Forgotten- Chapter One Part One

Everything was a blur as I opened my eyes, making my surroundings impossible to discern. A rancid smell filled my lungs; a mixture of body odor and human feces. Cringing, I tried to bring my hand up to pinch my nose. It jerked back down to the ground, sending pain shooting up my wrist and arm. Hissing, I tried with my other hand. Once again, it hit the floor. Sighing, I tried to move my legs, only to be greeted with the same rejection of movement.

Squinting, I peered around the room I was in. The only thing I could make out was the chains that bound me to the floor. I groaned, trying to figure out how I had gotten here. Wherever here was.

"Looks like she's finally awake." A rough voice sounded from somewhere in the room. I frantically began to look around, trying to see who was there. I felt like a deer in a forest full of hunters.

"Relax, you are going to give yourself whiplash." A more calming voice said. He sounded closer to me than the rough voice had. I whimpered; nothing about their voices registered in my mind, they were complete strangers.

I opened my mouth to speak, trying to ask them what they wanted, and where I was. I whimpered again; I couldn't talk.

"She has the body of a grown woman, but the mind of a child!" Rough Voice teased, laughing at his own humor. I closed my eyes, slowing my breathing. No memories came pouring to my mind as I tried to remember how I got here. Nothing. I was alone in my own mind.

"Quiet, Reko. She's been asleep for a fortnight." Reko, that was Rough Voice. The name held no familiarities, nothing from my past sprung into my mind to surprise me. But, what past?

"But what about the interrogation?" Reko's voice lost it's rough texture when he whined. He sounded more like a begging child than a grown man, assuming he was one.

"We'll wait until she's back into a proper mental state." Calm voice replied. I heard one of the two fidgeting with something, then the lighting of a match. Light suddenly flooded into the room, lighting everything in it's reach. In one horrific picture, I realized where I was.

Panic stabbed at my heart. Four walls surrounded me; bars. I was chained in the middle, surrounded by my own vomit. I looked up. Two broad men stood outside of my cell, the one holding the lantern a noticeable few inches shorter than the other. The taller one seemed disappointed with something. He looked at me, his face covered in scars, his red hair spiked straight on top of his head.

"What's your name?" He demanded, crossing his arms. The shorter one shot him a glare, which was soon returned with a small shove as soon as the lantern had been hung on its hook. I gave Reko a quizzical gaze.

I clenched my teeth together tightly at a loud screeching noise that resounded throughout my cell, my hands once again pulled to the ground when I attempted to cover my ears. A series of smaller screeches sounded as the shorter man flung the door open quickly, allowing Reko to pound inside.

"What is your name?" He demanded once more, advancing on me at a cheetah's pace. I watched in fear as he raged towards me, opening my mouth to reply, then closing it once more. I didn't have an answer for him; I didn't know my name.

"What's the matter?" I looked at Calm Voice. He at least had sensed something was wrong, unlike this idiotic hulk who was now towering over me. I began to shiver, unable to warm myself due to the chains.

"What is your name?" Reko shouted, lifting his hand to hit me. Calm Voice grabbed his wrist, shaking his head. Reko growled, saying something so fast that I didn't understand. I quivered in the shadow of these two men. If ever there were a time to feel tiny, it was now.

They began to shout at one another, arguing about whether I should be beaten or treated like a virgin would: innocently. I ignored the both of them, holding the hands that were attached to my arms out so I could see them. They were covered in blood and dried vomit, and the skin where the shackles held my wrist had been chaffed. I longed for a mirror to see my face, I did not know what I looked like. Did I have black hair or dark brown? What color were my eyes? Everything seemed all too new to me. This place where I was, I had never been before. Worse off, I didn't have a single memory, except for the new ones these two men had created. What was wrong with me?

I screamed at the feeling of hard, metal plating meeting the side of my head. I looked up. Reko stood above me, his hand lifted just above my head, small bits of my matted hair stuck in the plating. "I-" At a loss for words, I looked over at Calm Voice. I felt as if I was begging him to save me from Reko.

He met my gaze, causing my hope that maybe he could help me to diminish. His face resembled that of a stone statue; emotionless and devoid of color or markings. His black hair was neatly tied back into a small tail, and his posture was calm and relaxed. I eyed him curiously, wondering how a man like him could have ever come to be in a place like this.

