The Love Note prologue and ch. 1 (Heavily edited)

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Okay, so this is the heavily edited version of the first chapter of my novel-in-progress THe Love Note. I'll warn you it's very long, but apprently we are no longer allowed to post chapters in the advanced critiques forum, so I'm putting it here. Please I'm looking for constructive criticism, which means I want to know why you like or don't like it. I'm more than willing to donate or review in return, but if you're asking for a review I can't promise I can't promise I'll be able to get to it in a timely way. :)

----

A cry of pain rose out above the crack of a gunshot. Like a scene from a movie, a teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards. As he hit the ground, a girl about the same age detangled herself from the shadows surrounding the edge of the clearing. She was clad in a black turtleneck and dark jeans and flashes of moonlight glinted off the wire-rimmed glasses she wore. The thick grass muffled the sounds of her bare feet as she padded over to the body. In one swift movement, she bent down to check a bloody wrist for a pulse and straightened back up.

She looked down sadly at his face, eternally frozen into an expression of surprise and pain, and murmured, "I'm sorry Eddie, but you really shouldn't have ignored me like that. You were all I thought about, but you never looked twice at me. You gave me no choice." Without another word, she turned and walked away until she disappeared into the trees, not looking back as the blood sank into the earth around Eddie's broken body. A moment later, another shot cracked through the still night air.

In a swath of shrubbery on the far side of the clearing a branch snapped, revealing a face looking out with shocked and terrified eyes. Then a cloud rolled over the moon, and the clearing was bathed in darkness.

* * *

The blessed end-of-year bell rang through the hallways at Clover High School. As the last echoes faded out, a throng of teenagers slowly surged into the halls, branching out into their own little groups. In the center of one, the dirty-blond head of Brad Liftridge could be clearly seen. He was an average boy with a large build, laughing green eyes, and a nose a little too large for his face. A few scars from his adolescent acne outbreak were still faintly visible on his pale face. He looked over, laughing, at the black-haired Sophomore standing next to him. She shoved at one impressive arm and smiled.

From further down the hallway, the high, reedy voice of Christian Rei rose above the clamor, announcing a party at his house the next day at seven. Shawn Thompson, his voice also high, called back, "Who all you invitin' Christian?"

Christian didn't reply at first, but forced his way through the crowd until he reached Shawn. Christian had tanned skin, and was remarkably taller, skinnier, and more handsome than Shawn. "Well, Shawn," he started, a drawl in his voice. "I thought I'd invite Brad, Ash, X," he listed names for a few more moments, and Shawn started to look slightly disappointed. Noticing his expression, Christian grinned demoniacally, scratched at the green cast on his left arm, and added, "Oh, and Becca, too, of course."

Shawn grinned sheepishly, straightened to his full, unremarkable height, and ran a pudgy hand through his strawberry-blond hair. The sprinkle of pimples across his nose and cheeks grew less apparent as his face reddened. When he realized Christian had seen his reaction, though, he became very interested in his shoes.

Speaking to the floor, Shawn clumsily changed the subject. "Uh, you're parents ain't thinkin' of crashing, are they?"

Still beaming, Christian answered, "Naw, they outta town for another month, at least." Leaving Shawn to blush, Christian turned and shoved through the crowd towards his locker. Along the way, he hit his cast, hard, on the back of a skinny and bespectacled Freshman. The papers the younger boy had been carrying went flying as he fought to keep his balance. Chrisitian chuckled to himself and continued to his locker. He removed the only remaining object - a skateboard - turned and rode through the school's double doors. Most of the students left shortly after; Sean joined up with another Junior, the skinny Freshman quickly gathered up the papers he had dropped and scurried out the door, the girl that had been with Brad walked over to a group of girls, and, linking arms, they trailed everyone else out. Only Brad was left rummaging through his locker.

He quickly dumped the assorted items left in his locker into his bag, and was shutting the door when something caught his eye. Wedged in the corner of his locker was a folded up paper, yellowed with age. Without really thinking about it, he worked it out of the corner and stuffed it in his back pocket. Then he turned and pushed through the doors. Giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the glaring summer sun, Brad looked around; most of the other students had driven off, except Christian, who could be seen a few blocks away with a blonde Brad didn't recognize, and a little group of Freshmen. Brad scanned over their faces to see if the Freshman he had seen Christian hit was there. When they saw Brad staring at them, they hurried off in another direction.

