Tiger, Tiger

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 704
Reviews 72
Through the trees, a stranger lurks,
His amber fur a flame against the trees.
As he passes, the forest quietens,
It’s inhabitants serene.

The other animals scatter.
They fear the everything in the King:
The sheer power of his jaws,
His cunning, intelligent eyes,
How his attacks are always successful,
And the perfection in his disguise.

His paws crunch against the snow as
Fluent gold eyes search the land.
He creeps silently through the forest.
Ears twitching, tail steady
As he spots his quarry
Grazing in the bracken.

His powerful body,
Built for dynamism and stealth
Creeps ever nearer
To the fragile animal:
A green eyed, twitchy deer.

His eyes flashed intensely as he leaped;
The King’s pounce was fluid.
He brought the deer to it’s knees,
And it was over in seconds;
His jaws cut quick and clean.

His lonely feast was only short:
Because when he turned and
Met Man in the eye,
He didn’t have time to run.
The hunter raised his gun.

Another one paces a cage,
As beady, malignant eyes peer in at him.
He was once a King of his own land,
And now he was reduced to a spectacle,
Forced to take Man’s command.
Long forgotten was the taste of fresh air on his tongue
And freedom in his head
His once clever, burning eyes
Where now alone, pained, and dead.

His rage at Man was slowly building
As he roared in hate at them.
He was sick of being shamed.
He willed to taste freedom once more.
He decided to teach them the lesson:
The King can never be tamed.

The King is to be respected.
Wild and free he must always stay.
In his mighty roar he says:
“Man, take heed!
For the man who tries to take me,
For the man who attempts to cage me,
For the fool who dares to enslave me,
I take his life away.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1509
Reviews 32
Shrikes, what a poem! There were a few errors, here:

His fluent golden eyes


Maybe you meant "fluid" or "liquid"? Either way, an effective metaphor.

he drove the deer to it's knees


"It's" shows a possessive, or the contraction "it is." You meant to put "its" I think.
"Do? I'll tell you what we'll do! We'll be ready!"
Matthias, from Redwall

"Life consists of doing the impossible."
Brother Fir, The Heir of Mistmantle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1976
Reviews 16
This is great! This is a fine example of a powerful and intense poem.

My only criticism is that you need to be careful when using 'it's' and 'its'

Other than that, this is a wonderful poem.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
Absolutely brilliant. At first I was a little questioned, fearing no point was coming, no intrigue to be solved, but you came again in the end with a very nice reflection. We all have our beasts inside of us, question is which one of us will end up in a cage, de-clawed and nudered. Rid of all our past beauty and wilderness. This just says so much, it speaks Mad Moo. Directly from the heart Ker. I loved it.
"Live as you were to die tomorrow, learn as you were to live forever" -Ghandi




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1781
Reviews 143
Hi Moo! :D

Through the trees, a stranger lurks,
His amber fur a flame against the trees.

Instead of using the term 'trees' twice in one stanza, try subsituting one or the other for something like the word 'brush' or 'leaves'. Example: His amber fur a flame against the leaves.

As he passes, the forest quietens,
It’s inhabitants serene.

I'm not sure if 'quietens' is a word. You can just use the word 'quiets'.

The other animals scatter.
They fear the everything in the King:

Remove the unnessesarry 'the' in the second line. (They fear everything in the King)

The sheer power of his jaws,
His cunning, intelligent eyes,
How his attacks are always successful,
And the perfection in his disguise.

I felt this was a good, descriptive stanza. Nice job :)

His paws crunch against the snow as
Fluent gold eyes search the land.

Few things about this stanza. 1.) Break up the second line before the word 'as'. 2.) Do his paws crunch against the snow, or does the snow crunch? Make sure your description is clear. ;)

He creeps silently through the forest.
Ears twitching, tail steady
As he spots his quarry
Grazing in the bracken.

Nothing wrong here.

His powerful body,
Built for dynamism and stealth
Creeps ever nearer
To the fragile animal:
A green eyed, twitchy deer.

This was fine, but I think you could find a better word than 'twitchy' to describe a deer. Nervous? Restless?

His eyes flashed intensely as he leaped;

Ditch the 'intensely'. Too many adverbs can slow down the pace you want for your piece. (I myself have trouble with that, too)

The King’s pounce was fluid.
He brought the deer to it’s knees,
And it was over in seconds;
His jaws cut quick and clean.

You executed the action of the kill very well. Over and done, just like that. Nice!

His lonely feast was only short:

Ditch the : and replace it with a period. Replace 'only' with something that makes more sense, like, 'much too'. (His lonely feast was much too short)

Because when he turned and
Met Man in the eye,

Eh, I'm kind of on the fence about these lines. If the next two are good then the stanza should be fine.

He didn’t have time to run.
The hunter raised his gun.

Much too short. Lengthen the sentences; read it aloud and you can see how you can make these sentences smoother by elongating them.

Another one paces a cage,
As beady, malignant eyes peer in at him.
He was once a King of his own land,
And now he was reduced to a spectacle,

One nit-pick: you change tenses in the last line. Replace 'was' with 'has been'.

Forced to take Man’s command.
Long forgotten was the taste of fresh air on his tongue
And freedom in his head
His once clever, burning eyes
Where now alone, pained, and dead.

Hmm...this was a good stanza, but the last line was odd. Maybe you mean, "Are now alone, pained, and dead"?

His rage at Man was slowly building
As he roared in hate at them.
He was sick of being shamed.
He willed to taste freedom once more.
He decided to teach them the lesson:
The King can never be tamed.

Ooh, this is an exciting stanza. Building up for the grand finale! One thing, though: for three straight lines you begin your sentences with 'he'. Change it up a bit. The rest of your poem is good.

The King is to be respected.
Wild and free he must always stay.
In his mighty roar he says:
“Man, take heed!
For the man who tries to take me,
For the man who attempts to cage me,
For the fool who dares to enslave me,
I take his life away.”

Alright! Pretty nice ending! Although, I will admit I wish you had continued and built upon his declare; you know, have him eat everyone or something (just kidding!) :D
And for added affect, you might want to change the last sentence into an exclamation (!)


Overall:
I felt the description in this poem was really good. I didn't think it was too over-the-top, but just enough to really get the feel of the poem.
It was exciting and I actually enjoyed reading it. I will admit, half of the things I critique I don't feel like finishing, but yours made me want more!
Grammar was good, just a few little things here and there. I like the way you write, Moo! Keep it up!


*anti-pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...

-Libretto



Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain