Because - Chap. 22

DELETED

Hey KJ!!!

How've you been? I'm so glad you've posted another chapter because, though this was good, I really don't think I would be happy to have been left with this because I've been waiting to read this for so long!!!

Well, this was amazingly flawless, though that's not a surprise. There was only one thing that I can nit-pick about:

He must have begun following me soon after he read my first poem, first spoke to me.

Try: He must have (must've) started following me soon after he read my first poem, first spoke to me.

I don't know, for some reason I just didn't like the way this sentence was worded. Other than that, loved it!

Keep writing,

~Angel

I loved this, KJ. The only thing I thought was missing was like that "wow" factor. If that makes any sense at all. Um.....what I mean is the chapter was so short that it lacked enough detail to shock me. Although the part about Anne and her big lying mouth, was very amusing. THis was an awesome chapter and I'm happy it was short or I would've had to wait longer to read your other chapter.

So sad=
But I loved it!

-Moony

WOO - new chapters! But I've decided I'm fed up of just leaving you fan-girlish comments; they aren't beneficial to anyone. *laughs* So I've decided to take my nit-pickiness to a whole new level.

Prepared to be irritated.

Happy [s]readingm[/s] reading everyone.

*grins*

just as I had come to find out [s]about.[/s]

The 'about' doesn't quite work here; leave it out and the sentence will still have the same effect.

hen evidence was brought forward. There were pictures, tapes, drawings, journal entries found at Will Sheldon’s house. Covering his walls. Stuffed in his drawers. Under his pillows and all over the furniture. All of it, me. Moments when I hadn’t even known he was watching. All of it within the space of a few short weeks. He must have begun following me soon after he read my first poem, first spoke to me. There were tapes of me driving home, pictures of me in the school library, flipping through books. Drawings of me lying on a bed, half-clothed. His journal entries were nothing more than sick fantasies and imaginings that made me feel dirty, used.

This paragraph was brilliant. Nice one...

as permanent and [s]existent[/s]

'Existent' doesn't read well, and I'm sure there's another word that can quite easily fill it's place, but alas, I haven't the extensive vocabulary. What about, err, 'solid'? That's the only word I can think of that achieves a similar effect... I also found the word 'extant' on the MS Word thesaurus, but I have absolutely no idea whether the word holds the same connotation or not. Sorry~

On the day of verdict, Will Sheldon was convicted and sentenced to prison for five years.

Mom stayed shut up in her room for days when the article came out on page six about a student-teacher affair. Dad’s co-workers from the firm stopped calling to ask him to go out for drinks, and I became the school outcast.

Oh stars, that's horrid. I hate that stupid, STUPID Ann girl!

Overall comments:
*is already at next chapter*

*KJ~

Whoa. Whoa. That was intense. And yet scary, too.

I do have to ask, was this all in the past? Like before she met Vick? And will he ever find out?

And I hate Ann. With a passion. You make her a great character for us not to like. There she goes and lies about everything. But would I side with her?

No offense, KJ. But I thought this was all tell and no show. All tell about the trial and no descriptions and little conversations.

Ugh! I hope Sheldon never gets out of prison. He should be locked up for the rest of his life. What he wants and what he did was just sicking. All those things in his rooms and house? What a creep.

Yes, that is what I think of your character, Sheldon. I hope I didn't put you down.

It was short, but I still got to know more. And I like to know more of the dark times. I must read on!

*Merry

Thanks for reading, Merry. And you didn't offend me - I would HOPE you feel that way about a psychotic killer. It just means I've done my job as a writer. And I did do a lot of telling in this, I do realize. I thought it would be a nice break from all the tension in the previous chapters. Kind of slow down a bit and inform the readers so you're not all so much in the dark. I'll think about revising.

Again, thanks for reading. You're great.

KJ

I like this chapter because it shows us how creepy Will is. Which is Really creepy. I hope that at some point you explain why she still has feelings for him. How anyone could ever have feelings for him is almost sickening, but maby not so if I knew why.