Nameless as of yet...

Hmm... I don't know if this is the right category to put this in but I'm sure you'll let me know if it isn't...

I tried a new approach with this story as my others aren't going well. Normally I plan everything out - characters, geography, history, everything! - whereas with this one i just sat down and started writing. I don't even know the background of the characters properly... I'm just working it out as i go along...

Funny thing is, this is the first story that I've been almost happy about posting...

“Take cover!”
A flurry of arrows flew over the man’s head as he dived behind a nearby rock. Pressing his back closer to the cold stone, he tightened his grip on the sword he held in his right hand. With his left, he pulled the hood of his cloak further over his head. He glanced over at a slim figure crouched down by the remains of a charred tree.
“Thanks, General. Not the first time, eh?”
“Just keep an eye out. They won’t wait for you.” A woman’s voice responded curtly.
He nodded; a slight smile escaped his lips.
“Right. Course of action?”
It was now her time to smile, though more of a smirk.
“We force them back. The rest of our men should already be round the back. We’ll have them surrounded.”
The effectiveness of her strategy did not surprise him in the least. He had seen it before.
“And so it begins...” he muttered half to himself.
He lifted the ivory horn to his lips, waited for a nod of approval from the general, and blew.

* * * * *

Heads turned at the unusually well-dressed man who walked into the tavern that night. Lace trimming at the end of his perfectly white sleeves, leather boots reaching to his knee; he was truly a sight to behold. Here of all places. Folk did not stare too long. In a place like this, men were more interested in their drink, drowning their sorrows.
He walked to the nearest table and sat, peering at the spillages before him with a disdainful sniff. A piece of silk cloth appeared from within the folds of his jacket, which he used to mop up the brown sticky liquid before allowing himself to rest his arm.
“Anythin’ to drink, sir?” A small curtsey accompanied the question, the serving girl clearly unused to such company.
“Fruit wine, if you have any.”
“Sir, I’m afraid…”
“Ale then.” He interrupted with a wave of his hand, and the girl ran off with an embarrassed look on her face.
He turned his attention instead to a sudden burst of song. Standing upon a crude wooden stage at the back of the room, a dark-haired woman, her singing accompanied by a stringed instrument she held in her arms. She wore a simple skirt and blouse, a brightly coloured shawl wrapped around her waist. Feathers and beads were braided into her hair, which seemed to swing slightly as she sang.
He smiled as the song swept over him, delved into the folds of his jacket and brought out a folded piece of parchment, a quill and a small bottle of ink. He paused for a moment, then started to write. Slanted, curving letters appeared, flowing into each other. Finally the parchment was closed, waiting to be sealed. A drop of wax fell from the candle on his table, and was marked from the ring on his finger.
The song ended, and the woman slung the instrument onto her back. She picked up a small, wooden drum which she arranged under one arm. A chant this time, which the man now noticed was in a foreign language. Equally enchanting, an almost mysterious song which seemed to stir all in the room.
The serving girl returned, and placed two iron tankards on the table. A soft, manicured hand touched her arm.
“The bard. Where is she staying?”
“Why here, sir.” She responded with a nervous smile.
“Take this.” He pushed the parchment into her hands. “It is most important she receives it.”
“Yes sir.” As she left, he knew she would do as she said.
There was no more reason to stay. He waited for the end of the song, then stood slowly and walked out the way he came in, barely a glance behind him.

* * * * *

The sound of the horn resonated through the valley. A moment’s quiet. A moment of confusion from the opposing army close by. And then, one-by-one, the horseback riders appeared on the horizon. Some carrying swords, some with bow and arrow. All wearing a look like thunder.
A dark man riding a black stallion stopped near to the general.
“We attack?” He asked.
“Force them back. Our troops should be waiting on the other side.”
“Ren? Any results?”
The man by the rock looked up, the horn still clasped in his hand.
“They outnumber us, but not by much. We have the advantage from what I can see. Or at least… as long as the troops do their part.”
“Firepower?”
“Archers. Lots of them. A few horses, but mostly foot-soldiers.”
“All I needed to know. General?”
The General mounted her steed and arranged the silver mask that provided defence and showed her position of command. She took up her primary weapon, a silver-bladed spear, and nodded to the scout below her.
Still crouching, Ren took up the horn once more, and sounded the charge.