"Ya know, next year we'll be Seniors, and they'll really have to worry."

Brad jumped when he heard someone speaking in his ear, and spun around to see two of his best friends. Kent Greenwood, the one who had spoken, stepped back and glared down at Brad in mock anger. "Thought you was leavin' without us did ya?"

"I figured you went home early. Wouldn't be the first time. What did you want me to do? Hang out all day in that hell-hole just to find out you cut and went home early?"

Kent's companion, Arik Johnson, spoke up. "It's like you don't know us at all. We would never skip school and miss out on all the amazing educational opportunities."

"Yeah right. The only reason you guys came today was to see the squad give their end-of-year performance. Why were you late anyways?"

Kent laughed. "Ms. Bitch-acre held us late. Somethin' about us not doin' our homework last night." Ms. Bisacre was their math teacher.

"It's her own fault for making homework due on the last day. She has to expect someone to not do it," Arik cut in.


"Yeah, then somebody tried to get us off the hook by asking her if she would really punish us for something we didn't do, and somebody almost got us beat to death with her yardstick." Kent jerked his thumb at Arik every time he said "somebody," just in case Brad couldn't figure out who he meant.

"Remind me again how this guy skipped a grade?" Brad teased.

"I guess he used to be smart. Wouldn't know it looking at him now though." Kent laughed and playfully shoved Arik to show he didn't mean anything by his words. He and Brad both knew well that Arik was plenty smart.

The guys started walking, but before long Kent stopped. He straightened up to his full height, and went rigid as a dog on bird-point. Brad followed his line of sight back to the school's front doors. Arik, who was at least a foot shorter than Kent, had to tiptoe to see over the hedge that almost completely blocked his view.

Rebecca Mathews and Keren Kelga had just come out of the school, still wearing the uniforms from the cheer squad's performance that day.

The boys slowed their pace, giving the two girls no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent casually walked over and draped his arm around Keren, the only girl in school close to his height. "Hey Keren, so I had this idea, right-"

Becca cut him off, "You had an idea? Better tell us quick before it dies of loneliness."

"Yeah, so Christian's having this party tomorrow," he went on, a bit flustered now. "And I thought I'd-"

Keren didn't take the time to listen to the rest of his proposal, just removed his arm, turned to Becca and said, "Come on, Bec. Let's get out of here before they have any other ideas."

They turned and crossed the street, their hips rolling smoothly. Brad, Kent, and Arik followed them to their street, only admitting defeat when they saw Becca's dad on his front porch drinking a Bud. They turned instead for Christian's house, which was just down the block.

As the guys were walking up Christian's driveway, he pulled up behind them on his skateboard. When his arm had broken, the doctor ordered him off the skateboard until the cast was removed. Christian had been back on it the next day.

"Where were you?" Kent asked. "You should'a been here before us."

Christian grinned. "I had to walk Kathlina home."

"What happened to Michaela?"Arik questioned.

"She skipped today, and she lives on the other side of town."

"What are you gonna do when she finds out?" Brad prompted.

"Eh, I dunno. She's getting a little old anyways. And this total babe just moved in across the street."

Brad shook his head, but couldn't help admiring Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.

Christian kicked the skateboard into his four-car garage and ushered his friends inside and into the living room. The house was lavishly decorated in Asian style furniture, rugs, and wall art, and the far corner of one wall was almost completely covered by a plasma screen TV. Brad and Christian sat on the couch, Arik chose his favorite overstuffed armchair, while Kent disappeared into a kitchen half the size of Brad's house.

"So, this party?" Arik prompted.

Christian answered, "We got an ass load of people comin'. X is the DJ, and we got plenty of space for dancing. My dad has some six packs and whiskey locked up, but I found the key last year. We just need food. My mom left five hundred dollars emergency money, think that'll be enough?"

The guys laughed, though Arik, who was always broke, looked faintly jealous.

Christian went to get the money and keys while Brad, Kent, and Arik went outside. By the time Christian got outside, Kent and Arik were waiting in the Chevy Pick-Up's bed, while Brad was leaning on the hood. Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.

When they got back, Brad happened to look at the dashboard clock as he got out. Immediately he jumped out. "Oh shit! I was s'possed to be home ten minutes ago! Gotta run!"

Kent, who was climbing out of the bed, looked at Brad. "Oh calm down. You're always late and your mom always backs you up. You could come home tomorrow and get away with it."

"Yeah, but I been late everyday this week. Brian said if I'm late again I'm grounded."

