Because - Chap. 23

DELETED

Here I am again!!

I found a few nit-picks:

Mom was acting strangely. Dad was home early from work. Both of them spoke to each other in low tones, glancing at me every so often when they thought I wasn’t looking. I tried to ignore them, but it was hard when Mom so sat close to me, and Dad planted himself on my other side. They were smothering me, just as they had right after all of it happened, watching me carefully. I couldn’t take it—I went up to my room and watched TV there. I ignored my homework.

I felt that this whole first paragraph was choppy. You had some really worded sentences and then, at the end, everything just seemed rushed. And the short sentences can be stuck together somehow. I'm sure you can come up with something a little better.

Finally I couldn’t take anymore.

I think: Finally I couldn't take it anymore' sounds better.

The only problem with that was I had grown up sixteen years in his shadow, and I knew his face expressions by heart.

I think facial expressions would suffice.

My stomach dropped. “Y-You’re leaving me here… alone?” Alone. All alone. Whispers erupted in my mind. His eyes glinted before me, dark and anticipating. He’ll know. He’ll come. He’ll take me away while they’re gone. No one will realize until it’s too late… Panic clawed up my throat. Knife glinting in the moonlight… I clutched the edge of the table, gasping.

This was nicely written. ^_^

Mom shushed him. And for once, she was the calm one, the one in command. “Becca”—she took my chin in her hand and turned my face toward hers—“he isn’t coming back. He’s been put away for life, in a place that no one has ever managed to escape from. Get this idea out of your head, right now.”

I thought Will was put away for five years? But then you say he's been put away for life and people have escaped from prison before.

That night I didn’t have nightmares. But when I woke up, all the sheets and bedcovers were on the floor, and a sheen of cold sweat gleamed on my skin.

Lovely last sentences.

All in all, I liked the concept of this chapter but I don't think it was your best one. I think with a little sheen, this can be as flawless as the others but I like where this is going, so keep writing.

Ta,

~Angel

Well. That was a surprise.

Jeez, I'm getting so caught up in the story, I can't concentrate on reviewing.

I'd love to rant about how gross Mr. Sheldon is, how evil Ann is, and how stupid Becca's dad is being, but you already know all that. It feels like you're building up to something, and I can't wait for the climax!

Motherly instinct. Don't doubt it. Okay, I'm done. I couldn't find anything to fix, so I'm sorry this review isnt' helping you much. --Wait, i do have this thing, though:
Finally I couldn’t take anymore.
If it were me, I'd say "any more." Anymore seems more like "any longer," rather than "more."

I love Becca's reaction, by the way. I think it fits perfectly.
Okay, i'm really done now.
Thanks for the great read!
--Anna

This is amazing. Your writing is absolutely captivatingly amazing. I've spent about an hour reading this whole story and it's got me hooked. This is the best story I've read in a loooong time, including published books. This is even better than Twilight. And I love the character Becca. Good job, my friend.

Hey KJ,
Okay so here it goes. I liked how the chapter started off; right in the middle of the mystery surrounding her parents. You have a way with words and I feel you've managed to make the characters come to life, so to speak. It was amazing! It scared me half to death when Becca's mom started to shove a pill down her throat.

he isn’t coming back. He’s been put away for life, in a place that no one has ever managed to escape from.

Um.....this was just a tad confusing. Was he put away for life or five years?

Everything is racing through my head right now: When will she tell Vick? Will he accept her? Will Becca turn into a depressed zombie again? Will Will find her!?

Keep writing and more power to you!

-Moony

*pulls out her pastel pink, glass nibbed fountain pen again*

They were smothering me, just as they had done right after [s]all of it happened[/s] it had all happened / all of it had happened, watching me carefully.

in that lawyer way of his

This sentence is cute, and reminds us that she is indeed still a student; but something's a lil' jarring about it. 'In that lawyer way'... what about, 'in that analytical way that laywers do'? It might read a little better, but I haven't got the advantage of context on my side, so...

and I knew his [s]face[/s] facial expressions off by heart.

The 'off by heart' thing is a much more personal matter - to me, when I see the words 'by heart', it makes me think of the character absorbing the information for a set date. When I see the words 'off by heart', the connotation is that the character is using the information in the current situation. Here's an example: 'by heart' = "Now, class, I'd like you to learn the words to the National Anthem for next week by heart." But 'off by heart' = "I can read it because I know the morse code signals off by heart."

...and I still don't feel like I'm making sense. I'm just gonna move on now.

I was dimly aware that Mom had shot up from the table and ran to the kitchen.

Because you use 'dimly aware' as a phrase, the 'had' I've added sort of "anchors" this sentence to the rest of the story. For some reason, I'd felt as if we'd flitted briefly into the present tense (probably just me and my obsession with James Bond novels at the moment).

Why did you drag us hundreds of miles away from home; put me on pills to make me numb?

Changing the comma to a colon will draw more attention to the tension. Eww, unnecessary alliteration, dammit. *sigh*

how my mind was constantly heavy with dark thoughts and memories that no [s]amount[/s] number of pills or hours of counseling could get rid of.

“You’re right,” I whispered [s]instead[/s], giving them a wobbly smile.

If you leave out the 'instead', this sentence will be heart-breaking. She's so strong, yet so fragile at the same time... I love her to pieces.

And maybe it would be nice to be separated from Mom’s constant fretting; Dad’s continual watching and analyzing.

Again, the colon would bring out the best in your writing style.

Look what he did to James before.

This sentence is sort of... unfinished. I'm either thinking that you should get rid of the 'before', or add 'we moved' after it. Right now, it's just floating...

All the hopes that Will Sheldon wouldn’t come back vanished—I knew it was only wishful thinking.

Right - I was gonna say to replace the dash with a colon, but I've abused it enough already; ( <----- ) I'm leaving it.

How could I forget the unwavering resolution in his voice as they led him out my house?

WHEN THE HELL WAS HE IN HER HOUSE?!! *searches frantically back through all the chapters*

But when I woke up, all the sheets and bedcovers were on the floor, and a sheen of cold sweat gleamed on my skin.

This would've been some seriously dramatic cliff-hanger, but the phrase 'cold sweat' should be what we are left to hang onto. Try jiggling the sentence around so it's what closes the sentence. Here's my attempt:

But when I woke up, all the sheets and bedcovers were on the floor, and I was covered with a sheen of cold sweat.

That's me done. Thanks for the dedicated PMing, too; you must be getting bored of it now. ^^

Ja -!

*KJ~

Not much I can say about this chapter. I mean, I liked it and all but I want to read 24.

So I'll make this short and sweet.

Her mom can be so drastic. Like shoving pills down Becca's throat. And her dad. I kind of like him. I don't know why, but I just do.

Okay, one question I do have is...when James was hurt by Sheldon was that in the past? If it is, then how did that happen and was that before Sheldon was sentenced to jail?

Sorry, if this was really worthless and helpless. Gotta go read 24!

*Merry