The Quest Part 4

I jumped to my feet, took a few steps back, and got ready to defend or attack. "What do you want?"
"Geez, you don't have to be so violent," she frowned, rubbing her stomach. "That really hurt."
"Well, I don't know if you're friend or foe. And besides, your friends last night didn’t seem like they wanted to get acquainted.”
"Oh. Neeco, Daikon, and Kyler are always like that....none of them like humans. But, they don't like Nekos either."
"Nekos?" I asked, confused.
"A Neko is someone who can turn into a cat or wolf,”she explained."Whenever we aren't in our animal form, we still have our ears and tail."
"I don't see cat ears popping out of your skull," I noted.
"Seeing my cat form wasn't enough? Oh well, I'll show you I'm not lying." She took off her hat, revealing two pure black cat ears. She lifted her skirt just enough for me to see a black cat tail swishing back and forth. "You believe me now?" she asked, putting her hat back on.
I nodded, fascinated. "I must admit, that's really awesome, but I'm still not letting my guard down."
"Yeah, yeah, that's great, but do you want to see Demeter and Osoroshii again?" she asked hesitantly, but still with a little hint of speed. Was she trying to speed up the conversation?
"Of course I do! What have you guys done to them?!"
Animy smiled. "Come with me. I'll take you to them."
I glared at her, not knowing if I should trust her. But, in the end, what choice did I have? I had no idea where they had been taken or if I was going to see the three guys again. And, if I did see them, would they kill me?
"So?" Animy insisted.
"I'll come with you," I sighed. "That doesn't mean I trust you."
"Don't worry. Where we'll be going no one trusts anyone else anyway." She trotted over to me and took my hand. "I just thank you for making your choice quickly. Someone is walking their dog around here and I'm scared to death of dogs."
In a flash, the scenery around me changed. My mouth dropped at what I was seeing. I was standing in a gigantic library. In front of me stretched a long passageway, with arched pillars made of marble on both sides. The floor of the passageway was a huge mirror which followed the pillars all the way to the end of the room. Behind the long, white stones were rows and rows of bookcases, each overfilled with books.
"Yes, I know it's wonderful, but we've got to go this way." She hurried out the double doors and into the hallway.
Again, I stared, dazed at the beauty of the hallway. The walls were painted a golden orange color and the lamps were made of bronze. Animy sighed deeply.
"You're not going to gawk at everything you see are you?" she asked irritated.
"That depends. Is everything this costly?"
She sighed an oh-my-gosh-sigh. "Wait until you see your room."
Before I could start asking questions, she stormed off down the hallway, quickening her pace with every step. I struggled to keep up with her.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Outside," she said clearly.
The hallway led us to in a huge room. To my left was a beautiful double staircase. A little bit farther in front of it was a set of double doors made of cherry wood with remarkable stain-glass windows. As we made our way to the double doors, I saw another set of doors to my left and right.
"What's in those two rooms?" I asked Animy.
"The dining room is the door to the right. On the left is the arcade."
Without saying another word, she sprung open one of the double doors, revealing the outside world. I was only able to see the scenery for so many seconds, but I had already memorized the breathtaking view. Rolling hills covered with red-tainted trees stretched for as far as I could see. On the uneven horizon, the sun seemed nothing more than a half-yellow circle, but it painted the sky red, orange, and purple.
Animy continued to walk at a quick pace, rounding the mansion we had just come from. We approached a flight of rock stairs. Vegetation had begun to grow over the side, and the rock wasn't smooth or even. I had a hard time not losing my footing - the plants were soaked with water, making the steps dangerously slippery. Animy, though, didn't seem to mind. Even with her knee-high black stiletto boots, she didn't falter one step.
Once we reached the top, I gasped in horror at the sight before me. Demeter, my best friend, was tied to a tree from ankles to shoulders. She had purple and black bruises all over her body, one standing out grotesquely against her white forehead. People of all shapes and sizes stood chattering around me, seemingly oblivious to the tied up blond. They were all in their own little 'cliques', though, reminding me of the groups of people at our school.
