Queen of Dark

*This is my first fantasy story, so I'm not really sure how good it is.*

Prologue

I gasped for air as he choked me. I could feel my own saliva trickle down my throat and into my lungs. It burned, made my eyes water, but he didn’t stop. The evil creature had it’s talons wrapped around my neck as I lay on the ground bleeding. I felt bruises and cuts all around my body as I lay in a mangled mess upon the earth.
Why did it have to end like this when my life was so happy, so fulfilled? Nick would never see me, all because I had kept a secret. A secret far beyond him knowing, or anyone. It was a secret of the Dark. And I was it’s queen.
When it thought I had suffered enough it took it’s claws off from around my neck and stepped back to admire it’s work. My neck fell back to the earth as I continued to gasp for air. Blood from my head dripped down into my mouth and I choked on that, as well. The thing just stood there, watching, then it took off it’s helmet and stared at me. The creature transformed into a human form, while remaining posed. I had just enough energy to move my head in the direction of the transformed creature to gasp at what I saw. Those grey eyes I knew so well...
I gasped even harder as tears streamed down my face. The evil boy walked over to me with a twisted grimace on his pretty face. That made me cry harder as betrayal washed over me. Those were the last feelings before my world disintegrated into darkness.

Hey there SeleneForeverDream.

It burned, made my eyes water, but he didn’t stop.

Wait...what is making the narrator burn?

Why did it have to end like this when my life was so happy, so fulfilled? Nick would never see me, all because I had kept a secret. A secret far beyond him knowing, or anyone. It was a secret of the Dark. And I was it’s queen.

Why keep this plot point hush hush? You want to draw your reader into the story, not to repulse them.

Overall impressions:

You really do not need a prologue. It is not needed. You are better off starting this as chapter 1 and working your way up from there. I notice that you have a lot of minute by minute detail in this (and it's a common trend among novice writers). You do not need to describe everything that happened (obviously when a creature is attacking a girl, there would be cuts and bruises etc etc yes?). Instead, focus more on driving the narrative forward and incorporate more on the details that have relevance on the story as a whole.

I hope you will continue this and good luck. You are on the right track.

Andy.

Not that much to go on, but a good start.

I gasped for air as he choked me.

This line makes me think it's a human choking her. Since the monster bit was toned down in the middle, I got a little confused.

The evil boy walked over to me with a twisted grimace on his pretty face.

"Evil" is a rather overused word in fantasy. It tells us something about the character instead of showing us his nasty traits. You can cut it, since "twisted" is also used in the sentence.

I find this doesn't read like a prologue. It would make a pretty good excerpt (from the middle, or the end if there's a sequel), but there is too much history behind this event for it to start the story off.

The sentences in here are rather long. A good rule of thumb is: the more panic you want to show, the shorter you make your sentences.

The idea has me really intrigued though. Why is the Dark feared? What did she think the consequences would be if she revealed her true nature? Where does Nick fit in to all of this?

PM me when more is up, or you want some more comments!

I agree with Squall, you really don't need a prologue. I understand that maybe you want to grasp readers' attention with this, but there are just so many of these out there. If you want to stick with the idea of a prologue, try to make it less gruesome, because that is really...I don't want to say amateur, but I can't think of another word. This prologue is basically just jumping into the action.

Your descriptions are amazing, though, and I think that you could make something spectacular if you write it differently. Some advice I give to you is to maybe start the story off with some humor. I'm not really a fan of doom and gloom and more DOOM fantasy fiction, and laughter tends to draw me in. However, this is completely your choice.

If you want any more advice, just PM me.

Ciao baby,

Dream,

XOXO

Yeah, I think I'll post Chapter 1 in a few days and start out from there. I was bored last night, so I just wrote this. This is my first real fantasy and it's pretty much practice for one of my larger stories. Looking over this now, it's really not that great, but I agree with starting out with chapter 1. I'll post it as soon as I write it.