Fire

Fire


The early morning sunlight hurts my eyes
I look to the right and see the one i love
I think about how blessed i am to have him in my life


He sleeps so peacefully
And I wish not to wake him
But he smiles softly
His eyes still closed


I wonder if its me he sees
and me he waits to hold


I step outside to feel
The winter wind chill my legs
I slowly walk into the house to find
A candlelit breakfast
With roses of the deepest red


My heart is so warm
And it feels as if
An old fire was
Rekindled in my soul.



By: Sara

(I saw that you posted what I presume is your full name in the post, so I edited it out...YWS discourages that because this is the dark scary internet, after all!)

I think my main problem with this poem is that it's too one-dimensional. The narrative is rather flat, if you know what I mean. Kind of like, "This happened. And this happened. And I felt this emotion about it." It's as if I described my day to you by saying, "I woke up. I went to school. I did work. I ate a bagel. I went to the match." Boring, right?

What you have in this poem is the framework, the skeleton of a love story that I'm sure is much deeper than the poem presents it. Add some spice to this! Pick something mundane and make it wildly strange and interesting; tell us an anecdote. Freeze time. Go back in time. Describe feelings instead of just saying, "I was cold, I was happy, I was sad."

Beware also of cliches:

My heart is so warm
And it feels as if
An old fire was
Rekindled in my soul.

This stanza stood out to be as the most cliche-full. A "warm heart" and a "fire in the soul" are two of the oldest ones in the book.

Cliche phrases were once new and interesting, but they were used so much they became mundane to readers--the term "babbling brook" was really cool when it was first introduced, and it was a great image, but now so many people have used it that it's lost the original appeal.

Same with a "fire in the soul." We've all heard it before, so why should we stop to think about it? Rather than repeating what others have said, make your own new phrases! Juxtapose two things that haven't been juxtaposed before. Create images from your own life or your own imagination; if they are unique to you, they will be new to us.

Best of luck!
Colleen