Arik started grumbling that that was what he said every time, but Brad had already taken off in the direction of his house, book bag flopping wildly on his back. He turned onto his street half an hour late, breathing a sigh of relief when Brian's old Corvair wasn't in the driveway. Bursting through the door, Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom and threw his shoes on the couch.

He started for the kitchen, but veered off sharply into the computer room when he caught wind of his mother's infamous cooking. She must have been honoring Kamren's new attempted vegetarian diet; today the kitchen smelled like his mom's meatless meat-loaf, or as she liked to call it, wheatloaf.

Oh shit, Brad thought, almost kicking himself. How could I forget she'd be home already. It was too late now though; he was already in the doorway of the computer room.

His eight-year-old sister Kamren was sitting on the ottoman, and she looked up from the monitor as Brad walked in. "Ooh, you're late! I'm telling mom and dad!" As she finished speaking, Brad heard the sound of an engine being cut off and a car door slamming. Before he could move, Kamren had leaped off the little chair and ran past him. She skipped down the hallway, gleefully chanting, "Brad came home late!"

Brad cursed under his breath before sighing resignedly and following his sister into the mudroom. His step-dad Brian Liftridge had already hung his coat on the antique style coat rack he had inherited from his mother last year. He stooped to pick up Kamren and was straightening back up when Brad walked in. "Call it a hunch, but I get the feeling you came home late?" Brian asked. The soft look in his eyes Kamren gave him was tempered by the icy glint that always seemed to be in it when he saw Brad.

"I was at the store with the guys. The line was huge."

"Why?"

"I guess because it's payday. There's always a lot of people on pay-"

Brian cut him off, "I meant, why were you at the store, wise ass?" Now the soft look was completely gone.

"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."

"And I'm sure you asked your mother if you could go already, because I certainly haven't been informed."

"Uh, I was gonna ask as soon as you got home?"

As they were speaking, Brad's mom Patricia Liftridge had been standing by the screen door, listening silently, but now she spoke up. "Aww, let him go, Hun. Kamren's going out, too. There's no point in making Brad stay home."

Brian looked at his wife for a moment, then turned back to Brad. "Fine, you can go." Brad caught the grudging note in his voice, but was determined not to let his step-dad's transparent dislike of him get under his skin. He wouldn't le it bother him anymore.

"Thanks Mom! You're the best!" Brad turned and ran off to the stairs. Pausing half way up he turned around and added, "Well, sort of."

Slamming the door to his room, Brad picked up the phone and dialed Christian's number.

"Yeah? What is it Brad?"

"I just asked. I can go."

"Great, I guess."

"What d'ya mean?"

"We all knew you'd be allowed to go. Your mom never says no."

"True. Have Kent or Arik called yet?"

"They're both still here. But they called home; they can go. Everyone's coming at seven tomorrow."

"Okay, cool. Wait!"

"What?"

"No one invited Ritchie or Zach, right?"

"Those losers from math class? Hell no!"

"Good. Later."

"Later."

The line clicked off and Brad hung up. Pulling off his shirt, grabbing the remote and flopping down on his bed, he switched on the TV. Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Groaning, he switched to HBO instead, where a horror movie was playing.

He watched the movie, falling into the usual stupor of a teenager in front of a TV. He couldn't help thinking though, and wondering - not for the first time - what had compelled his mom to marry a woman who clearly didn't like her son. It's your own fault though, Brad thought. She asked you if you were okay with it and you told her "Yeah, go ahead. I don't care." Why should I not completely want to live in hell for the next nine years of my life?

Not that it had stared out as hell though; Brian had been great when he was just dating Brad's mom, shortly after her first husband and Brad's own father's death. Then Brad gave his consent, and they got married, and Brian turned into the male equivalent of Cinderella's step-mom. Brad hadn't even done anything to the man. He had just been an eight year old boy suffering from a tragic accident, and Brian had taken advantage of him. Then when he married his mom he all but beat Brad into submission. Only when she wasn't home though. Can't let your beautiful wife and lifelong heartthrob know you're torturing her son while she's at work. She might not be too happy about that, Brad though visciously.

