----Rated R for language, sexual content, and drug abuse--------
Have you ever seen a puppet cry? Its gotta be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. There's so much despair in the tears of a Muppet, and through the muffled sobs and scrunched up face, you can sense a kindred soul just waiting to truly express itself.
But who can express one’s true self when they’ve got a stranger’s hand up their ass?
Nobody that’s who!
Every Muppet before signing to do any show or movie knows that they will be horribly violated and forced to say things against their free-will. Believe me, it’s in the Muppet Code. So with all of these long takes over the course of hundreds of shows, it must be expected that the Muppets got to act on their own freewill at some point. Right?
That assumption would be correct, though it was also written into the Muppet Code, that any Muppets acting on their own free will must be sure that no human outside of Jim Henson Productions can see them as they do so.
I am the Lighting Plot Manager on the Muppet Show, so I count as staff, and boy let me tell you, those Muppets are a sick bunch of weirdos.
If they could, anyone who has met the Muppets would tell you the strangest times of their lives have been with one of those hilarious little creatures. I’m no acception. As a matter of fact the very first time I met a Muppet, it was Gonzo and he was running around backstage like a monkey screaming obscenities at people. He came up to me and told me to “Bite his knob”, and then pushed me and ran off with my wallet. I was frozen in astonishment until the Stage Director told me he was on six pills of Riddlin. Everyone else acted like it was normal so I did too. After all it was some privilege working with Jim Henson and the Muppets.
Two weeks ago I got fired from Jim Henson Productions for pooping on Miss Piggy’s dressing-room doorstep with Animal, but I think it was because Disney bought us out and didn’t have room for small fish like myself. Either way I don’t give a damn about keeping these secrets.
On that note, here is a little story about the very first time I partied with the Muppets.
It was on Christmas Eve, at around six in the morning when I got my invitation to the Staff Christmas party. Funniest thing, a goat on roller-skates delivered it to me, and he was pretty good, I must admit. I looked over the invitation; I didn’t need to refer to it much since I had known about the party for some time. Most employees wouldn’t go to the Staff parties, but they would never say why. They would just say, “You’ll see for yourself.” So I was a little skeptical. But honestly, who wouldn’t be? You already know what my first impression of them was, and I was yet to meet a presentably sane one. But hey, it was Christmas and I was new in town so I went and I’ll tell you this now, I don’t regret a thing.
I brought my own booze ‘cause the invitation said so. I treated myself to some Sauza Trois Generationes, white tequila, fitting for a Christmas party I found. I always incorporate white with Christmas so it only seemed natural that I get a drink to match. I dressed casually, the invitation also urged that. Just some jeans and a shirt with Kermit the Frog on it that I got free when I was hired.
Now to clear things up I had only actually met Gonzo (sort of), Animal (who i met the first day as well), and Fozzie before the party. So, I walk into the office and none other than Miss Piggy immediately greets me.
“Why hello, handsome! Come on in, everyone else is already here!” Miss Piggy grabbed my hand and forcefully led me out of the office and onto the elevator. The door closed behind us and she pressed 14. The top.
“So, what’s your name baby?” Miss Piggy leaned up against the wall opposite me, arching her back and loosening her blouse around the neck. Her hair was down and flowed quite smoothly over her shoulders.
I told her my name and she looked at me in a come-hither fashion.
“You wanna fuck?” She said. Without taking her eyes off of mine, she leaned forward and grabbed me through my pants.
Now let’s pause here for a second... I know what your thinkin’. “He’s not really gonna do Miss Piggy is he? That perverted creep!” But listen to me buddy; you don’t know what it’s like to be in the situation. So keep your judgmental opinions to yourself. Muppets are people too.
Miss Piggy and I got off the elevator with 203 less calories than when we had walked on. She led me down another hallway that I have never been in and finally to the door of, what I assumed was the Head board room.
“Merry Christmas, baby face.” Miss Piggy said as she opened the door and led me into the party.
The scene was actually quite different than I had expected. Rowlf and The Electric Mayhem played soothing acid rock while the rest of the Muppets sat around the board table with Jim Henson, Jerry Juhl, Frank Oz, and Richard Hunt. At first I felt out of place because no other stage crew were at the party, but the hosts quickly made me comfortable.
“And who do we have here?” Jim (everyone called him Henson) stood up and greeted me at the door. Miss Piggy took her leave from my side and sat back down beside Kermit, and kissed him passionately.
I told Henson my name and he shook my hand, he really was a nice man. But as I was shaking his hand, I couldn’t help but notice Kermit glaring at me, I felt that if looks could kill, he’d watch me die.
Henson told me to sit wherever and I looked around the table and my eyes met with Gonzo. He was looking at me from the head of the table to the right of me. He motioned me over and I responded with a nod. On my way over to Gonzo, Fozzie the Bear vomited on my left shoe.
“Oh god, man, I’m so sorry. Seriously, what’s your name, I’ll send you a new shoe, like, real soon man!” Fozzie scared me to be honest, one of his eyes was half closed and he swayed and pointed as he talked. I told him not to worry about getting me a shoe and he insisted on wiping i off for me. After he wiped my shoe off, he told me to sit near him and he would pour me a drink. I looked over to Gonzo who had already forgotten about me and was cutting up a line of cocaine with Beaker; you know the freaky lab assistant with a limited vocabulary? Well now you know why he’s so fucked up.
