Crimson Night-Dawning of war

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 1
All around him, the misty darkness swirled. Nathan stood completely still, not daring himself to breathe. His heart hammered so quickly and hard in his chest, he wondered how it did not penetrate the silence. The strange silence, which was accompanied by the never-ending misty darkness, and the feeling of another’s presence. He could feel the glare, the eager, desperate, glare of another being, waiting…


Nathan bit his lip, and ran, no longer caring weather or not he was seen or heard, he ran until ahead of him he saw a glint of light… Up ahead the small glint of light teased him, so close, yet so far. Nathan fought the urge to cry out in despair, for the light was right there, yet so far away…. With new hope, Nathan urged himself to run on, though every muscle in his body protested, and punished their cruel master, Nathan ran on.

His whole body was unusually sore. He finally stopped, panting, his throat dry and sore. He jumped up, as he realized he had been leaning on something. He spun around slowly, afraid of what he might find. He suddenly found himself staring at a gloomier and pale version of himself.

His long, sleek, brown hair was ruffled. His penetrating green eyes stared back at him, not with the usual self confidence, and beam it usually carried, but with sorrow and fear. His skin was pale, and sweat was running down his face. The fifteen year-old face stared back at him, just as he remembered it, yet so different.

Wide eyed, Nathan finally touched what he thought would be himself, but ended up touching something cold and smooth. A mirror. With elegant patterns of what seemed to be gold boarding the perfect object. He would not have suspected any more of it, if it weren’t for the split second, where Nathan thought he saw a small grin on his reflection’s face, a grin which was not his own… But it could not be…

Nathan raised his left arm, and saw his reflection do the same. He jumped up and down, and swirled his arms in desperation for knowledge, but the reflection did the same. In rage, the slapped himself in the face, and was now expecting the reflection to do the same.

Nathan’s heart sank and he felt an unnatural chill erupt in his body, as his reflection grinned, this time not bothering to cover up it‘s mistakes, and erupted into laughter. The laughter was not his own. Nathan could never have produced that cold, heartless laugh, for he knew himself all too well. The refection then grinned with satisfaction and watched Nathan eagerly.

Nathan leapt back as he felt something cold brushing against his ankle, and screamed with terror, as he saw a hand shoot up from the ground and grab his ankle.

Nathan screamed, as the skeletal hands wrapped themselves around his legs, and dug their fingers into his flesh, and then dragged him down. Nathan was soon covered with skeletal figures, all dragging him down deeper and deeper…

Nathan shook one arm wildly free, and with great effort started to walk, with long dragging steps, for his executioners did not let go. He then could see the light just ahead of him, just out of his reach…

Nathan reached out, all he would have to do to reach it was lean forward, yet he could not. Nathan felt hot tears against his numb face, as he cried at the brutality of it all…

Nathan gave away an unheard cry, as he was dragged down deeper and deeper by the putrid creatures….
“AH!”


Nathan gripped tightly onto his bed’s covers, twisting them and slowly letting go as he came to his senses. It was a dream.

It was all so real… The coldness, the silence, and the mirror…

Nathan stared at his own bedroom mirror, and just like in his dream, a pale Nathan stared back at him, with sweat running down his face. Yet his eyes stayed the same as he remembered them, not at all like in his dream

Nathan threw himself back onto his bed, letting out slow, shaking breaths. He stared at the ceiling, unsure of why he was so bothered by the dream, even now, when he was resting at the safety of his bedroom.

Nathan looked around his room, there was a mirror to his left, so unlike the mirror in his dream, hanging clumsily, and had a large crack adding to it’s imperfection.

To his right, there was a sturdy desk, with an old, broken down computer, which was one of many objects which had been carelessly thrown onto the desk, never to be used again. The desk had turned into his own place to dispose of the things which had no more meaning to him.


Next to the door, there was a walk-in closet, which was unusually clean and tidy, completely contradicting the rest of his room. There was a time which seemed like an eternity ago, where his room had been his place of refuge, but now, he just slept there, and did not come back until he was to sleep again.

Nathan was careless, and did not bother himself to clean up his room much. Nathan knew he was messy, yet it did not matter to him at all. When his mother came into his room to clean it up, and left it spotless, Nathan would have a hard time sleeping, without seeing the shadows of the several useless objects hanging around his room.

Nathan clumsily stretched and leaned on the wall, accidentally tearing one of the many posters hiding his wall completely. Nathan cursed softly under his breath, and got dressed.

He roughly tidied his hair, and walked down the winding staircase, not taking in his surroundings properly. Before he knew what he was doing, he noticed to his surprise that he was already a the kitchen counter, where he usually fixed himself a slice of toast, or a bowl of cereal to eat.
“Pull yourself together Nate,” whispered Nathan to himself.

He looked up and through a tiny window above the plastic sink, he saw snow building up in his backyard, and his dog, Max, a Golden Retriever, whining and pawing the sliding glass doors. Nathan sighed, and slid his fingers on the granite countertop of his modern kitchen, and opened the sliding doors, and watched Max dash inside.

Max whined softly again, and curled himself up at the couch. Nathan grinned slightly as he opened the cupboard which had all of Max’s things and pullet out his portable, soft and warm bed. He also bought down the old, ripped up covers and other things which could help him get warm.

With a final pat on the head to Max, Nathan headed back to the kitchen, and ate some cereal. He knew he had to wait for his parents to wake up before he could leave the house, and it tortured him thoroughly, for the world outside was covered in snow, children fighting with snowballs, families building snowmen…

Nathan sighed again, and jumped onto the couch, and regretted it a moment later as he hit his foot on the coffee table. He reached for his foot, and wished for the pain to go away, but it only throbbed harder.