It had been even worse in the years after Kamren was born. Brad got along just fine with her, or as fine as regular brothers and sisters get along, and Brian didn't treat Brad any worse, but now he had someone to spoil. It was almost more than Brad could take seeing how hated he seemed compered to how much love Kamren was lavished with. Brad even knew the reason Brian hated him; his late father. Brian had always been jealous of Tom; Tom had the successful job (they had lived a lot better when it was just the three of them before the accident. That was when Brad had met Christian). Tom had looks. Tom had Patricia. In other words, everything Brian hadn't had, and still didn't for the most part. But Tom was dead. Brian couldn't get back at him, so he took it out on the next best thing: Tom's son.

That was the explanation Brad had come up with when he was ten, in the late hours of the night before he finally managed to cry himself to sleep.

That was what Brad was thinking as the movie played, and he was only shocked out of his reverie when Kamren came skipping into the hallway, loudly singing that dinner was ready. Brad switched off the TV and poked his head out his door just in time to see Kamren at the end of the hallway. She turned to face him, grimaced and mimed throwing up, before turning and disappearing down the stairs. Her dark brown hair, braided with a red ribbon, flew out behind her. Brad got a bad feeling, but hunger drew him downstairs anyways.

Brad took his place at the table, muttering, "Yum," as his mother plopped a huge chunk of wheatloaf on his plate. She glanced at him sharply before setting down the pot and taking her own seat. Cutting off a tiny chunk, he popped it in his mouth and gulped it down with a swig of Dr. Pepper. Brian shot him a disproving look.

Kamren started talking about the party they had had at school. Brad noticed that between sentences she was eating the corn. The wheat loaf was untouched.

Brad managed to get down half the wheat loaf before he gave up. Spooning down some corn and chugging his Dr. Pepper, he quickly got up and dumped the wheat loaf in the garbage disposal before his mom could tell him to save it. Looking back at the table, he saw Kamren had only managed three bites, and was attempting to drown it in Ketchup. Laughing silently at her from behind his mom's back, Brad turned and ran back upstairs to shower.

By force of habit, he checked his pant pockets to make sure they were empty. He felt paper and pulled out a crumpled dollar and the old paper he had found in his locker. I don't remember ever using yellow paper. Must be from some old person. He started to trow it away, but curiosity overcame him and, careful not to tear it, he unfolded the paper. The ink had faded over time, but Brad could still make out what the note said:

Dearest Eddie,

I do not know if you know this about me, or if you feel the same, but I feel obliged to tell you regardless. You have captivated me for years, and if I do not express my emotions somehow I will surely go crazy. I think you are the most amazing person I have ever met, and quite recently I have come to believe I may even love you. I'm sure you could feel it too, if we only knew each other better. Eddie please, I implore you, try to feel it too. Find some way to reply back to me, soon.

Always yours,

Molly[i]

[i]Wonder who Eddie and Molly are?
Brad thought the name seemed vaguely familiar, but he couldn't think where he would have heard it. Must be really old though. What kind of teen uses the word "implore?" Shrugging, he put the note and the dollar by the mirror.

Brad stripped off his pants and turned the temperature knob all the way to the blue "C," a trait no one but him understood.

Just as he was about to get out, he thought he saw a reflection through the thick glass door, as though someone was standing in the bathroom. He slid it open a crack and peered out, but the room was empty. As soon as he closed it though, the form returned. It was distorted by the glass, but Brad thought it was bigger this time, as though it's owner was closer to the shower. Again he peeked out into an empty bathroom.

Slightly frustrated, he passed it off as one of Kamren's dumb tricks and stepped out of the shower. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he grabbed the note, dollar, and his clothes and walked down the hall to his room.

The rest of the night passed normally, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning.

It was just before noon when Brad woke up. Getting up, he walked to his closet, pulling off his pj's as he went. Ten minutes later he came into the kitchen, dressed in faded old blue jeans. The kitchen was empty; he found a sticky on the refrigerator and recognized his mother's huge and messy scrawled handwriting:

Brad, we went to Wal-Mart.

We'll be back by three. Feed

your sister.


Typical, Brad thought. Sighing, he walked back upstairs and beat on Kamren's door. When there was no reply, he entered anyway, and went straight to the blinds. He opened them, letting in the glaring sunlight. Kamren's head popped up from a tangle of bed sheets. "Wuzzgo'non?" She mumbled, peering at him through sleep-sticky eyes. "Brad? Go'way. Trynt'sleep."

"Whatever. Get- oh shit! Kamren, get out of the bed! There's a spider! A spider!"