But I wasn't paying much attention to them. I couldn't take my eyes off Dem.
"Dem!" I shouted, running towards her. I pushed and shoved anyone who got in my way, completely forgetting everything. Even the danger I could be in. Once I reached her I noticed she had been tied with barbed wire and it had cut deeply into her skin.
"Carzyl?" Demeter moaned, opening her eyes to slits.
Now enraged, I spun around to face my now quiet audience. "Get her the Hell down!"
A girl with long black hair similar to mine was the only one who smiled. She wore a punkish outfit with a short black and green plaid skirt. She had a black vest covering the same green-colored shirt. Her arms were overloaded with bracelets and, surprisingly, I couldn't find even one piercing on her. She slowly walked forward, catching everyone's attention. I couldn't believe how gracefully she moved - not one step could be heard. Her hand worked its way between the barbed wire and Demeter's stomach, making me notice her half-inch long black nails.
Suddenly, she gave me an evil smile and wrenched the wire towards her, ripping it apart, but slicing into Demeter's skin in the process. Demeter fell to the floor below her, limp as a rag doll.
"You're welcome," the girl smiled satisfactorily and began walking back to her group.
My blood rushed through my body, feeling it warm every inch and limb. My head spun in her direction and my legs charged. I reached the black-haired girl in no more than three seconds and punched her back with strength I didn't even know I had.
She managed to stay on her feet, but she had hit a couple people from her little 'groupie'. One of them, a male, stopped her from falling over. Holding her up, he threw her back towards me.
"Pathetic!" he scorned.
I suddenly realized what I had done. I had hit some creature I had no idea about. Animy, Neeco, and the other two boys weren't as stupid as I thought they were and I bet that neither was this girl. If I could call her that, that is. My eyes jumped briskly from creature to creature, finally noticing that each group seemed like it had their own 'specie'. I had no idea what to do now. *HELP*
I hadn't notice the girl turn around, and when I did it was too late. All I saw were her red, blood-hot eyes and a huge fist directed at my face. After that, I felt a tremendous pain vibrate through my head, passing my skull and rattling my brain. I felt myself flying through the air with the scenery swirling around me.
I suddenly stopped, but there wasn't any pain. I could only make out something soft like skin under my arms. My legs lay lifelessly on the ground. I didn't know if they were broken or not, but I really hoped they weren't.
"Cool it, Callowa!" a male voice boomed into my ear.I strained my eyes, waiting for the insupportable noise to stop. "We can't afford to kill them!"
"You'll make me lose my hearing if you continue to shout this loudly!" I yelled. Well, it seemed like a yell, anyway. Just, no one except the guy holding me seemed to hear it.
"Sorry," I heard him whisper.
Then, a new female voice rung in my ears.
"Everyone is dismissed!" it said.
"Dismissed?" I asked.
I heard the extremely faint rustling of leaves.
"Lets take her inside," the voice ordered.
The arms holding me enveloped my entire body now. Whoever was holding me, whether it was the woman or guy, was carrying me somewhere. And at quite a speed, I might add. I stared into the darkness of the sky which was now decorated by glowing stars. I heard a door open and someone's feet on the stairs I had seen earlier that day.
"We'll put her in her room," an unfamiliar female voice whispered. Or had she spoken it clearly? Was I losing my hearing? Was it because I was half unconscious? What was happening?
A few minutes - or maybe it was seconds - later I was laid on a very soft object. I quickly understood it was a mattress.
"She's still partially conscious," the guy's voice said, sounding farther away than ever.
*What's wrong with being partially conscious?!*
"I hope she heals quickly!" the girl's voice who I had heard once inside the mansion squealed. "We need her by tomorrow morning. Hopefully her friend will be ready as well."
"We can't be too hasty," the boy replied. "We'll have a lot of explaining to do."
"You're right. Better get her to dreamland now, then."
I don't know how or why, and it was probably against my will, but I fell into a deep sleep at exactly that moment.