* * * * *

With the tavern almost empty, the bard packed away her instruments and joined the barkeep and the rest of the staff for a late-evening meal. A large bowl of steaming soup was already laid out for her, complete with a few pieces of bread and a tankard of ale.
“I’m not sure I deserve all of this, sir.” She smiled warmly.
“Now don’t you worry about it.” He replied. “We wouldn’t get half our customers without you here.”
Again she smiled, before picking up a piece of bread and half-submerging it in herb and onion soup. She drank deeply from the bowl, feeling the warmth travel down her throat. She looked up to find one of the serving girls watching her.
“Uh, Mistress Lirenna.” The girl looked down at the floor and produced a piece of parchment, which she held out in front of her.
“This is for me?” A nod was the answer to her question.
Wonderingly, Lirenna turned the parchment over. The wax seal the only clue as to whence it came, but this seemed enough. She stared at it for a moment, but left it closed.
“If you will excuse me…”
“Of course. I’ll have one of the girls bring your meal up for you.”
No thanks were given. The bard was much too concerned about the letter she held, and much too eager to be able to read in private.

* * * * *

Ren shifted his leg slightly, still in his sitting position on the ground. All he had left to do was wait for the results of the fight, then report back to the Commander. Though no fighter, he dared not loosen his grip on the sword he had been given.
The icy wind whipped round his face, almost removing his hood. In the distance he could hear the battle cries and shouts of the fighters, horses’ hooves pounding. It was not going well so far, that much he knew. But once the rest of the troops arrived, then it would change. He pondered over these thoughts for a while, never once relaxing his position. The wind returned, and he wrapped his cloak closer around himself, pulled his hood further over his face.

* * * * *

A young man leaned on the gate to the port, touched his cap when he saw the man walking towards him.
“Evenin’ Sir. Anythin’ I can do for ya?”
“A boat. You have one free?”
“Aye.” He gave a small nod. “Just for tonight, mind. Be setting off tomorrow.”
“How much?”
The lad peered at him through the darkness, looked him up and down. The white lace at the man’s sleeves and the gold chain around his neck were easily seen, even at night.
“Five gold. No less.”
“Two gold coins. And you’ll have no trouble.”
The lad shifted uneasily. “Alrigh’. Two gold.” He pocketed his earnings for the night, already making plans of how to spend it.
“Where are you bound?”
“East to th’ castle, then north to Seaton.” He fingered the heavy coins with one hand. “Be leavin’ tomorrow.” He added, almost as an afterthought.
“I shall be accompanying you. To the castle.”
“We don’ take passengers.”
“Two gold coins. One for myself, one for my companion.”
“Where?” The lad asked, then wished he hadn’t.
The man looked at him for a second, but ignored the question, choosing instead to peer down the line of boats moored at the jetty. The lad gave a start, and opened the gate quickly. Without rushing, the man walked down the jetty. His dark boots sounded with every step, as he followed the lad down to the boat furthest away. Crates and barrels had been loaded onto the deck.
The young lad turned to the taller man. “What were the name?”
“Orpheus. From the Kingdom.”
“Daniel.” He grinned. “From th’ sea.”

This is really good.
I like the scene changes, its got good pacing and flow, and keeps you interested.
Its sort of like a soap opera.

Your dialogue is awesome too, quick and realistic.
I also like how there is definate difference between the members of the army and the peopel in the tavern.
Waiting to see more!

Hey! Thanks for the comments and for replying so quickly!

I'm sorta surprised you like the dialogue 'cause I never thought I was any good at dialogue really...

Do you think the names Ren and Lirenna are too similar? Should I change them or is it alright to keep them the same? I'm not too sure at present and other peoples' opinions would be useful here

It definitely does show that you didn't really know your characters very well as you were writing it. But I'm certain you'll get over that if you write a second draft and you've learned more.

The dialogue is great, although I must refer you to the dialogue grammar topic in Writing Tips, because this is the exact sort of story that prompted it to be posted.