Kamren screamed and jumped a foot into the air, crashed down to the floor, leaped back up and looked around wildly. "Where? Where is it!" She looked around a moment more before thoughts caught up to her, and she slowly turned to Brad, who was doubled over laughing. "You dirty little butt head! I can't believe you!"

Tears streaming from his eyes, Brad looked at her and said, "Hey, that's payback for the dumb shadow trick last night in the bathroom."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb Kamren, I know it was you."

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

"Whatever. Get up and get dressed. You're going to Brittney's house."

"Why?"

"Cuz I have to go Christian's house and you can't stay here alone."

"Why are you going to Christian's house?"

"We're planning a party." He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth."

"A party? Will Arik be there? Can I go?"

"Yes. Yes. No, you're going to Brittney's"

“But I’m hungry.”

“We’ll stop at McDonald’s on the way.”

She muttered under her breath, and Brad distinctly caught a few choice words he was sure she had turned him in for using before.

Brad left her to change and shower. Walking downstairs, he turned into the family room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch. He quickly stood up again though as he heard a sharp crack. Looking down, he saw a pair of wire-rimmed glasses half-hidden in the seat cushion, broken now that he had sat on them. That's weird. I don't know anyone that wears glasses. He guessed they belonged to one of Brian's friends and went to the kitchen to throw them away.

As he turned to walk back to the family room, Kamren came downstairs fully dressed. She looked at him and complained, "Aren't you even going to put a shirt on before we leave?"

"No." Without giving her any more chances to argue, Brad turned and led the way out of the house, grabbing the keys to his own VOlvo as he walked out the door.

Kamren was still sulking, and didn't speak the whole ride, except to give her order at McDonald's. When they arrived at Brittney's house she got out without saying goodbye and slammed the door. Brad shrugged it off and pulled away from the house, onto the highway.

Brad glanced at the dashboard clock. It was one twenty three. Without even having to do the calculation she knew he would be extremely early. Maybe I'll swing by Becca's house on the way there, he thought.

As he looked back to the road he took a passing glance at the car settings, and almost jammed on the brakes. The passenger side airbag was on; it was activated by weight. Even Kamren couldn’t get it to turn on. He blinked, and still the little airbag light was on.

He looked at the passenger seat. It was empty, but peering closer, he noticed an impression on it. His first, rather childish thought was that it looked like an invisible person was sitting there. But sure enough, no matter how hard he looked or how many times he blinked, the imprint didn't go away.

The sound of a blaring horn jerked Brad's attention back to the road, and he realized to his horror that he had just driven into oncoming traffic; an eighteen wheeler was barreling at him. Now he did jam on the brakes, cranking the wheel a hard right. Cars honked and screeched their brakes to avoid hitting him as he desperately tried to regain control.

The Volvo bumped off the road, teetering on two wheels. For a second Brad thought it might steady out, but the wobbling car hit a large ditch and pitched over onto its side, before rolling onto its back. His forehead cracked painfully off the steering wheel, leaving drops of blood behind. His left shoulder was jammed into the car's roof, and a sickening cracking sound came from one of his legs, sending blinding pain up his right side.

The windshield and windows shattered, pelting his bare chest with shards of glass, and the seatbelt was constricting him, making it hard to breath. It all seemed to happen very slow; Brad could see the glass in the air, slowing down as though some force from the matrix wanted his accident to be more dramatic. Finally, the car shuddered to a stop on its roof.

Brad managed to hold onto consciousness for a moment, and before he was pitched into a wave of welcoming darkness, he had one last thought: I thought my life was supposed to flash before my eyes?.

* * *

He stirred for a few moments before the ambulance arrived. Pain throbbed through his entire body and the car interior was flicked with blood. He was confused, but was pretty sure he was upside down, held in place by the seatbelt. Through the shattered windshield he saw a figure looking down at the wreckage, and as his vision cleared she came into focus.

It was a girl about his age. She had wire-rimmed glasses and was, despite the boiling summer heat, wearing a black turtleneck and dark jeans. Brad opened his mouth to call out for help, but something stopped him. Maybe it was intuition, or maybe it was the look of sheer joy on her face as she took in the mangled car and spattered blood.

Brad got the feeling she didn't know he was conscious. Seconds before her eyes shifted to his face, another wave of black rose behind his eyes, and he sank gratefully into it.
Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency.




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Hehe, I couldn't resist:

but if you're asking for a review I can't promise I can't promise I'll be able to get to it in a timely way.

Take out the second 'I can't promise', otherwise it's a double-negative.