I'm sorry if this sounds confusing and if it does - tell me! I'll do my best to fix it! Please bear with me! I've been kinda absent minded lately and I can't think straight! Obviously, my writing is affected by that. Not to mention my finals are coming up...

I'm enjoying your story greatly! I didn't find this part confusing...I don't think lol. I'm sure everything will be explained in the parts to come. Please keep up the good work and your readers are all anxiously waiting for (least wise I am)!! But barbwire...ouch. That stuff hurts like hell.

Here i am to do my copy editor act. sorry if it kinda tears your work to shreds. just the way i am.

I got to my feet, took a few steps back, and got ready to defend or attack.

okay, i think that's one to many ideas to a sentence. try to split the preparing into another one.

"Well, I don't know if you're friend or foe. And besides, your friends last night didn’t seem like they wanted to get acquainted.”

the dialogue, especially the friend or foe bit needs revision. i don't know how to do it better I'm atrocious with dialogue.

"A Neko is someone who can turn into a cat or wolf,”she explained."Whenever we aren't in our animal form, we still have our ears and tail."

is it just me or does this seem a little forced?

I noted.

try to stick away from exotic speaking verbs, its bad style. "Said" is a beautiful ambiguous dialogue word so use it often. in rare cases things like complained or yelled are okay however.

revealing two pure black cat ears

i don't think pure is really necessary in that sentence. the reader will probably assume its a solid color if you just ply them with black.

"I must admit, that's really awesome, but I'm still not letting my guard down."

um... here goes that forced dialogue speech again.

"Yeah, yeah, that's great, but do you want to see Demeter and Osoroshii again?" she asked hesitantly, as if trying to speed up the conversation.

okay the dialogue here is okay but the description after word is a little sketchy. first off if you're asking hesitantly wouldn't you be trying to slow the conversation down? secondly don't use adverbs like hesitantly. It sounds and looks bad. try to find a way around it. but there are the rare few that can't be removed. this isn't one of them however.

"Of course I do! What have you guys done to them?!"

remove the exclamation point. more than one punctuation mark at the end is just bad juju .

She sighed an oh-my-gosh-sigh. "Wait until you see your room."

firstly don't do the whole connecting words thing (oh-my-gosh). second off REALLY don't do it. third off REALLY don't do it while describing something. find something smaller and a little more eloquent. (you can get hours of dictionary tag on these little problems however)

fourthly, why the heck is this guy staying here. I thought he didn't trust her. also i thought he just came by to see his charming little friends.

"Outside," she said clearly.

take out clearly. it is irrelevant. and its an adverb. probably why its irrelevant.

Without saying another word, she sprung open one of the double doors, revealing the outside world

"sprung open"? i don't think that is the right word choice.

covered with red-tainted trees stretched for as far as I could see.

firstly, i think you mean red-tinted. secondly i think that sentence needs a comma somewhere.

making the steps dangerously slippery

take out dangerously. slippery implies danger.

completely forgetting everything

completely is redundant if you have everything in there. remove completely please.

I couldn't believe how gracefully she moved

i let slowly fly since that is one of the rare few which can not be removed. but gracefully here is not needed. especially with the description after it.

"You're welcome," the girl smiled satisfactorily and began walking back to her group.

first take out satisfactorily. the writing before should imply that. if you think it doesn't add something.
second is a question I've been meaning to ask for some time. WHY IN SAM !@#$ ARE THESE NUTTERS STRINGING PEOPLE UP WITH (OUCH) BARBED WIRE? its no fault on your part you just need some explanation soon.

One of them, a male

is "boys" or "guys" too much for us to be called?

My eyes jumped briskly from creature to creature, finally noticing that each group seemed like it had their own 'specie'. I had no idea what to do now. *HELP*

couple of problems with this. eliminate briskly. jumped implies it. second eliminate finally. irrelevant and time wasting. if she's noticing it becomes obvious that is just now or finally. third i think you mean species. fourth off what the heck is the help with asterisks. i don't think that should be there.

All I saw were her red, blood-hot eyes

blood shot. no hyphen (i think)

After that, I felt a tremendous pain vibrate through my head, passing my skull and rattling my brain.

i don't think the first vibrate part is necessary. besides pain doesn't vibrate. it is however okay to ascribe pain movement.

My legs lay lifelessly on the ground

take out lifelessly. just say that they lay upon the ground. the reader will assume the rest.

I heard the extremely faint rustling of leaves.

that's a boder line adverb. remove it or don't. just thought you might like to know that.


Overall:

piece needs a lot of flow work and little bit of back story. but aside from that it leaves you in suspense and anxious to here more. good work with that. i really like how you wove a Japanese semblance into the Neeko's appearance and names. 8/10 in my book

Here i am to do my copy editor act. sorry if it kinda tears your work to shreds. just the way i am.

I got to my feet, took a few steps back, and got ready to defend or attack.

okay, i think that's one to many ideas to a sentence. try to split the preparing into another one.