The pace, on the other hand, I didn't like. I thought it was way too quick. But that, I think, will also be remedied once you know your characters and the world a little better.

It keeps you interested. It does go rather quick, but you could add more description of where the characters are...

The names are a bit similar, but they are ok.

Has a lot of potential... After a revision or two it will be excellent.

1st Paragraph

I think you need to describe the setting a bit more here. I didn't get a very clear image of what was going on.

"a slight smile escaped his lips". I don't know if I'm correct but i don't think this makes sense. Maybe I'm wrong...i probably am!

Altogether this paragraph was a little confusing but there is a good use of vocabulary.

2ND Paragraph

This was very good, much better than the first paragraph. It really left me with a sense of mystery and i was eager to read on!

Very good description here, i could very clearly picture the Tavern.

3rd Paragraph

I was again a little confused by who was saying what. I think that maybe you brought too many characters into the story at once, and that you should concentrate a little more on one particular character like you did with the man in the tavern. Very good dialog and I like the fact that the General is female!

4Th Paragraph

"A nod was the answer to her question". Sorry if i sound like a huge know-it-all but would it not have been better to say 'The girl nodded'.

Apart from that, this was a good piece of writing! I really got that sense of mystery again which i love.

5Th Paragraph

Good but not particularly gripping or interesting but at least here you're beginning to concentrate on one particular character. I like the idea of the scene changes but the story about the wealthy man who was in the Tavern is far more interest in in my opinion.

6Th Paragraph

Brilliant! This is a very intriguing paragraph and i really loved the last lines , It had a slight touch of hum our. Your dialog was truly excellent!

Altogether, this is an excellent piece of writing.I probably couldn't write better myself, but like every aspiring writer, you need a little more practice![/u]

Thanks for the comments and akisha, thanks loads that was really constructive criticism! I'll look over those things again!

Your welcome! Looking forward to reading more!

KayJuran wrote:i don't know if this is the right category to put this in

It is the right category.

I like the beginning because I think it's usually good to start out with an action scene. (I like scene in the tavern too, though.) I'm curious as to how you are going to make this world special, though, because so far it reads pretty much the same as a lot of fantasy (swords, bows-and-arrows, war, cloaks, ale, parchment, horseback riding, servants...) But hey, that sells. (Please don't add elves, though. ) And I actually do like it so far. I'd like to read more of it. Like Rincewind, I like the scene changes. You do a good job with them. The names Ren and Lirenna are similar, but I don't think that makes it at all confusing in this case, so I don't think you need to change one.

I agree with Reichieru that you should review dialogue grammar. The post in the "Writing Tips" section would help you a lot, I think. Unlike Reichieru, I like the pace, though.

“Take cover!”
A flurry of arrows flew over the man’s head as he dived behind a nearby <--I don't think you really need the word "nearby" here. "A flurry of arrows flew over the man's head as he dived behind a rock" works just as well. rock. Pressing his back closer to the cold stone, he tightened his grip on the sword he held in his right hand. With his left, he pulled the hood of his cloak further over his head. <--This is a good way of letting us know what he's wearing right off so we can more easily picture the scene. He glanced over at a slim figure crouched down Cut the words "over" and "down"; they're not necessary here, especially "down." "He glanced at a slim figure crouched by the remains of a charred tree" reads more quickly. by the remains of a charred tree.
“Thanks, General. Not the first time, eh?”
“Just keep an eye out. They won’t wait for you.<--This period should be a comma.” A<--This shouldn't be capitalized. woman’s voice responded curtly.
He nodded; a slight smile escaped his lips. Personally I think this would be better as two sentences, but I guess this works. I agree with Akisha, though; a smile escaping lips doesn't really make too much sense to me, but I didn't notice it until I read Akisha's post.
“Right. Course of action?”
It was now her time to smile, though I think you might need to add "it was" here more of a smirk.
“We force them back. The rest of our men should already be round the back. We’ll have them surrounded.”
The effectiveness of her strategy did not surprise him in the least. This could be just, "The effectiveness of her strategy didn't surprise him." He had seen it before.
“And so it begins...” he muttered I think you might need a comma here, but maybe it's optional half to himself.
He lifted the ivory horn to his lips, waited for a nod of approval from the general, and blew.