“So you’re in lighting eh? How do my jokes sound from up on those rafters man?” He swayed and poured some whiskey into a glass. I answered him. “No rafters? The hell do you get the lights up there then?” Fozzie mixed some Cola in with my whiskey, gave me my glass. He motioned for a toast. “I want to make a toast to....” He stopped, “To....” Fozzie stopped again, and this time his eyes bulged and he held his stomach. I foresaw what was going to happen and spun him around so he puked into the office plant instead of all over the table and his peers. While Fozzie cringed and purged over the ficas, I got up, drink in hand, and carried on my way to Gonzo’s seat.
“Hey! Lights!” (The Muppets I had already met had given me the nickname Lights) Gonzo pushed Beaker out of his seat and he landed on the floor with a thud. “Sit down, Lights, you want some candy?” Gonzo pointed to pile of white dust on the table in front of him. I told him I would rather not and he called me a pussy, but he didn’t dislike me for it. Gonzo finished another line and rubbed some of the powder on his gums and around the curve of his odd shaped nose.
“I know what your thinkin!” Gonzo suddenly turned to me, wide-eyed and full of energy. “But this isn’t my nose man!” I didn’t understand. “It’s my upper lip man! Isn’t that whack? What a fucked-up upper lip huh man? I mean really, who else has an upper lip as crazy as this!? I’ll tell ya who! No one jerk wad! You know why? I’ll tell ya why! ‘Cause I'm one of a god-damned-kind!”
I laughed hysterically at this, Gonzo was by far the coolest Muppet I had met yet.
“I like you, Lights.” Gonzo put his arm around me and as he did that little rat guy Wizzo from all the Muppet movies pokes his head onto the table and eats the rest of Gonzo’s cocaine. “You little shit!” The mouse scurried across the table and Gonzo jumped up on the table and ran after it. He got about halfway down the table when Frank Oz (a puppeteer), tackled him by his legs and yanked him off the table.
It was then that I saw Kermit again. He was staring at me blankly, shaking his head slowly and subtly. I averted my gaze and settled into Gonzo’s old seat at the head of the table. I downed my Whiskey and Coke and took my tequila out of my coat pocket. That was when I first heard Statler and Waldorf.
“Do you smell what I smell?” Statler said to his elderly companion.
“I do, but save me the embarrassment, I wear Depends for a reason!” Waldorf’s face lit up and the two chortled together heartily.
Just then Statler’s eye caught mine. “Look at this Waldorf, fresh meat!” The two got up from their seats and came towards me.
“If he’s so fresh than why does he stink so bad?” Waldorf asked, and Statler answered.
“We already went over this! It’s your ass that smells!” The two laughed again, even though the joke was far from funny.
I introduced myself to the old men and asked them to join me in a shot of tequila. They were much obliged and after the shot waddled contently back to their seats.
“You fat slut!” All of a sudden a loud yell came from Kermit’s mouth. “Why would you just go screw some other guy?!”
“Kermie, please your makin a scene.” Miss Piggy tried to calm down an enraged Kermit.
“Makin a scene? Makin a scene?!” Kermit grabbed Miss Piggy by the hair. I stood up and yelled at him to let her go. As soon as I did Kermit cocked his head towards me and burned a dreadful gaze into my eyes.
“This guy, everyone get a good look at this guy,” Kermit started walking across the table towards me. “Buddy over here thinks he can just come here and pork my girl (no pun intended) on the way to the party and get away scott free.”
Some people giggled at Kermit’s pun but soon the room was silent because Kermit pulled out a butterfly knife.
“Well guess what fucko, I’m gonna cut you open right here!” At this, Kermit ran at me and leaped at my neck with his blade drawn. I quickly dodged to the side and he fell straight to the floor, and landed on his face. Before he could get up Gonzo and Henson had grabbed his knife and held him up. Gonzo began to speak.
“Kermit, you gotta cut the guy some slack!” Kermit struggled to get out of their grasp but Henson alone could hold onto Kermit’s frail arms no sweat. “Think about it man, how many people here do you think haven’t screwed Miss Piggy?”
Kermit spit in Gonzo’s face. Gonzo turned around and faced he rest of the room. “How many people here have had sex with Miss Piggy? Be honest.”
Slowly every arm in the room went up including the puppeteers and Wizzo’s. The only hand that didn’t go up was Henson’s.
“See man? She’s just a big slut, always has been, always will be. Besides what are you worried about? You star along side Sharon Stone in our next flick.” Gonzo patted Kermit on the back and nodded encouragingly to him.
“ I guess you’re right, Gonz. Sorry, what’s your name again?” I told Kermit to call me lights and he did.
I then offered him a shot of Tequila and we ended up drinking and entire 26er in fifteen minutes. By the end of the bottle we were singing show tunes and the rest of the Muppets were joining in. Pretty soon people lit up joints and passed around tablets of ecstasy. I passed on the chemicals, but took a long hard drag of a doobie and passed it on to Kermit who was now sitting to the right of me.
“Thanks, lights.” I told Kermit not to thank me, and to thank Rowlf and the rest of the band, and he did.
The rest of the night was something of a blur to me, I remember jamming with animal and Gonzo, and we played smoke on the water for everyone. I can vaguely remember finding Fozzie lying in a pool of his own vomit on top of all the presents that had been set out for people when they leave.
I got a rubber chicken, go figure.