As he unscrewed his watery eyes, out of the very edge of his vision, caught the glimpse of a family picture, hanging on a portrait. Nathan stared at it and felt a cold lump grow in his throat.

Everyone was so happy. Max, just a small puppy at the time, was in midair, its mouth inches from the suspended Frisbee, thrown by a much younger and happier Nathan. His mother was grinning weakly, and his father stood beside her, apparently saying something to the young Nathan… Next to Nathan, a smaller girl with the same striking green eyes and long brown hair stood grinning next to him.

“Times have changed…”

Nathan felt hot tears break through. His younger sister, Lucy, was rarely spoken of among his family…

During a picnic by the lake in their old town, his mother and father had sat down and started unpacking from the car as he and his sister started to dash out to the lake in their bathing suits, when Nathan was stopped by a firm grip on his arm.

The young Nathan looked up to see his father look him straight in the eyes and say, “Take care of her.”

Nathan nodded and ran to catch up with his sister, and they plunged into the icy water, shivering, and started to swim out.

It was then that it started. In the distance, he saw a bottle. It was a regular wine bottle but inside was a message, like the ones he remembered from pirate movies. He immediately swam towards it, reaching out, his sister trailing him, and he picked up in a swoop.

He looked to his sister and saw her fascinated green eyes as she frowned at whined, “I wanna open it!”

Nathan grinned and gave it to her, “Its all yours.”

As she attempted to open it, Nathan felt himself being pushed further into the river, a strong force, a force he was unable to resist, he tumbled underwater, his arms urgently and rapidly scooping him up as his lungs seemed to almost explode. His head left the water and he laid there, taking in deep, relieving breaths. His senses jolted as he remembered his sister, and started to look around, until there, he saw her. His sister was far out, Nathan called to her, splashing, resisting the unseen force pulling him on.

Nathan was breathing heavily, fighting the desperation as he looked into his sisters eyes for the last time, and then saw his sister hit a low branch, her foot getting stuck, and her head sinking under the icy water, never to come up on her own will again.

His parents would never put a picture of Lucy in the living room, but apparently they had without noticing it. Nathan was the only one who ever noticed the small girl in the far back corner, under the shade of a tree, grinning at the dog suspended in midair…

Nathan felt himself return back to reality. His hands were trembling, tears soaked his face…

Nathan clenched his fist as he remembered how his life had changed since…

After a year of misery, they moved to a different town, to “move on” his father said. Nathan hated the fact they were moving. His parents wanted to forget…

Then, he moved to a town where everyone seemed ignorant, where neighbors spy on neighbors, and everyone seemed to live only to make it to tomorrow. Nobody seemed to enjoy life. Or maybe that’s how Nathan saw it, for he did not make a friend, he left for school, and returned from school, not once muttering a word.

Children would laugh and whisper behind his back, others would be less careless and simply point at him in plain view and laugh.

It was only a matter of time before Nathan joined them, becoming a much gloomier and different person. His jaws trembled slightly as he thought on the fact that if his younger self could only see him now, how he would react.

When he was young, he seemed to think he would never get older, and that when he did, he would be something so much bigger than what Nathan truly turned out to be.

Nathan brushed his meaningful tears as he heard the soft creak for the staircase…




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 1
Please, someone comment, i would really appreciate it




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 168
Hi and welcome to YWS! It’s a rule in the forums here that you are supposed to do two reviews before you post anything, but I’m feeling nice, so I’ll give you a review (as long as you promise to do that other critique). It’s not a full out critique because I don’t have the time, but I hope it helps.
The Grammar:

1) Adjectives and Adverbs: Way too many! I want you to go through the piece and cut out as many as you possibly can. The people will be less tedious to read and will flow much better if you do that.
2) That was…Awkward: Okay, I need you to read through the piece as a whole and see if some of the sentences are too long or short or choppy. Really think out your ideas and phrases before you put them down.

The Overall:

Show me a story: You have a lot of telling sentences in your story. For example if you say “His foot hurt” that would be a telling idea. Instead say “Searing pain shot through his foot, twisting up his ankle, and Nate’s fingers clutched at the newly formed bruise pulsing just about his big toe”. See the difference? Try to do that with your entire piece

Cop Out: Okay, most literary agents say that the thing that they like the least is when stories begin with a dream. As I read the story, I think the writing itself would be more effective if you started from when his sister dies (and how it’s his fault) as if it’s in the present or something. Beginning with that will really pull your readers into the story and, from there, a potentially great story could blossom. As it stands now, however, the story felt very jumpy and abrupt in places especially when you changed from the present to the past and back again.

You have a great idea going here, just try to reword it and push onward with this story! Good luck and Good Job! PM me if you have any questions!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 3
let me start things off by saying we almost have the same username.
Ok, the writing seems a little awkward to me, and I don't think you've read over this for run-on sentences, fluency, etc...

So far the tittle has nothing to do with the story, so I hope you have a story planned out.

I liked the ideas in it, but the whole dream thing wasn't good. You could have made it a prologue or something, where he is left in an uncertain situation, to hook the reader into your story.

You got a base for it, just polish it up a little here and therend keep writing.

Good luck.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5749
Reviews 106
As he unscrewed his watery eyes, out of the very edge of his vision, caught the glimpse of a family picture, hanging on a portrait
I just don't get this sentence... Hanging on a portrait. A protrait and a picture are pratically the same thing, except a portrait is a a picutre of a person. I think you mean frame. And unscrewed his eyes? You mean like he rubbed the tears away from his eyes?

I dunno. But other than that, since I'm only a beginner compared to everyone else on this site, I really don't catch some of these really small details and mistakes. The description was good, I wish you hadn't started with a dream, but hey, you can't always get what you want, right? A few spelling mistakes, but other than that, good job.

PEACE !

La Reinaa.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."

-- Oscar Wilde



I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie