Bewildering

Bewildering

“Sana…” I cried her name in vain. Being friends with someone so unreasonably stubborn was painfully agitating at times. She sat sprawled on the floor, with her nose less than an inch from the glossy television screen, refusing to be disturbed. I tried my luck and forcefully pulled her from the screen. The magnetic pull was far stronger than I had expected, but I got her attention at last.
“What,” she accusatorily aimed in my direction. She set down her x-box controller and stared at me expectantly, with her large, muddy-brown eyes. Obviously, she felt whatever I had to say better be far more important than whatever new game was shoved into her game system. Gosh, how could I say what I wanted to say?

I managed to scrape some words I hoped to be of the English language together and mumble, “Well…I think my mom’s getting suspicious that…I have a boyfriend…stupid tarot card reader…and I was wondering…hoping…if you could help me out.” Immediately, a pouted expression took hold of her face and wrinkles of both concentration and worry smeared her forehead. Her short, black hair seemed to almost poof up with the array of thoughts, which must have been swirling in a random vortex in that head of hers. At last, she snapped out of her little reverie and I sensed the anger before I heard the speech.

“ARGHHH…did I not tell you in the first place to not get involved with this boyfriend of yours? But nooooo…you said you really loved him and he really loved you! You said you’d face whatever you might have to face to keep your relationship up and running! You said that you didn’t care if your mom would kill you if she found out! So, why are you asking me for help when everything is spiraling down like I said it would,” she literally shouted in my face. I felt the blood rushing to my face and blotching it in odd patch-like formations.

It was true. Sana had told me all those things. Yet, she was partially wrong. My “soul-mate” —as I liked to call my boyfriend—and I were irrevocably in love. However, my mom was very old-fashioned and traditional. She didn’t believe in dating. She believed in a suitor that she would choose for me and marry me off to. So, of course, I couldn’t let her figure out my true agenda. She’d maul me! Sana sided with my mom one-hundred-percent, but she had stuck with me in my decision. Though she hated the term, she was my best friend. She didn’t believe herself very capable of commitments. Yet, I always came to her for advice because she usually had some to spare. She hated being—what’s that word she always used—a mediator. The funny thing is she always ended up in the middle of scenarios she expressly wanted to avoid.
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I sat on my bed in the most rigid position counting off the painfully slow seconds. Finally, the bell rang downstairs and I heard my mom heave herself over to the door and greet the person I had been desperately waiting for. “Your friend is here,” my mom called up to me. I gathered myself together and groped my way down the stairs.

As soon as I saw her I shouted, “Sana! You made it!” She gave me a disgruntled look and stepped outside. I said a few parting words to my mother and followed in suit. When we reached the movie theater, I saw my boyfriend waiting patiently outside the entrance for me and I ran into his outstretched arms. After a few moments, I turned around to Sana and tearfully expressed, “Thank you so much…I would have probably never been allowed to step out of the house if it wasn’t for you.”
She gave me a quick nod and muttered something along the lines of “…sure, sure…don’t make me regret it.” Classic Sana, she never dealt well with emotional outbursts. As my boyfriend dragged me inside by the hand, I turned to see Sana grabbing an old book out from her pocket and slumping her tiny form inside my car to wait for my return. “Nerd,” I playfully noted as I slipped from sight. She really wasn’t your everyday teenage girl.

I was looking through the pieces in Other Fiction and I noticed nobody had reviewed this piece yet. I think you did quite well considering the length of it. But lets start with a bit of nit-picking and suggestions!

“What?” she accusatorily aimed in my direction.She set down her X-box controller and stared at me expectantly, with her large, muddy-brown eyes.

I managed to scrape some words I hoped to be of the English language together and mumbled

Immediately, a pout[s]ed[/s]ing expression took hold of her face and wrinkles of both concentration and worry smeared her forehead.

I think the part 'worry smeared her forehead' sounds a little awkward. I think 'lined her forehead' or something along those lines might sound better.

“ARGHHH…did I not tell you in the first place to not get involved with this boyfriend of yours? But nooooo…you said you really loved him and he really loved you! You said you’d face whatever you might have to face to keep your relationship up and running! You said that you didn’t care if your mom would kill you if she found out! So, why are you asking me for help when everything is spiralling down like I said it would?” she literally shouted in my face.

Though it shows Sana's character, I think this piece 'screams' a bit too much, it's a bit too aggressive because it's so sudden. Perhaps get rid of some of the o's in nooooo and some of the exclamation marks.

Finally, the bell rang downstairs and I heard my mom heave herself over to the door and greet the person I had been desperately waiting for. “Your friend is here,” my mom called up to me.

You might want to start a new paragraph at "Your friend is here".

She gave me a disgruntled look and stepped outside. I said a few parting words to my mother and followed [s]in[/s] suit.

As my boyfriend dragged me inside by the hand, I turned to see Sana grabbing an old book out from her pocket and slumping her tiny form inside my car to wait for my return. “Nerd,” I playfully noted as I slipped from sight. She really wasn’t your everyday teenage girl.

Again, you might want to start a new paragraph at "Nerd". As a side note, the image of Sana taking a book out her pocket seems quite funny to me. How big are her pockets?

As I already said, I enjoyed reading this. It's short but sweet. I liked the way you portrayed Sana. From the start it was clear she has a strong character, but she also has a certain likability to her. I also liked your way of describing things, it was clear and to the point.

Overall, I'd have to say it was pretty good. However, I got the sense that it was something torn out of the pages of a book, the last two pages of a chapter in a romance novel. The storyline was a bit, just a little bit, plain and uninteresting in the middle. But you did better towards the end and i got the true sense of the piece and I saw and felt some emotion at the relationship between the two best friends. After all, that's what the centre of this piece really was and I feel you displayed that well.

Now, unto grammar and such things:


Your hook is okay but at the first wprd I wasn't really caught so much. It was when you began to describe the aggitation that I was truley hooked.

Immediately, a pouted expression took hold of her face and wrinkles of both concentration and worry smeared her forehead.

I don't like the way this is phrased. You could just say, "A pouted expression took hold of her face and wrinkles of both concentration and worry smeared her forehead."

“ARGHHH…did I not tell you in the first place to not get involved with this boyfriend of yours? But nooooo…you said you really loved him and he really loved you!

Here I feel like the speech you have used sounds too much like how the person is talking. You really overdid the O's and H's, hehe. Don't get me wrong, sure it's tempting but honestly, in formal writing we really need to beware of that because it's something that editors themselves probably would throw out in this context. I would change it to something like, "AH! Didn't I tell you in the first place to not get involved with this boyfriend of yours? But no, you said you really loved him and he really loved you!"

My “soul-mate” —as I liked to call my boyfriend—and I were irrevocably in love.

I get the feeling you've read twilight from the use of this word in this context. That's something I would warn you against because so many people have read twilight out there, young and old, male and female, that because of Stephenie Meyer's constant use of the word, some people might say you're copying her or that the word is way too overused. I am one of those people who thinks it's overused.

Classic Sana, she never dealt well with emotional outbursts.

I think this should read more like "Classic Sana- she never dealt well with emotional outbursts.

Overall, good imagery throughout.

8/10

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