"Well, I don't know if you're friend or foe. And besides, your friends last night didn’t seem like they wanted to get acquainted.”

the dialogue, especially the friend or foe bit needs revision. i don't know how to do it better I'm atrocious with dialogue.

"A Neko is someone who can turn into a cat or wolf,”she explained."Whenever we aren't in our animal form, we still have our ears and tail."

is it just me or does this seem a little forced?

I noted.

try to stick away from exotic speaking verbs, its bad style. "Said" is a beautiful ambiguous dialogue word so use it often. in rare cases things like complained or yelled are okay however.

revealing two pure black cat ears

i don't think pure is really necessary in that sentence. the reader will probably assume its a solid color if you just ply them with black.

"I must admit, that's really awesome, but I'm still not letting my guard down."

um... here goes that forced dialogue speech again.

"Yeah, yeah, that's great, but do you want to see Demeter and Osoroshii again?" she asked hesitantly, as if trying to speed up the conversation.

okay the dialogue here is okay but the description after word is a little sketchy. first off if you're asking hesitantly wouldn't you be trying to slow the conversation down? secondly don't use adverbs like hesitantly. It sounds and looks bad. try to find a way around it. but there are the rare few that can't be removed. this isn't one of them however.

"Of course I do! What have you guys done to them?!"

remove the exclamation point. more than one punctuation mark at the end is just bad juju .

She sighed an oh-my-gosh-sigh. "Wait until you see your room."

firstly don't do the whole connecting words thing (oh-my-gosh). second off REALLY don't do it. third off REALLY don't do it while describing something. find something smaller and a little more eloquent. (you can get hours of dictionary tag on these little problems however)

fourthly, why the heck is this guy staying here. I thought he didn't trust her. also i thought he just came by to see his charming little friends.

"Outside," she said clearly.

take out clearly. it is irrelevant. and its an adverb. probably why its irrelevant.

Without saying another word, she sprung open one of the double doors, revealing the outside world

"sprung open"? i don't think that is the right word choice.

covered with red-tainted trees stretched for as far as I could see.

firstly, i think you mean red-tinted. secondly i think that sentence needs a comma somewhere.

making the steps dangerously slippery

take out dangerously. slippery implies danger.

completely forgetting everything

completely is redundant if you have everything in there. remove completely please.

I couldn't believe how gracefully she moved

i let slowly fly since that is one of the rare few which can not be removed. but gracefully here is not needed. especially with the description after it.

"You're welcome," the girl smiled satisfactorily and began walking back to her group.

first take out satisfactorily. the writing before should imply that. if you think it doesn't add something.
second is a question I've been meaning to ask for some time. WHY IN SAM !@#$ ARE THESE NUTTERS STRINGING PEOPLE UP WITH (OUCH) BARBED WIRE? its no fault on your part you just need some explanation soon.

One of them, a male

is "boys" or "guys" too much for us to be called?

My eyes jumped briskly from creature to creature, finally noticing that each group seemed like it had their own 'specie'. I had no idea what to do now. *HELP*

couple of problems with this. eliminate briskly. jumped implies it. second eliminate finally. irrelevant and time wasting. if she's noticing it becomes obvious that is just now or finally. third i think you mean species. fourth off what the heck is the help with asterisks. i don't think that should be there.

All I saw were her red, blood-hot eyes

blood shot. no hyphen (i think)

After that, I felt a tremendous pain vibrate through my head, passing my skull and rattling my brain.

i don't think the first vibrate part is necessary. besides pain doesn't vibrate. it is however okay to ascribe pain movement.

My legs lay lifelessly on the ground

take out lifelessly. just say that they lay upon the ground. the reader will assume the rest.

I heard the extremely faint rustling of leaves.

that's a boder line adverb. remove it or don't. just thought you might like to know that.


Overall:

piece needs a lot of flow work and little bit of back story. but aside from that it leaves you in suspense and anxious to here more. good work with that. i really like how you wove a Japanese semblance into the Neeko's appearance and names. 8/10 in my book

oh wait i screwed up this isn't the first part. damn ignore the whole back story comments

Aloe, thank you for the great critique. I'll see what I'm willing to change and I'll edit it soon! If you're interested, I'd be quite ecstatic if you could review my other parts. Thank You!

(By the way, the main character is a girl. Hence the name 'Carzyl' in the first part.) ^_^

Okay, Aloe made me a little confused. I thought your main Character was a girl! Thanks for clearing that up Vamp.