Like a scene from a movie, a teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards.

I don't like the 'scene from a movie' reference. It's not a very effective description, and overall, weakens your piece. I would suggest you get rid of it altogether.

flashes of moonlight glinted off the wire-rimmed glasses she wore.

Okay, I'm a believer in the economy of words. I try and always put across an idea in the shortest, simplest, most effective way possible. I am being nit picky here, but I would suggest you rephrase this as 'glinted off her wire-rimmed glasses.' Personally I think it fits better.

The thick grass muffled the sounds of her bare feet as she padded over to the body.

Thick grass rustles and makes more noise then if you walk quietly on concrete ;)
"Who all you invitin' Christian?"

This dialogue is awkward. Say it out loud, it doesn't quite make sense even in informal language. I find it more natural to say "Who're you invitin'?"
Sean joined up with another Junior

Sean? I think you mean Shawn? ><;

He and Brad both knew well that Arik was plenty smart.


Ugh. I don't like the phrase 'was plenty smart'. It seems to be a bad use of English, in my opinion. It may just be a pet peeve, but I would much rather see you change it to "was smart enough" or something better.

Brad shook his head, but couldn't help admiring Christian's ability to pull it off flawlessly.

I don't like this sentence. I think it's because of your use of 'it'. You never actually stated what 'it' was, leaving your reader to guess. While it is fairly obvious, this is bad practice, as you want your reader to be absorbed by the story, not worrying about what you meant.

Brad cursed under his breath before sighing resignedly

Resignedly? I don't like this word. It's awkward to read and to say. Replace with 'in resignation.'
One thing I usually tell people to do is to read your story out loud, or get someone to read it to you. If you or they stumble over a word that isn't technical or fantastical, and it sounds awkward, replace it. If any sentences are awkward, consider changing where you place commas and full stops, or rearranging completely. If you're not sure where to put a comma, say the line out loud, and put a comma where you naturally want to pause, and a fullstop at the end of an idea.
The soft look in his eyes Kamren gave him was tempered by the icy glint that always seemed to be in it when he saw Brad.


This sentence is worded awkwardly. Perhaps 'The soft look in his eyes when he saw Kamren...'

"Oh. We needed food cuz Christian's throwing a party tomorrow."

I've done this too, accidentally. Cuz should be 'cause.
Yeah, go ahead. I don't care." Why should I not completely want to live in hell for the next nine years of my life?

Hehe, such a teenage comment. I like.

Okay, the overall impression now. I think you have tried to rush into the story a little too fast. It's okay to take it easy, and set up the characters first. I think the note was fine, and a good introduction to the conflict, but you rushed into the rest.
Relax, slow down, and let the plot build up gradually. Let him go to the party, and don't have the glasses thing- it's been overdone to the point it loses effectiveness. The party could be a great place to develop your character and how he fits into the social group, and his attitude on girls, mates, drinking, possibly drugs- it is a party, after all. Your character has some depth, but you could add more, and also deepen his mates and the surrounding in the process.
The whole car crash could be a climax in its own- I know it can't be THE climax, as we are only a short way into the story, but it could be pretty effective on its own. I don't know your plan for the plot, but why waste an opportunity to get the excitement going? To do this you need to first build up to it, mores slowly this time, deepen the character, and allow the reader to come to like and sympathize with your character.

Your plot is pretty good so far, though I don't see why the... ghost? would pick out Brad, apart from the fact he took and read the note. Hrmm. I hope you explain this at some point.

Description-wise, it's not actually too bad. Just make sure you include all five senses, you are trying to transport the reader into the story, not just show them a movie clip.

I think this has great potential, and don't hesitate to contact me when you write more, I don't mind reviewing longer chapters/parts at all. ^^
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM, I'll be very happy to help.

-Nutty
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




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This is very long. If I were to go line by line, my post would be huge.

Who? What? Where? Why? How?

I'm asking every question.

Who: You switch point of view a lot right at the beginning, and spend a lot of time describing Brad and his friends, but not the blonde that's right next to him whom he seems to like. There are a handful of other viewpoint switches that add to the confusion. For awhile, I thought Christian was the main character, when it's Brad. Don't change viewpoints unless it's absolutely necessary. It's also fuzzy who's who when describing the triangle between Tom, Brad and Brian. I didn't know who Tom was; I thought Tom was Brian's father. I thought Karmen was a girlfriend or something. Be very clear who's who.

