Cruel Night Fate - Prologue

I have not yet embarked on much more than a couple of sentences beyond this so no 'chapter 1' etc coming along in the future i do not think.

Please, any reviews would be appreciated.

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If I were to sum up, in one sentence, what it felt like I’d tell you something no human being wants to hear. No human being with a sense of sanity at least. For one thing his blood is warm and smooth between my fingers, adding a metallic sheen to my pale fingers. It keeps oozing from the wound, gushing faster when I press my fingers to the jagged cut. The face of my boyfriend is contorted and he is gasping wildly. His eyes are wide open. Inside my gut is churning, so I wonder why I haven’t thrown up yet, why tears won’t fall from my eyes, and why I’m still here watching. Watching him die? Watching his spirit lift into heaven?

I don’t know why but I can’t look away from his beautiful eyes. They’re large, a striking shade of blue one could only describe as ‘swimming pool blue’. Am I nuts? No, his wife is the nut, I remind myself quietly. She is probably being interrogated, being asked why would you murder the man who fathered your six children? She would answer because he was sneaking around with my sister. They’d ask her why she chose sewing scissors instead of the piles of kitchen knives laying around, or even his gun slung up on the hat rack beside his fluorescent coat and navy hat. I shudder just thinking about those scissors, now zip-locked in a clear, resealable evidence bag waiting to be dusted for fingerprints. His colleagues would be wondering how on earth such a lovely young lady with her entire life ahead of her would have the mind to murder him with those sewing scissors. Long, sharp, thick stainless-steel blades recently sharpened.

Freaky stuff.

I don’t want to think of her in her moment of hysteria. I don’t want to think of him when confronted with his lies, his two very different parts of him standing face to face. That knife. Those eyes. That cold, hard floor. Knowing that no matter what, he’s going to give up both of us.

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Terrible, isn't it? Haha.

Okay this story was just plain creepy. I would've liked it a lot more if it was a tad longer as well. I really wasn't sure if the narrator was crazy or just really depressed. It seems like an interesting style you have going for you so far and yet it saddens me a little that you might not write a chapter 1 anytime soon. I could find no spelling or grammatical errors. Overall you had an excellent opening but the ending was slightly creepy.

Terrible, isn't it? Haha.

Again is she crazy?

-Moony

well for one thing...the story is sadistic...i can feel the urge of merciless killing...


hehehe...good stuff...i like the way you create that kind of mood and the weapon of choise is perfect for such mood...

though i am wondering if you mad ethe story in purpose or that it was your mood that made you make that story..

still...it is a good one....


PS
i am not an insane sadistic loving person

it is just my story shares a little sadistic level as this

Hey niccy_v!

Hmm, this wasn't terrible but for a prologue this can be better. It was executed fairly well but for the beginnings of a story of this caliber this can be more dramatic and dark. You start off with two great sentences but from there, to me everything lacks meaning. They're just floating sentences without transitions.

If I were to sum up, in one sentence, what it felt like I’d tell you something no human being wants to hear. No human being with a sense of sanity at least.

If I were you, I'd take advantage of these two sentences and then go from there. Describe what it feels like to kill in a general sense instead of what it felt like to kill one solitary man.

Example: If I were to sum up, in one sentence, what it felt like I’d tell you something no human being wants to hear. No human being with a sense of sanity at least. It's really exhilarating to take another soul. Their blood slips through your fingers as easily as their life did. You no longer feel like the helpless lover with no say in the relationship, instead you deal fate like cards. It just so happens that his deck was unlucky. Each time I close my eyes, I see his face. It's contorted and his crimson-stained lips are leaking out tired gasps. His eyes are wide open staring at me. The gaze is both alive and on the precipice of death. Inside my gut is churning, so I wonder why I haven’t thrown up yet, why tears won’t fall from my eyes, and why I’m still here watching. Watching him die? Watching his spirit lift into heaven?

I wrote this not to say that you change it to this but to say that the prologue gives the reader a taste of the MC or a character. What was her motive and who is this person. The bold parts of this mean that you can either nix them or combine them with the previous sentence. The underlined bit is just an example in an example because I think it would make this a lot more interesting if you establish the relationship. Give more details, make everything a little more concrete. You don't have to give a lot away just make us want to read this girl's story.

Freaky stuff

I'd get rid of this because it just messes up the feel of everything.

Hope I helped,

~Angel

Thanks Angel!

I was going to go more on the helpless lover, angry wife, etc, but then, knowing me, I'd make it not the PG rating it had to be.
Hence, ^^ was what I ended up with!

Thanks for all the reviews everybody!