Allrighty! Very interesting. The whole cat neko think makes me think of a story I wrote in fifth grade. It was exactly the same, except my MC could turn into a panther and her name was Aunyx. Anyway...

"Nekos?" I asked confused.

comma after "asked."

"I don't see cat ears popping out of your skull," I noted.

If she was wearing a hat, wouldn't your MC assume that the ears were under it?

In front of me stretched a long passageway, with arched pillars on both sides. The floor on the passageway was a huge mirror which stretched from one end of the room to the other.

You shouldn't use the word "stretched" twice in such a short period of time. I would change the second sentence to say, "The floor of the passageway was a huge mirror that extended from one end of the room to the other." Also, I don't think you even need anything past "...huge mirror" because they assume that the floor covers the area from one end of the room to the other, and the floors a mirror, so...

Yes, I know it's wonderful but we've got to go this way.

comma after "wonderful"

Yes, I know it's wonderful but we've got to go this way.

Again, I stared, dazed at the beauty of the hallway. The walls were painted a golden orange color and the lamps were made of bronze. Animy sighed annoyed.
"You're not going to gawk at everything you see are you?" she asked irritated.

Okay, this part didn't flow well for me. In the second quote, first sentence, the word "again" is out of place. You didn't mention her staring at the beauty of the hallway before, so how could she be doing it again? I think "golden-orange" is hyphenated. Comma in "Animy sighed, annoyed."
Here two quotes don't really make sense. You need to give her more of a reason to be annoyed. Tell us how long your MC is staring at the hallway, or maybe she doesn't even realize that she's staring. I don't know. Up to you.

She sighed an oh-my-gosh-sigh. "Wait until you see your room."

I would say, "She sighed again, a little louder this time. "Wait..."

The hallway ended in a huge room

This sentence seemed a little awkward. I would say, "The hallway emptied into a huge room." Little river analogy there.

Animy continued to walk at a quick pace, rounding the mansion we had just come from.

Okay, NEVER end a sentence with a preposition. Change it to "...rounding the mansion from which we had just come."

I had a hard time not losing my footing - the plants were soaked with water, making the steps dangerously slippery.

The negative "not" kind of threw this sentence for me. I would say, "I had diffuculty keeping my footing," to change it to a positive.

Demeter, my best friend, was tied to a tree from ankles to shoulders.

When someone is tied from ankles to shoulders, I picture no spaces between the coils, so how could your MC have seen the bruises other than the one on her forehead? Barbed wire is pretty thin, though.
OH, and what happened to Osoroshii?

But they didn't care to me right now, I couldn't take my eyes off Dem.

You're wandering into run-on land. Either replace the comma with a period or a semicolon. Also, "But they didn't care to me right now," doesn't really make sense. Either say something like, "But they didn't matter to me right now," or "But I didn't care about them right now." Also, you're using two different tenses in one sentence. The rest of the story is in past tense, so change "...care to me right now" to "...care to me right then."

I reached the black-haired girl in no more than three seconds and punched her back with strength I didn't even know I had.

Ha-ha!

*HELP*

Put your personal thoughts in itallics.

"You'll make me lose my hearing if you continue like this!"

At first, this confused me. I would clarify "..if you continue screaming like this!"

"Sorry, I heard him whisper

Closing quotations.

*This is so confusing!*

I would change it to "This was all so confusing!" without any little star things or itallics.

*What's wrong with being partially conscious?!*

I don't think you need this sentence.

Overall, it was very good! You need to work on varying your sentence complexities a little bit. You tend to use the same parts of speach in all your sentences.
Let me know when you post the next part!

-Sea-

EDITED

Yay! Edited. Getting much better, but I still have a few nit-picks.

First of all, are Neeco, and Neko pronounced the same? I think I know how to pronounce the creature that the girl is: short "e," hard "k," and a long "o." Am I right? Or maybe it's a long "e." It's the boy's name I have trouble with. Is the "c" hard or is it pronounced like an "s?" Anyway...

I got to my feet, took a few steps back, and got ready to defend or attack.

This is a little too...laid out. It seems like, "she did this, then this, then this," if you know what I mean. It confused punctuation a little, in my opinion. To break it up, I would put your dialogue between "...took a few steps back," and "...and got ready to defend or attack." That way, you can link in the defend or attack thing into your description of dialogue.

