OMG, this is so sad, I can't believe I wrote it. I wanted it to end differently, but Joshua insisted that it was the only way. I know I sound insane...
The air was frozen solid as Kelly walked home from school on a late Friday afternoon. Cell phone in hand, she called her voicemail system, hoping that someone’s voice would help her escape the extreme lonely feeling gnawing at her stomach.
First new message… Hey Kelly it’s Therese, do you think I could borrow your history notes from Thursday… beep.
[i]Message two… Hi honey, it’s dad. I’ll be home late tonight, I got held up at the office… beep.
[i]Message three…Kel? It’s Joshua.
Kelly froze. Her muscles suddenly felt like ice under her skin as little jolts of electricity ran up and down her spine.
Listen to me, I can explain. I can explain everything.
I need you to understand that I would never ever try to hurt you while in my right mind. Just something happened and... Look, I know you really don’t want to see me, but can we at least talk over the phone? I miss you and I still love you. Bye.
The last tones of his voice lingered in the freezing air. Kelly drew out the memory of the husky voice as her panicked breath came in little bursts of condensation.
She hung up on her voice mail system and stared down at her cell phone. The phone that still contained the message of her best friend… and her almost rapist.
[s] &&&&&[/s]
“Hello?” he answered in a voice so familiar she almost had to force her pre-planned words from her throat.
“You’re not the person I thought you were.” Kelly gripped the cord of the phone that was pressed a little too hard to her ear.
“Kelly.”
“I’m afraid of you. Don’t talk to me anymore.” She said, her voice shaking.
“You don’t understand Kel. I swear. I’m extremely disgusted with myself, I can’t even explain how horrified I am that I tried to hurt you.” His voice cracked on the last word. She imagined him reaching out to her, she knew that’s what he would do if they were in person.
“Why? All I can ask is why?” she started to pace, more fervor seeping into her with each step. “What is wrong with you? I never ever expected anything like this. Why would you do that? I loved you.” Tears started to clog her windpipe, making it hard to breathe.
There was a drawn out silence. The words crawled slowly and reluctantly from the phone line. “I’m a sex addict.” He sighed, long and heavy, “I admit it.”
The deluge came now, like a levee in her tear ducts had just burst. She’d been expecting something like this, but now that it was real, out in the open, instead of a swirling theory in her mind. Nothing could console the desperate desolation swelling in her breast.
She could hear his slow, mortified breaths in her ear. “I’ve been trying to control it for so long. I wanted to be a better person for you. You are my salvation, Kelly. You are my best friend in the world.” Kelly cried audibly now, she knew he could hear it, each of his words became more strained while she cried.
“But something in me snapped that night. It was like I was someone else. I swear Kelly.” His voice was like fire, warm with familiarity, but it was slowly burning her.
“You still did it. You tried to violate me, you know what happened to my mother.” Her words were hard to force out as she sobbed, her ribs shaking the impact of her grief and humiliation.
“I know. I won’t ever ever try to do it again. I’m so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.” She could hear him crying through the line, every sob broke her heart over and over again. “I’ll get help. I thought I could do it on my own, but I can’t. I want to stop this.”
She wrapped the phone cord around her fingers tightly. She could hardly bear the tension of his shaking voice.
“Kelly please.” He begged, “Just tell me you forgive me, or I’ll never be able to live with myself. I love you; you’re the best friend I ever had. You mean more to me than anything.”
There was a loud pop, and suddenly the tension of the cord wrapped around her fingers, relaxed. The line went dead.
Kelly listened to the dial tone in her ear for a full minute before realizing what happened. She hurriedly jammed the jack back into the socket and hit redial. She forgave him, of course she forgave him. Kelly couldn’t even bring herself to imagine a life without him. She loved Joshua more than words could express. They could get through anything together.
He didn’t pick up. Not the first time, or the second, or the third time she tried. Kelly became a ghost of fried nerves. She called his phone for hours, automatically hitting redial every time she heard his cheery voice tell her to leave a message after the beep.
“Kelly honey, what are you doing down there?” she heard someone say from the top of the stairs. Her father.
She couldn’t respond, the clock told her she’d been redialing Joshua’s number for two hours. But it felt like days.
He’ll call back when he’s ready. Kelly repeated in her head as she forced a smile at her father, telling him she’d be up in a second.
She didn’t sleep the entire night. Every waking hour was devoted to thoughts about Joshua. What was he doing right now? Why hadn’t he answered her calls? Did he hate her now? Her blankets became knotted ropes binding her to the bed.
Sunlight came with salvation. Kelly was up and calling Joshua the second morning’s breathy rays reached her window. Still no answer. Why wouldn’t he pick up?
When she finally stumbled downstairs, the morning had become full and welcoming, but her mind never left his name. She was too tired to do anything but repeat it inside her head. Joshua, Joshua, Joshua.
Out her window, Kelly watched a little orange bundle drop to her driveway, courtesy of a little red truck. It slid on the ice-covered cement. In that moment, Kelly wanted desperately to feel the chill of the December air on her warm skin. Her fingers curled around her down feather coat hanging from its hook. She slipped into her waiting boots and stepped through the doorway, instantly freezing.
Walking on the ice was difficult and the piercing wind whipped right through her, but she barely felt it. She couldn’t feel much of anything right now. Her head was still pulsing with the name of the boy she loved dearly.
Package in hand, she climbed back up the driveway ever so slowly. Relishing in the numbing feeling of the cold. A light dusting of snow fell around her, melting instantly as it fell on her coat and in her hair.
When she could no longer stand the chill, Kelly reluctantly returned indoors. The front door crashed with a bang, alerting her father of her presence. Kelly wordlessly plopped the newspaper in front of him and commenced to take off her boots and hang up her coat.
A shocked gasp escaped into the still atmosphere, Kelly turned to see her father standing rigidly, staring down at the pages of newsprint. His face held a look of shock and fright she’d only seen it carry once before.
Kelly’s heart started to pound as she raced to his side.
In big, bold print the headline read, Local Teen, Joshua Reeder, Commits Suicide.
