The first thing that I noticed about this is that your structure is very random. You change the position of your rhyming lines, and the lengths of your lines are very erratic.
You have some consistency having the four lines, then two, then four, then two, and so on. However, having those irregularly long, or short, lines, particularly in the two-line stanzas, wreaks havoc on your rhythm.
Pick a form, a rhythm, a rhyme scheme, and stick with it throughout the poem, instead of letting it rattle around all over the place.
The theme of the poem is certainly well thought out. It's very true to life, which I can see is because it's a real experience for you. There are aspects, though, that could be relayed with more imagery. When you are talking about the way the narrator feels, for instance “I’ve wondered how I could live with myself”, that’s very straightforward, as is most of the poem. Consider adding a more detailed description of their feelings, including comparisons, metaphors, etc.
In fact, considering that the majority of this piece merely tells us the facts, I personally would be tempted to create one big metaphor to be used throughout the entire poem.
As it is now, there are some slight references to a could-be-but-isn’t picture that could be expanded. For instance, the lines “Because the pain’s so real, so vast.” That has so much potential left untapped. As vast as what? Or vast compared with what? “Because the pain’s so real, so vast / Vast as a whale in cold arctic seas.” That’s not a very good metaphor, but you see what I’m saying.
And I walk now,I don’t understand the third line. I thought the first two lines were going somewhere, but suddenly the fake smiles are immaterial because they disappear. I would have thought the fake smiles would be the point, because the narrator is unhappy, and unwilling to reveal it. So, why are they disappearing? And once you have revealed the reason, what is that disappearing like? Describe it. Or the fake smiles. Description is key.
With fake smiles on my face,
Disappearing without a trace,
Only to see the pale complexion,The punctuation here is confusing. If you look at it without the separate lines: “Only to see the pale complexion, of a monster, my fear, knowing that everyday, it’ll be here.” There are so many commas that it is confusing as to exactly what they are each intended to accomplish. I had trouble telling whether ‘my fear’ was meant to be an appositive for ‘a monster’ or if it was a new thought entirely. This entire sentence is, short line, comma, short line, comma, short line, comma. The punctuation appears to be done correctly, but that does not prevent it from being confusing. I think that somehow, some piece of it should be made into a new sentence, if it can be done with what you have.
Of a monster,
My fear,
Knowing that everyday,
It’ll be here.
Good job, good luck, and I hope this was helpful!