The Vampires and Shaddox's Past

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"So wait," I said confused. "Vampires are just an improved version of a human?!"

Aton smiled widely. "Correct, my dear."

"How can that be?!" I growled, my body beginning to tense. Iris and Koda stood behind me, both their expressions shocked like mine.

"Damire created vampires using his daughter and son. He's the one who built the world in which you and I exist. He gave us life," Aton explained further. "And we owe it to him to kill the human species. It will be the only way for vampires and shaddox to coexist."

"How do you even know about Damire? How do you know he created vampires from humans?!" Iris screamed. "How the hell can we trust you?!"

"If you don't believe me, just ask your brother. I believe his perspective on the subject is much different than mine."

Iris's eyes and mine widened. What did he mean? Iris hadn't seen her brother ever since the encounter with a vampire years ago. He had just left her in the forest and the last she saw of him was his hair blowing in the wind as he faded into the darkness.

Aton faked an apologetic smile. "Oh, that's right. You haven't seen you're brother in years! Well, I guess it would be nice to introduce you to him after such a long period time."

A black shadow started to form in front of him. It grew wider and wider, until it began to lift itself from the ground. It also began to take shape. It was obvious that this creature was a shaddox. As the body gradually became solid, I gasped at the sight of the young man.

"V-Viscano?!" I whispered.

He just smiled evilly. "Hello, sister."

I could feel Iris's deep and intricate confusement, which was an exact replica of mine. "How can you be her brother?" I asked in a low voice.

"I guess I'll have to explain everything to you brainless vampires," he chuckled. Koda, Iris, and I all deeply growled. I didn't want to just sit there and listen to a shaddox - I wanted to kill him. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to attack. Iris sensed my thirst for death and put her arm out in front of me. I shook with rage, but I didn't attack.

"It all started fifteen years ago. Damire was my and Iris's father and he had a strong passion for vampires. He'd used to study them every minute of every hour of everyday until he became an expert on the subject. Once he married mother, he started researching for a way to build another dimension where vampires could live. He succeeded and named the kingdom after himself. When we were born, Damire turned us into lab experiments. He'd feed us chemically prepared food and inject us with special poison to make our bodies change."

I cringed at the thought of Iris, my best friend, being her own father's lab rat.

"One day he finally found the answer. He called the liquid "Carazeth" and gave it to us to drink. Of course, our molecules transformed and we turned into vampires. But that wasn't the end of it," he said in a disgusted tone. "He wasn't satisfacted with just creating two vampire. He wanted more. So he went back to the human world and kidnapped teenagers. He forced them to drink the Carazeth and they turned into vampires.
"After that, his thirst for knowledge of the unreal didn't end. He decided to investigate and learn about the anatomy of a vampire." He glared menacingly at Iris.
"And just because you were the youngest, he came to me and ripped out my canine teeth, only to study them in his lab!" he yelled. Awkwardly, in just a moments notice, he went back to grinning. "But it's thanks to him I became what I am now and what I love. By removing my blood-sucking teeth, I became a shaddox."

I stared at Viscano, not knowing whether to believe this insane story or not.

"But how come we didn't stay here?!" Iris asked. "Why did we go back to the human world?!"

Viscano smirked. "Because the vampires revolted."

A moment of shocked silence whisked by.

"The vampires were tired of Damire so they killed him."

More silence.

"Mother fled with me and you back to the human world. There she remarried and lived happily ever after."

"I can't say the same for us, though," Iris venomously whispered.

Viscano shrugged. "When you saw the vampire, I knew he was after mother, so I just ran into the forest with you. After I left you there, I went back to Damire. I also followed in our father's footsteps, I made Naaju, you know."

My mouth dropped. Wasn't Naaju where the shaddox lived?

"Well, I was honestly hoping for a better response than just silence", Viscano shrugged. "But, oh well." He turned to Aton. "I think it's time to end them." Aton smiled agreeingly and grabbed a tankful of blue liquid. "Did I mention that before Damire was killed he create a special venom which killed vampires?" Viscano nodded toward the blue liquid inside the tank. "That there is something he called "Vampois". Excuse the name, but he didn't have a lot of time to create a good name for it."

Aton walked silently over to the cell Koda, Iris and I were being held in. "Goodbye," Viscano sneered. As soon as he finished, Aton threw the open tank into the air. The little, but deadly Vampois squirted out as it spun in the air and landed on all three of us.

As soon as the blue liquid hit me, my skin began to burn. Not a burn as if you fall into a fire, but much, much worse. The burning was unbearable and I couldn't help but scream. The liquid continued to hit me in little droplets, but it burned away my skin and bones. Slowly and painfully I could feel every inch of me disintegrate little by little with a horrible burning sensation.

I held my eyes tightly shut, but I opened them for a few fractions of a second to see Koda and Iris. I couldn't believe what I saw. Body part were laying on the ground as they had fallen off as the Vampois completely destroyed the bone. Both Koda and Iris where sitting on the ground and screaming.

Suddenly, I heard the tank fall to the ground and I saw the Vampois spill out of it. It made its way across the cell and disintegrated what was left of my friends. Once it reached me, I felt the burning at my feet and I could feel myself shortening until I completely feel forward. Blood had mixed with the Vampois so it looked red instead of blue. As I took my last breaths as a vampire, I took a quick glance back at Aton and Viscano.

They were smiled at me. Great big, satisfacted smiles. Then, they were gone.
Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Tue Dec 30, 2008 3:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey there VampireBloodrace.

Iris and Koda stood behind me, both their expressions shocked like mine.


This can be simplified. "Iris and Koda stood behind me, shocked as well."

Aton faked an apologetic smile.


Nix "apologetic", you do not need it. It is unnecessary.

It also began to take shape. It was obvious that this creature was a shaddox.


It would have been better if you had defined/ show what a shaddox was in more detail earlier in the piece.

Once he married mother, he started researching for a way to build another dimension where vampires could live.


What's the point of that though?

Overall impressions:

I'll keep this brief since I'm only writing this up to make you think a little bit.

1) Society roles of Vampires and Shaddox

I think you need to make this more evident in your piece. Considering the fact that it's the vampires that are locked away in prison, I have the impression that it's them that are at fault. But really, what is there for the audience to work on to confirm this? You need to make it more clear as to what these two races do in society by showing their actions, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Because of this, everything that happened in this piece doesn't seem to happen for a purpose/reason.

2)Why are you even having vampires in this piece?

As I was reading this, I thought to myself "Why are you even having vampires in this piece anyways?" You've pretty much butchered the mythology concerning vampires. I think you would be better off inventing your own race than using vampires. You see, what makes vampires so distinguished is that they are able to cross or blend the lines between ideas or theme in society (eg: life/death, chastity/sex, beast/human, right/wrong, honesty/dishonesty etc). They are scary and intimidating because they are unpredictable creatures. What you have in this piece here actually shows ignorance of the mythology of the vampires, hence severely stripping them of their distinguishing features. (Vampires are not improved version of humans). Do some research on vampire mythology and decide as to how you are going to apply them to your story.

Right now, your piece is rather bare and there's no clear purpose as to why you are even having vampires in this piece in the first place. Distinguish Vampires and Shaddox races more and ask yourself as to why you are even having vampires in your piece in the first place (seriously, you've mangled the vampires to the point that they are now almost indistinguishable by the audience).

Good luck.

Andy.
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