His Words and Actions

His words were mesmerizing,
his actions were deceiving.
Cheating.
Lying.
Ignoring.
Forgetting.
Late.
Never early.
Dis-liking.
Arguing.
The farthest thing from perfection,
but the closest thing to splitting.
I loved him and his words.
Not his actions.

I think, at the core of this, you have a good idea; to explore the dichotomy between thought and action, word and deed but the execution is poor.

This is meant to be poetic, you realise? It's not simply about venting your feelings in a poorly thought out, list of deficiencies. It's about taking a concept or feeling and building around it a house of imagery and startling thought. You should aim for a reaction; be it laughter, thoughtfulness, compassion or whatever and once your sure of it, the problems in the writing should become clear and you will be able to refashion this into something that will evoke a response.

Right now, I'm getting nothing.

Cheers

Hey there! First of all welcome to YWS!
Okay, so on to the review:
I agree with Jiggity

Late.
Never early.

This is very poor, since if he's late, we know he's never early.

Dis-liking is spelled this way: disliking.
I think you mean arguing?

The farthest thing from perfect,

Change perfect to perfection.

Closest.

These are some things you could change to help improve your poem, but it needs much more work.
keep writing!

Thank you for your tips!

Behind Scene Walls wrote:(First of all welcome to YWS! I like this poem a lot! Very nice! It's a very good base for a poem, but it also has the potential for you to elaborate on it. A few corrections:)



His words were mesmerizing,
his actions were decieving. (should be "deceiving"; the E comes before the I)
Cheating.
Lying.
Ignoring.
Forgetting.
Late.
Never early.
Dis-liking.
Aruguing. (Should be "Arguing")
The farthest thing from perfect,
but the clsest thing to splitting. (clsest should be "closest")
I loved him and his words.
Not his actions.

(Also, your last line "Not his actions" is kind of just written. With poetry, it's nice to try and write things intricately to try and add some originality to the poem. Try reconstructing this sentence and see what comes of it .)

Good poem! Great job! Keep it up and welcome aboard


June

Thanks June

i wish my first poem was this good.

so for a first poem this is really great it shows pure undilted emotion but it lacks the eloqience of experience which isnt nessicarily a bad thing. the only though i have is to try and make it a little less straight foward and get the person to think a little thats really all i can nit pick i wont touch grammar we dont get along.