What: Okay, what is going on? We have a party, we have Brad getting together with some not-so-good friends after his dad died (Or did he start to hang out with them to smite Brian?) we have a very bad relationship with Brad and his stepfather (Who's name is a little close to Brad's, by the way) and we have some sort of cursed ghost, all in the span of about five pages. What's your focus? Pick one to start off in detail, maybe hinting at a second one, and slowly introduce the rest. Maybe don't put the ghost in until chapter 2 or something. It cuts down on the whirlwind of events in here.

Where: I'm not asking this question as much, but what setting is this? You have one friend who doesn't have a lot of money, but he goes to the same (apparently public) school as a super-rich kid. And where does Brad fit into that nice little setting? You also spend time describing things that's aren't that necessary. We don't need to know where the coat-rack came from, we don't need to know every little detail about a person's home. Just what you're main character would notice.

Why: Why doesn't Christian get any pain from hitting the freshman on the back with a cast? Why would the ghost want to hurt Brad, unless she's obsessed with whoever owns that locker? Why throw a party in the first place? Why in the world would parents leave their fifteen/sixteen year old kid alone for over a month? Answer those and things will be slightly less confusing. Why wouldn't the mother see that the party might not be chaperoned? Why doesn't Brian say why he doesn't want Brad to go to that party? Basically, ask yourself why you're doing something for every single scene, description, bit of dialogue... everything you write down must have a "why" that makes sense.

How: Absolutely no hint is given to how. There isn't really a how. There's a bit too much telling to give a how. Like: how does the mother react to Karmen's veggie kick? How does Brad feel about that ghost/shadow? Ask yourself how you're going to do something, once you've figured out why it's there.

All-in-all the characters are pretty flat. The evil "Cinderella" style step-parent has been done to death, a misunderstood teenager has been done again and again, so have bratty siblings, totally "do-whatever-you-want" parents, bad influence friends, rebels, you name it. Put some Whys and Hows in with your characters to make them your own and cut the super-long backgrounds. Just give us enough to tell us Why.

A lot of telling, not much reason to it. We don't need to know right this second why Brad doesn't get along with Brian, we probably don't need all of Christian's background, nor do we need giant chunks of background on anybody and everybody. This is only chapter one, after all.

The plot line..... I find it creepy, but that aside here is something else: Your plot is basically a ghost trying to get revenge on a locker owner that may or may not look a thing like Eddie, whoever that is. It's back to the ol' set of questions: What is he going to do about it? How is he going to do that? Why is the ghost even seeking revenge? Ignoring somebody is hardly a reason. Who are those characters and How do they fit in? Where are you going to move them to get any sort of resolution in your plot? And finally: Will Brad be able to get rid of that ghost, or will he simply die from it's very, very, twisted (and secret) reasoning?

That's what I think about this. Hope I helped.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Wed Jul 22, 2009 3:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey, Jamie. This is one of the most enoyable things I've read on here in a while. You had good dialogue, some interesting characters with complex relationships, and the beginnings of a plot. You've packed a lot into a first chapter, but I don't think it detracted.

She looked down sadly at his face, eternally frozen into an expression of surprise and pain,


You use a lot of adverbs here at the start. They show that you're telling instead of showing. Instad of just saying that she's sad, show us with her actions. The dialogue expresses it pretty well already with the dialogue, so it could be cut.

a throng of teenagers slowly surged into the halls


"Slowly" and "surged" seem to conflict with each other. And if it's the end of year bell, they're hardly going to be slow. ;)

She shoved at one impressive arm and smiled.


How is the arm impressive, exactly?

Shawn started to look slightly disappointed. Noticing his expression, Christian grinned demoniacally, scratched at the green cast on his left arm, and added, "Oh, and Becca, too, of course."

Shawn grinned sheepishly,


I won't point them out again during my critique, but it's worth noting that you do overuse adverbs a lot of the time. You've hot three of them in just this short section. Read through and see how many of them are necessary. If the meaning would stay the same without the adverb, cut it.

"Uh, you're parents ain't thinkin' of crashing, are they?"


"Your're" should be "your."

Kent laughed. "Ms. Bitch-acre held us late.


xD this is good. You've got the dialogue down really well. However, I am a bit worried that you're introducing a lot of characters one after the other. They made be hard to remember and differentiate later. Might be something to think about.

Kent jerked his thumb at Arik every time he said "somebody," just in case Brad couldn't figure out who he meant.


