
We would have you sacfrifice your belief, Sacrifice?
your God cannot save you now!
Do you believe? What's that you say?
Too late, the trigger slipped and now it is on.
Walk the gallows, we are your death dealer.
Brilliant! Give me something to criticize
Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Forgotten the likes of da Vinci, we are household names.
Shame your country can't control the media, now we are Gods. Wonderful ending.

Okay, I'll admit it-I wasn't too sure about this poem in the beginning. Around the 'we have desecrated another institution' and 'as we shift...' lines, I got what you were talking about, and I loved it. You used words beautifully to get your point across. However, I still don't understand the second stanza (simple act of kindness...) and I think your title could be better, even if it was just 'infamous' or something. So you could rethink those. But overall, this work is excellent. You certainly have talent here, so keep writing. Looking forward to another piece of your work.
xxxxx
Don't hesitate to PM me if you need any more help!

Cassus Animus wrote:I walk this road, I walk this road.
Alone in travels, travels.
The light does not show, does not show.
I'm escorted to the gallows, gallows. Nice repetition but I would try to change it into shorter verse without repetition and see if it's good. Also...travels-gallows...lame rhyme

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Simple act of kindness might have saved you,
but it is too late for you to try now. Without that
Someone could have saved you 13, had they spoke. I don't understand that verse.
Now it is too late, your fate is sealed, I have grown. Without that
Take my pride, took my name, this gun? Won't leave. Actually, I don't know. I don't like the whole stanza. It's something that spoils her.

The two of us will change the name today!
We have desecrated another institution. Not institution
The two of us, we will be known on this day!
For the mark of true evil knows no bounds.

As we shift from cafeteria to library, Too ordinary
you would think they were bombshells!
We would have you sacfrifice your belief, obviously a mistake.
your God cannot save you now!
Do you believe? What's that you say?
Too late, the trigger slipped and now it is on. Try : The trigger slipped and now it's too late.
Walk the gallows, we are your death dealer. ...walk the gallows, death is your date... maybe, I'm not sure

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Forgotten the likes of da Vinci, we are household names. -> Huh?
Shame your country can't control the media, now we are Gods. Nice.

Good. But little complicated. It's morning at my time zone so I didn't quite understand it. I don't work properly in mornings

Alrighty. Let's see.

Cassus Animus wrote:I walk this road, I walk this road.
Alone in [/b]my travels, travels.
The light does not show, does not show.
I'm escorted to the gallows, gallows. [b]The repetition doesn't work. It's a tricky thing to pull off.

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow. Love this stanza.

A simple act of kindness might have saved you,
but it is too late for you to try now.
Someone could have saved you 13, had they spoke.
Now it is too late, your fate is sealed, I have grown.
Took my pride, took my name, this gun? Won't leave. See what I did there? You were getting your tenses mixed up.

The two of us will change the name today!
We have desecrated another institution.
The two of us, we will be known on this day!
For the mark of true evil knows no bounds.

As we shift from cafeteria to library,
you would think they were bombshells!
We would have you sacrifice your belief;
your God cannot save you now!
Do you believe? What's that you say?
Too late, the trigger slipped and now it is on.
Walk the gallows, we are your death dealer.

Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.
Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.

Forgotten the likes of da Vinci, we are household names.
Shame your country can't control the media, now we are Gods.

Aside from the technical stuff, your poem was good. I just didn't really understand it too much.

This is a great poem.
Critique:

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I walk this road, I walk this road.

Alone in travels, travels.

The light does not show, does not show.

I'm escorted to the gallows, gallows.
You're meter is spectacular.



Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.

Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.



Simple act of kindness might have saved you,

but it is too late for you to try now.

Someone could have saved you 13, had they spoke.Could have saved you 13? What does that mean?

Now it is too late, your fate is sealed, I have grown.

Take my pride, took my name, this gun? Won't leave.
Tis whole stanza is kind of weird. The whole rythym of the poem changed. Read it outloud and you'll see. It is also very confusing. For me the meaning becomes unclear.



The two of us will change the name today!

We have desecrated another institution.

The two of us, we will be known on this day!

For the mark of true evil knows no bounds.



As we shift from cafeteria to library,

you would think they were bombshells!

We would have you sacfrifice your belief, Typo here. The word is sacrifice

your God cannot save you now!

Do you believe? What's that you say?

Too late, the trigger slipped and now it is on. It is on sounds funny

Walk the gallows, we are your death dealer.



Invisible? Not today, nor tomorrow.

Infamous I am, today, and tomorrow.



Forgotten the likes of da Vinci, we are household names.

Shame your country can't control the media, now we are Gods.

I really enjoyed this. It was very symbolic. The only thing is, your meter shifts a lot to a different rhythm.

Well good to see no one caught on to the meaning, as well I know my meter is mush at times and I don't tend to follow one I just set a basic rhythm in my head like a metronome and go with it.

Simple explanation...Columbine, the 13 is how many were killed on April 20th, 1999. As well 'Take my pride' is intentional as I would rather believe they lost their pride that day instead of before, that whole stanza actually makes a lot of sense if you know the intention of the piece.