I Lost You

Not really anything, I just didn't want to do my Biology. The last verse is...iffy. I have about a hundred different versions of it but they were all crapper than the one up here, so... mwaha and all that. And also, the last two lines of the second verse are rubbish; but I'm stuck on how to make them un-rubbish. HELP MOI!!!!


Us little folk here on the ground
Envy you of what you’ve found
That Holy place high in the sky
You rest in peace
I sit and cry.

You stole a tiny part of me
Wrenched it from me noiselessly
The edges of my soul are raw
A fragment that
I can’t restore.

There are still times when I pretend
that you are still here with me, friend
Delude myself and see your face
We talk and laugh
Kiss and embrace.

I find it hard to carry on
To face the fact that you have gone
And though you passed a while ago
It’s just so hard
To let it go.

I really liked this poem. The rhyming just worked, although most poems like this don't rhyme. I think you pulled it off well.

NIT PICKS

Raimunda wrote:You rest in piece

I think you mean "peace"

The edges of my soul are raw
A fragment that
I can’t restore.

All your rhymes are good up until here. Just go through a list.
Gnaw, saw, draw, law. See if any work.

-jade.

I like your poem very much, and agree with my predecessor on all accounts. I don't know if you have really been in this situation or if you just wrote like this for the sake of it. I know the feeling though.
I especially liked this part, although it is true what jade said.

You stole a tiny part of me

Wrenched it from me noiselessly

The edges of my soul are raw

A fragment that

I can’t restore.

- sheepy

Two things: Firstly, I thought your poem was really good. I didn't see what you thought was so bad about the last verse. And secondly, poetry isn't my forte, but I have an idea for that second verse. You could do something like: Left me standing here, In total awe. Not really sure what you were looking for, but I thought maybe that could help give you an idea.

This was good. You have a lot of talent. Way to go. =)


Gold star.

--mary