Removed.

Removed.

Let me start by telling a story:

Many people will tell you that starting off with something like this is really unprofessional and child-like, and I have to say that I am one of them. However, if you feel you absolutely have to have it, then power to you.

I work part time in a small Blockbusters, in a small town, in a world that is quickly losing interest in renting movies from Blockbusters. And as anyone who works in a small shop can tell you, you come to recognise some of the more regular customers. This seems to be doubly so for a small Blockbusters. There is increasingly fewer people willing to pay the prices that Blockbusters demand for their rentals, and so I have come to recognise a significant and growing portion of the few individuals who are still willing to have their wallets raped.

Blockbusters is just one of those words that when you overuse it that many times so close together, it makes the reader say, "Okay, we get it; you work at Blockbusters." I suggest rephrasing so you do not use it too many times.

This is normally not a problem. Unfortunately, some of these customers also stumble across the delusion that they know me, and I them. This can become a problem, as I do not know them, they do not know me, and I have no interest in us getting to know one another. [2]

Issue, bother, difficulty, complication, etc. Lol, I wouldn't worry much about it, but unfortunately I nitpick about using synonyms when possible (although I always overuse words myself).

The customer is question was a young,

"is" should be "in"

and if any positions come up I’m sure the manager will take you into consideration.’

Comma after "up"

I went through the usual formalities:
...
I nodded to her, and went through the usual formalities:

I would say it the second time in a different way. It made me think I was rereading part of it by accident for a second there.

She gave me her name and her address and her postcode, and she gave me her money and I told her when the movie was due back, and all was well in my eyes.

Way too many and's. Also - although it is grammatically correct - I would avoid combining more than two sentences using the same comma-conjunction method both times. I suggest, "She gave me her name, address, postcode, and money; I told her when the movie was due back. All was well in my eyes."

I did not see her return the movie the next day, as I had that day off.

Nothing wrong here; I just wanted to say that I am glad you used "I did not" instead of "I didn't". Seems weird to state it, I know, but after reading many stories that are abounded in contractions.

The dialogue I’ve given here is not what we actually said, for I cannot remember what we actually said. What I have given here is just an approximation. [4]

You use "we actually said" and "I've given here" twice each time. Reword it so there is less repetition.

Us diligent few that fill the weekly rota, we all want more hours, as more hours equals more money, and more money means more stuff we don’t get to enjoy because we’re so busy working.

"Us" should be "We" since it is acting as the subject of the sentence.

I don’t like People; People are bastards.

Why do you capitalise "People" here? Are you using it as the proper name for all of society? That's what I took it as; just wondering, lol.

-----

I hope my nitpicks did not seem too harsh. I did thoroughly enjoy this part of the story; it was highly entertaining. Just work on your repetition is all that I can say. Everything else is perfect. One final question, though. Why are you required to use footnotes?

If you post the rest of this, I look forward to reading it!

Thanks for the reivew. =)

Don't worry about being too harsh, this is exactly the sort of thing I'm after. I've only got a couple of days to write this in, and it's hard to get the distance to be objective enough to spot problems in so short a time. Your pair of eyes have helped a lot. ^_^

Well, as most of the nitpicking has already been done, I'll keep this brief and general.

I found the character hard to engage with. This has to do, in part, with the style in which its been written. It's very clinical. The sentences are bare and short, there's a lot of 'I do not know' 'I did not think' - a sort of formality of tone that seems odd, really, given the occupation of the protagonist.

Quite aside from the fact that he's dull - despite the wry/witty observations that mostly come from the footnotes and as such, you should be aware, feel removed from the actual story and character - I think, also the dry, I've-seen-it-all-cynical character has been done before on numerous occasions and I'm wondering what makes this one stand out? It almost feels, initially at least, as though that dull-as-a-post, dead-to-the-world employee is implied rather than shown in any great detail.

Bah, useless ramblings on the most. I'd be more helpful if I could see the entire thing. In any case, I still enjoyed the footnotes and some of the observations were amusing. Whore are cool.

Cheers,
Jiggy

^^

There is increasingly fewer people

Should that be 'are'?

and vibrant eyes that had not the dull glaze of a drug user.

So, basically, she's not a druggie...? It seems a bit pointless to me, to have that stuck in. So, ye, what's the point? =P If it references something later on, I don't know that, so, as a reader, these things annoy me.

‘short chat’ is not the right phrase. It sounds far too informal for my liking. It was more of a short exchange of sentences.

Get rid of 'short' in 'short chat'. Why? Let's be picky:
1) Does it matter whether the chat was short? Surely, there's more of a contrast if you go from chat to short exchange of sentences.
2) Repetition is annoying.

The third day, [comma] she came in

Without the comma, it seems to me as if the sentence is incomplete. Either that, or change:

her customary smile tagging along with her.

To: "her customary smile tagged along with her."

That's it for nitpicks, I've noticed.

So ye, I back up Jiggity when he said about it being difficult to communicate with the character. But then again, is that so much of a draw back? You're probably wondering why I'm here, considering I'm just giving you more questions. Allow me to elaborate:

--The guy's boring, but it's one of his strengths. Why? Well, the tone is intentionally dull, yes? But that is makes more humorous, and thus, I like it.

I would rearrange this section a little bit. I mean, at the start I had no idea what was to come, but I barely cared. It was just... a guy working in Blockbusters. You made it fun in a strangely odd sort of way, and the ending made me laugh, but, if I don't know that that's about to come, why would I read on? Consider:

--This part:

It is a sad thing, I suppose, that the only thing that makes her at all memorable is the theory that she was, in truth, a whore. [5]

Stick it at the start. It might mean having to rearrange a few sections or change the footnote, but as it stands, you might as well have it away from to end to grip the reader. It still keeps the kind of robotic and dull character, but makes it funny, too. It's a short story with no chapters, so is it not a little undue? I think it would be a good way to start it with:

"It is a sad thing, I suppose, that the only time that makes a customer at all memorable is the theory that she is, in truth, a whore."

If you disagree, fine. Just my thoughts.

Best,
Me.

That was a pretty interesting first chapter. It was very dynamic, even though you were just introducing the two central characters (Hell, I'm just assuming that they are). It's very personable, I find, and I noticed that you didn't give either of the characters names. That must mean they're important! I think I'll check out the rest of this story. Something about it comunicates to me on a deeper level.

Thank's y'all for your comments. =)

Regarding the character: yeah, I can see what you both mean about the narrator's personality. But I'm thinking, at this point, I don't really have enough time to go back and change something as big as that, so I'm just gonna have to run with it and see where else I can take it. I've only got tomorrow and Wednesday to write the rest of the story, as I didn't have time to do much today.


EDIT: I've just realised that my writing style in this short story is inspired by Ishmael's narration in Moby Dick.

*shoots self*