But, in the end, what choice did I have? And, if I did see them, would they kill me?

Personally, I don't like the sentence setup of interrupters. These two aren't exactly grammatically correct. I don't think that the commas after the conjunctions are right. If you do take them out, it would make the flow of the sentences better, I think. Leave the other commas though.

Were we'll be going no one trusts anyone else anyway.

"Where," not "Were"

Someone is walking their dog around hear and I'm scared to death of dogs."

"here"

Behind the long, white stones were rows and rows of bookcases. Each overfilled with books.

Second sentence here is a fragment. You could either change "overfilled" with "overflowed," (which is the choice I would reccomend) or combine it with the other sentence with a comma.

Animy sighed annoyed.
"You're not going to gawk at everything you see are you?" she asked irritated[b].

If you want to keep these phrases as they are, you need a comma between their verbs and their adverbs. However, they sort of stick out. You already said that she was annoyed with "Animy sighed, annoyed." We don't need to know that she asked the question irritably, for that is implied. I would get rid of the second bolded sentence, and replace it with the first, so it reads, "...lamps were made of bronze. Animy sighed with annoyance. 'You're not going to gawk at everything you see are you?'" Then Carzyl comes in with her dialogue. I think that flows better.

"Outside," she said clearly.

I'm not crazy about this adverb. For some reason, I hear her saying it shortly and with an air of sarcasm. Don't ask me why. I'm going crazy.

"Whats in those two rooms?"

"What's"

Demeter, my best friend, was tied to a tree

Since we already know that Carzyl and Demeter are best friends, I'm not entirely sure that you need the interrupter here. Your choice.

They were all in their own little 'cliques', though, reminding me of the groups of people at our school.

don't need "though." It disrupts the flow.

I couldn't take my eyes off Dem.

Technically, you need an "of" after "off." I know it doesn't sound right, and your story is in first person, so I think you can get away with it if it's how she talks.

My blood rushed through my body, feeling it warm my entire body.

You need to add another subject, because right now you are saying that the blood is rushing through your body and feeling itself warm you. You also don't need the repetition of "body." I might say, "My My hot blood rushed through my body, warming it violently." I'm not sure...

If I could call her that, that is.

The repition of "that" sounds bad. I would replace the first that with, "a girl"

"You'll make me lose my hearing if you continue to yell like this!" I yelled. Well, it seemed like a yell, anyway.

You used the word, "yell" three times in two sentences. Please substitue some of them.

"Lets take her inside," the voice ordered.

First, "Lets" should be "Let's." Second: umm...which voice ordered?

Okay, now I'm going to back-track. Sorry.

On the uneven horizon, the sun seemed nothing more than a half-yellow circle, but it painted the sky red, orange, and purple.

I would turn the colors into a prepositional phrase. Either say, "..but it painted the sky with red, orange, and purple," or "...but it painted the sky in red, orange, and purple." Or leave it as is.

I got to my feet, took a few steps back, and got ready to defend or attack.

"got" is sort of a weak verb. I would suggest, "stumbled"

The walls were painted a golden orange color and the lamps were made of bronze.

These two "were"s sort of bother me. I would say, "The bronze lamps stood out against the golden orange color of the painted walls." No more b-verbs.

And there was one other place...
GRRR. I can't find it. It was another "were" I think. It was a really good sentence, but the "were" bugged me. Oh, well.
Ooh, never mind. I just found it.

Behind the long, white stones were rows and rows of bookcases

Subsitute a more descriptive verb. Give us a picture of the bookcases. For example, did they simply sit, or did they loom. Did they rest behind the stones, or stand? You get the point.


I really hope that this makes sense, because I'm really tired and I doubt that I'll be able to make any sense of my words tomorrow morning.
I hope this was helpful and I can't wait for the next part.

-Sea-

Re edited

I like it! Poor Dem...What happened to me?! Lol. And why is Osoroshii gone? And where is she? So many questions!!! *gasp!* Lol. I can't wait to read the next part(s). There's just one thing...you use the word 'male' twice and don't use 'guy' or 'boy,' just like aloe said. So...maybe you could change that up a bit. For the most part, that's the only thing that bothered me. You had good word choice and described it very well ^^ GREAT suspence aspect. I really like it n_n