The last part is redundant. Assume that your reader has some intelligence. We can work out why he's jerking his thumb at Arik. ;)

He and Brad both knew well that Arik was plenty smart.


You do tend to tell in some sections, like the one I pointed out before. As with the adverbs, try to show things with dialogue and description.

Christian and Brad climbed inside the truck, and they drove off to the local, and cheap, convenience store.


This sentence is awkward. It's the commas and repetition of "and," I think.

Brad kicked off his shoes in the mudroom and threw his shoes on the couch.


The mudroom? Is that an Americanism? XD Also, you repeat "shoes." Change the second one to "them."

His step-dad Brian Liftridge had already hung his coat on the antique style coat rack


Watch out. You have Brian and Brad. It could get confusing if they're together in many of the scenes.

"Yeah? What is it Brad?"


Comma after "it."

"Those losers from math class?


Ick. Cut "from maths class." It's really blatant exposition.

(they had lived a lot better when it was just the three of them before the accident. That was when Brad had met Christian)


Try not to use parathenses in your story. They're kind of amateurish.

Brian shot him a disproving look.


Should that be "disapproving"?

I would have put the whole note in italics, if I was you, but that's just a stylistic thing.

That's all I found wrong. Thanks for posting in my thread. I really enjoyed reading this. :)

-Mat




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Okay thanks everyone. I know it must have taken a while to get through this, and I appreciate it. I don't know if I'll be able to rewrite before the end of the quarter, what with finals and last-minute projects and everything, but I promise I'll do it over Christmas break. I know, I'm horrible typos. I even read through this twice and still didn't catch everything. I have a problem with rushing and advaerbs too, I know. I'm trying to fix it though, anbd these points really help.

Rosey, I can't tell if you're warning about things I'll need to explain as the book progresses, or telling me everything I need to explain in this chapter. I read a lot of mystery books though, and I don't think I've ever read one where all those questions are answered in the first chapter. I promise you the readers will find out everything, but if you knew in the first chapter there really wouldn't be much point in finishing the book. I don't mean to sound like I don't agree with what you're saying, like I said I just couldn't tell and wanted to make that point just in case.

:D
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Who is something to work on in the first chapter. Make it very clear who your main character is. It took me until about a third of the way through to place the label of MC on any character.

What is another thing to work on in chapter 1. Things are going very, very fast, and old ideas are dropped for new ones and never revisited. Stick to one main idea for awhile (a good one here would be the party), how it ties in with your MC, and then mix a new idea in once the first idea has been nicely explained (Maybe start with the tension with Brad and Brian, and show it with something about the party). I don't think the ghost is needed so strongly right at the end of chapter 1. It drops the party idea, which we spent four and a half pages on, and introduces a new one without much foreshadowing.

Where is for chapter 1 again. We don't know where Brad fits in with his friends, his class in scocity, or anywhere else.

Why you can hold off on for explanation later in the book. But some of them, like Why doesn't Christian get any pain from hitting the freshman on the back with a cast and Why in the world would parents leave their fifteen/sixteen year old kid alone for over a month should be answered as soon as possible. Preferably as close to what caused the question to be posed in the first place. Like for Christian to explain how he sweet-talked the babysitter into staying away or something.

How could also be explained a little later, but right now the How element is all in long checks of telling. Slow it down and change it to showing.

The two paragraphs about the characters and the amount of telling are things to work on in chapter 1. Usually you can give the same information, in the same space, with minimal (or zero) info dumps and a lot more dialogue/character thoughts.

The final questions (in the last paragraph) are things that'll help you get a nice clear plot going. The reason I gave you those was because this plot is rather devided between the ghost and Brad's normal life.

Hope that clears things up.
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Okay yes that helps a lot. Thanks. You're a lot of help.

And I guess I've been reading too much Fear Street lately; in those books the poor kids that live on Fear Street go to Shadyside High with all the rich kids in the VIctorian mansions. And I go to school on an army base, we're as mixed up there as it's possible to get. I didn't realize it was abnormal to civvies for rich kids and poorer kids to go to the same school.
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Yeah, usually it's by district. So one class of homes is in one, another class of homes is in another district, and so on. Or the rich kids go to a private school. Maybe this district is different (say, there aren't a lot of kids so the district encompasses several classes of homes), but you have to show us that.
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Okay, I'll do that. Thanks. :)
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Anyone else? Please people I need feedback!
Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency.



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