* * * * *

Heads turned at the unusually well-dressed man who walked into the tavern that night. Lace trimming at the end of his perfectly white sleeves, leather boots reaching to his knee; he was truly a sight to behold. I think this would work better as, "Heads turned at the man who walked into the tavern that night. With lace trimming at the end of his perfectly white sleeves, and leather boots reaching to his knee, he was unusually well-dressed." Here of all places. Folk did not stare too long. In a place like this, men were more interested in their drink, drowning their sorrows. Choose one, either "their drink" or "drowning their sorrows." You don't need both. I prefer "their drink."
He walked to the nearest table and sat, peering at the spillages before him with a disdainful sniff. A piece of silk cloth appeared from within the folds of his jacket, which he used to mop up the brown sticky liquid before allowing himself to rest his arm. He uses the piece of silk cloth, but right now the way this is written it's as though he uses his jacket. I forget what that's called. Misplaced modifier??
“Anythin’ to drink, sir?” A small curtsey accompanied the question, the serving girl clearly unused to such company.
“Fruit wine, if you have any.”
“Sir, I’m afraid…”
“Ale then.” He interrupted with a wave of his hand, and the girl ran off with an embarrassed look on her face. I like this line because I think it shows something about the man's character.
He turned his attention instead to a sudden burst of song. Standing upon Why not just "on"? a crude wooden stage at the back of the room, a dark-haired woman, her singing accompanied by a stringed instrument she held in her arms.<--This isn't actually a complete sentence. She wore a simple skirt and blouse, a brightly coloured shawl wrapped around her waist. Feathers and beads were braided into her hair, which seemed to swing slightly as she sang.
He smiled as the song swept over him, delved into the folds of his jacket and brought out a folded piece of parchment, a quill and a small bottle of ink. He paused for a moment, then started to write. Slanted, curving letters appeared, flowing into each other.<--I'd cut this sentence. Finally the parchment was closed, waiting to be sealed. A drop of wax fell from the candle on his table, and was marked from the ring on his finger.<--These few sentences can be summed up with: "When he finished, he sealed the parchment with a drop of wax from the candle on his table, marking it with the ring on his finger.
The song ended, and the woman slung the instrument onto her back. She picked up a small, wooden drum which she arranged arranged? under one arm. A chant this time, which the man now noticed was in a foreign language. Equally enchanting, an almost mysterious song which seemed to stir all in the room.
The serving girl returned, and placed two iron tankards on the table. A soft, manicured hand touched her arm.
“The bard. Where is she staying?”
“Why here, sir.” She responded with a nervous smile.
“Take this.” He pushed the parchment into her hands. “It is most important she receives it.”
“Yes sir.” As she left, he knew she would do as she said.
There was no more reason to stay. He waited for the end of the song, then stood slowly and walked out the way he came in, barely a glance behind him.

* * * * *

The sound of the horn resonated through the valley. A moment’s quiet. A moment of confusion from the opposing army close by. And then, one-by-one, the horseback riders appeared on the horizon. Some carrying swords, some with bows and arrows. All wearing a look like thunder.
A dark man riding a black stallion stopped near to the general.
“We attack?” He <--This doesn't need to be capitlized. asked.
“Force them back. Our troops should be waiting on the other side.”
“Ren? Any results?”
The man by the rock looked up, the horn still clasped in his hand.
“They outnumber us, but not by much. We have the advantage from what I can see. Or at least… as long as the troops do their part.”
“Firepower?”
“Archers. Lots of them. A few horses, but mostly foot-soldiers.”
“All I needed to know. General?”
The General mounted her steed and arranged the silver mask that provided defence and showed her position of command. She took up her primary weapon, a silver-bladed spear, and nodded to the scout below her.
Still crouching, Ren took up the horn once more, and sounded the charge.