"Viktor, why does she ignore me?" Reko turned away from me, shouting at Viktor. Viktor shrugged, walking closer to me with his hands neatly held behind his back. I met his gaze as he came closer to me, sending shivers down my spine.

"I don't remember." I said quietly, looking down at the ground in front of me.

Hi Freedom--

Interesting concept--not terribly original, but what is, these days? You've made it your own by establishing both protagonist (even though we don't know her name), antagonists (along with names, by the end), and setting. You introduce the reader slowly and smoothly, which is good.

One thing I noticed, is why are they sitting in complete darkness? Did they know she was going to wake up right at that moment and therefore used the darkness to dramatic effect? Or can they see in the dark? Just curious--if they can't see in the dark, they'd have trouble navigating and seeing that she's awake without light. xD

The pace was nicely executed--not terribly fast, not drawling, it all seemed to flow quite well. Nicely done

--D

Thank you, Buscador

This is only half of chapter one, the next half should be coming out either tomorrow or the next day. More dialog with have taken place, and a few things about why they were in the dark will be explained.

Methinks I know something about the dark. Can't wait to see if I'm right!

The nit-picks:

Cringing, I tried to bring my hand up to pinch my nose. It jerked back down to the ground, sending pain shooting up my wrist and arm. Hissing, I tried with my other hand. Once again, it hit the floor. Sighing, I tried to move my legs, only to be greeted with the same rejection of movement.

Every single sentence here has a gerend in it, a verb that ends in ing that doesn't have tense. Try turning some of those "gerend sentences" into proper ones.

"Relax, you are going to give yourself whiplash." A more calming voice said.

Call it a pet peeve, but I feel like "you" and "are" can be changed to "you're." Them apart sounds very formal, and it doesn't seem to fit with the character being a guard. Unless that is explained later? Still, I find it sounds more natural to have "you're."

But, what past?

What past indeed. It feels like this sentence doesn't have an anticeedent.

"But what about the interrogation?" Reko's voice lost it's rough texture when he whined. He sounded more like a begging child than a grown man, assuming he was one.

Hmm, the way this is explained you have to mentally re-read the sentence to change it from rough sounding to whining. Maybe put the tag in front of the dialogue so we know it's whining.

Light suddenly flooded into the room, lighting everything in it's reach.

Change "lighting" to something that isn't so close to "light."

Four walls surrounded me; bars. I was chained in the middle, surrounded by my own vomit. I looked up. Two broad men stood outside of my cell, the one holding the lantern a noticeable few inches shorter than the other.

This is very choppy. Tie the first two sentences together somehow, or add a line or two more of description to the room. Wouldn't she be looking up in the first place? And, where are the men? A few paragraphs ago you said they were inside the room, now they are outside.

The shorter one shot him a glare, which was soon returned with a small shove as soon as the lantern had been hung on its hook.

I find this hard to understand. What happens, and when? Break it up so it's clearer.

I clenched my teeth together tightly at a loud screeching noise that resounded throughout my cell, my hands once again pulled to the ground when I attempted to cover my ears. A series of smaller screeches sounded as the shorter man flung the door open quickly, allowing Reko to pound inside.

Who is screeching? What does this have to do with anything?

He demanded once more, advancing on me at a cheetah's pace.

Huge fan of animal metaphors/similies, but I find they distract from the story if the animal isn't in the world/kingdom you are talking about.

"What's the matter?" I looked at Calm Voice.

With this tag it feels like she's speaking, when it's Calm Voice.

I began to shiver, unable to warm myself due to the chains.

Shiver in what? Fear? Cold? Describe it a little more.

I ignored the both of them, holding the hands that were attached to my arms out so I could see them. They were covered in blood and dried vomit, and the skin where the shackles held my wrist had been chaffed.

A rather hard to read description here.She's holding them out where? In front of her? Out to the side? You can delete the "that were attached to my arms"; it's redundant. Also, in the last sentence you change from past to past perfect.

I screamed at the feeling of hard, metal plating meeting the side of my head. I looked up. Reko stood above me, his hand lifted just above my head, small bits of my matted hair stuck in the plating.

Where is she seeing the plating?

Overall: Nice! Again, your villains could use a touch more thought. Always, always, always ask why you're putting something in. That information might never show up in your manucript, but it helps make your story believable.

Flesh out your description a little more. We can almost see what's going on, but not quite. Is the room stone? That would help explain why she's cold. How are the guards dressed? In rags or fine cloth? Put a handful more descriptions in so we can really see what's going on.

I will be looking forward to part 2.

I liekd this. Pelase pm me when you post teh next part. This was....well...I don't exactly have a word for it.


Intriguing.....Very inrtriguing. The suspense and dialogoue nearly had me on teh edge of my seat. Though I would say just a tad bit more details.


~jen

Hello FinalFreedom.

A rancid smell filled my lungs; a mixture of body odor and human feces. Cringing, I tried to bring my hand up to pinch my nose.

If the main character's pinching his nose, it's pretty obvious that the place stinks. You do not need to describe the smell since your action already speaks for you.

Hissing, I tried with my other hand. Once again, it hit the floor. Sighing, I tried to move my legs, only to be greeted with the same rejection of movement.

You do not need to tell to us as to what sound the narrator was doing these things. It's redundant. Also "greeted with the same rejection of movement?" It's very clumsily worded and so out of context.

"She has the body of a grown woman, but the mind of a child!" Rough Voice teased, laughing at his own humor.

Nix "rough voice teased, laughing at his own humor". Leave it to the audience to understand themselves as to who's actually saying that and in what way.

No memories came pouring to my mind as I tried to remember how I got here. Nothing. I was alone in my own mind.

Why does the narrator want to remember how she got here? Elaborate this bit though the narrator's voice.

Panic stabbed at my heart.

Be honest. Just tell us that she felt panic. Don't try to describe emotion in panic as it often ends up being awkward and strange.

I quivered in the shadow of these two men. If ever there were a time to feel tiny, it was now.

Why did the narrator quivered though? Is it because she's afraid that they might hurt her?

It jerked back down to the ground, sending pain shooting up my wrist and arm.

Given the angle that the narrator is hanging from, I don't think this is possible. Try revising this bit.

Overall impressions:

A)Repetition

You tend to repeat certain words (or synonyms of that word) several times throughout your piece. One noticeable example is: Gaze, stare, glare etc. It makes the narrator's voice rather bland and reduces the actual realism of your piece since interactions between narrator and captors aren't as fresh as it could had been.

With your descriptions, it follows the same line too. We get the fact that she's shackled into the wall and that the prison is bloody and unhygienic, what else can you say about it that we don't know? Repeating the same ideas over and over again brings nothing new to the table.

B)Dialogue

The dialogue doesn't really do much in terms of characterisation. It's just them asking "what's your name?" "What's the matter?" "Quiet, Reko" etc. There's no actual depth to it nor is there anything much to search for in these lines of dialogue since most of it is only commands. You would had been better off showing the dialogue off during the warden's argument or have them ask questions or state ideas/thoughts that would invoke a meaningful conversation between them to help the audience understand them better as a character.

Right now, it seems as though you are having dialogue only to drill in the fact to the audience that the narrator is captured and being interrogated.

C)Descriptions

You need to make your descriptions more tailored for a specific purpose (i.e: create a sharper picture for the audience as to what's happening). Right now, your setting and characters seem generic and sterile because there isn't much description to create a sharper impression for the audience. Describing blood, vomit, how the narrator's secured etc doesn't say much other than to tell us that its where torture takes place. But if you think about it, any place or room can be used for torture.

On another note, your setting and characters also help the audience to create meaning and a deeper understanding of your piece. For example: A narrator being locked in a prison would create a totally different effect and meaning than say if she's locked away in some store room. (If she's locked in a store room, it will indicate to us that the imprisonment isn't from an official party whereas if she's in a prison, it's the other way around. Likewise, there will also be this difference if the narrator was interrogated by soldiers donned in armor compared to priest. (If the narrator was interrogated by priests, it shows that she's arrested for religious reasons whereas for soldiers, it would be for breaking an official law.

Overall, this was kind of bland and not particularly interesting to read, but I think you can fix this issue if you focused more on giving specific details in your piece and tailoring your writing for a more specific purpose. Right now, your writing lacks that.

I hope this critique has helped. Good luck.

Andy.

Since I'm still just a beginner with writing and such, I'd have to say that it was quite descriptive. Yes, I think it could be even more descriptive... but still, I think it was good. The idea that you started off without a boring beginning, but more action-packed (I guess I could say that) was cool.

I'm very eager to find out what's up in this story.

PEACE !

La Reina