* * * * *

With the tavern almost empty, the bard packed away her instruments and joined the barkeep and the rest of the staff for a late-evening meal. A large bowl of steaming soup was already laid out for her, complete with a few pieces of bread and a tankard of ale.
“I’m not sure I deserve all of this, sir.” She smiled warmly.
“Now don’t you worry about it.<--This should be a comma instead of a period.” He<--This shouldn't be capitalized. replied.Instead of using "replied," I think you should use "said." I've heard it's better to use "said" unless you have a good reason to use something else. We can tell he's replying. “We wouldn’t get half our customers without you here.”
Again she smiled, before picking up a piece of bread and half-submerging it in herb and onion soup. She drank deeply from the bowl, feeling the warmth travel down her throat. She looked up to find one of the serving girls watching her.
“Uh, Mistress Lirenna.” The girl looked down at the floor and produced a piece of parchment, which she held out in front of her.
“This is for me?” A nod was the answer to her question.<--This is awkward. You could just write, "The servant nodded.
Wonderingly, Lirenna turned the parchment over. The wax seal the only clue as to whence it came, but this seemed enough. She stared at it for a moment, but left it closed.
“If you will excuse me…”
“Of course. I’ll have one of the girls bring your meal up for you.”
No thanks were given. The bard was much too concerned about the letter she held, and much too eager to be able to read in private.

* * * * *

Ren shifted his leg slightly, still in his sitting position on the ground. All he had left to do was wait for the results of the fight, then report back to the Commander. Though no fighter, he dared not loosen his grip on the sword he had been given.
The icy wind whipped round his face, almost removing his hood. In the distance he could hear the battle cries and shouts of the fighters, horses’ hooves pounding. It was not going well so far, that much he knew. But once the rest of the troops arrived, then it would change. He pondered over these thoughts for a while, never once relaxing his position. The wind returned, and he wrapped his cloak closer around himself, pulled his hood further over his face.

* * * * *

A young man leaned on the gate to the port, touched his cap when he saw the man walking towards him. This should be "A young man leaned on the gate to the port and touched his cap when he saw the man walking towards him.
“Evenin’ Insert a comma here. Sir. Anythin’ I can do for ya?”
“A boat. You have one free?”
“Aye.” He gave a small nod. “Just for tonight, mind. Be setting off tomorrow.”
“How much?”
The lad peered at him through the darkness, looked him up and down. The white lace at the man’s sleeves and the gold chain around his neck were easily seen, even at night.
“Five gold. No less.”
“Two gold coins. And you’ll have no trouble.”
The lad shifted uneasily. “Alrigh’. Two gold.” He pocketed his earnings for the night, already making plans of how to spend it.
“Where are you bound?”
“East to th’ castle, then north to Seaton.” He fingered the heavy coins with one hand. “Be leavin’ tomorrow.<--This should be a comma instead of a period.” HeThis doesn't need to be capitalized. added, almost as an afterthought.
“I shall be accompanying you. To the castle.”
“We don’ take passengers.”
“Two gold coins. One for myself, one for my companion.”
“Where?” The<--This doesn't need to be capitalized. lad asked, then wished he hadn’t.
The man looked at him for a second, but ignored the question, choosing instead to peer down the line of boats moored at the jetty. The lad gave a start, and opened the gate quickly. Without rushing, the man walked down the jetty. His dark boots sounded with every step, as he followed the lad down to the boat furthest away. Crates and barrels had been loaded onto the deck.
The young lad turned to the taller man. “What were the name?”
“Orpheus. From the Kingdom.”
“Daniel.” He grinned. “From th’ sea.”

Whoa, thanks for that! I need to print all this!

Looks like I'll have some more stuff soon!

Some of you will be pleased to know I now have a general plot to it. I'll post what I've written sometime after the weekend when I can get on the Internet again...

It seems all the words I wished to utter were stole from my lips! But I will repeat them, this piece is quite good, and shows how with a pencil, paper, and our imaginations, we can generate such things! I am in support of free-writing as a tool for pre-drafting as often as I can, and also encourage just writing without any or mere thoughts on a subject! Well done, and despite the improper (sounds a twigden too harsh sorry...) use of dialogue, it was excellent, mind you the dialogue did not bother me much. The pace of switching between the two scenarios, was a little quick, and yet it seems like they are connected or will be, and if not then would such a thing be ruined. So if eventually the two scenarios are merged, it would work, rather than the whole, if not most, of the story is told in this way.