Because - Chap. 21

DELETED

Hey KJ!

This just keeps getting better and better. And, I know I say this a lot, but I love Vick Dawson! He's so real and different from the male species that I encounter in school. I only wish that for once, guys could be fictional characters.

On to the critique. This was flawless and it kinda was a breather after the last couple of chapters because they were pretty intense. I like how you tell us about Vick's friends and give more insight into their relationship and how it's going.

Favorite line:

He tousled his hair in that way that I was becoming used to, and, grinning, toyed with his lip ring. “Nah” was his answer. “I want to have a future, you know? And besides, I got you now.”

Vick is so cute!

Becca is turning out to be one of those characters that you can't help but want to know more about. I mean, you make her so believable and she's not all perfect and glittery and over the top, so good job.

The only thing I didn't like, was that it ended abruptly.

Vick didn't mention the past again.

Maybe you can have them laugh or look at each other or something:

“He’d kick your ass if he heard you saying that.”
“Nah. We both know I can outrun him.”
Vick didn't mention the past again.

Here's my version:

“He’d kick your ass if he heard you saying that.”
“Nah. We both know I can outrun him.”
We both looked at each other, and then I felt my lips pulling up at the corners. Vick chuckled softly and then he went on talking about other stuff that was happening in the band.

Vick didn't mention the past again.

You see?

All in all, lovely job dear.

Till next time,

~Angel

KJ-
FABULOUS! Okay this was the next best thing, but I'll still be waiting for Violet. As long as you remeber to try and work on it I'd appreciate that. I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors. There was a typo here and there but overall I loved it and thought you did a wonderful job as usual. I can't wait to find out what happened to Vick. VICK DAWSON- Oh, how I now love that name. He's so charming. Can't wait for more!

-Moony

All right, what do you expect me to say? It was good, but I expected that from you. You have a way with the words that you write and every time I read this story, I can always picture whats going on. I hope that in the next few chapters we can find out what happened to Vick in the past. PM me when you write more. :LOL: Good luck.

~Nikki

Hey there, KJ!

This is yet another brilliant addition to your story! I agree with the others, it was nice to have a chance to get comfortable in our chairs again after sitting on the edge of our seats for the past while.

I also liked learning more about the garage band. Everything you said made their characters more and more realistic and likeable, even if Becca doesn't completely like them.

Sometimes Vick said things that I wanted to write down, that my fingers itched to form into words with a pencil.
I love people like that! And I love that you've put it in writing, because it's so true!

“I guess” was all I said.
You might want a comma in there before "

More than was healthy, I knew. More than I should have been. More than was normal.
I don't think they're exactly complete sentences, but writers have been known to get away with breaking the rules every once and awhile. I think they fit fine, but I figured I'd tell you about them just in case.

Vick was eating a bag of gummy bears. It was one of his quirks, his lunch changing from day to day. One day it was something as healthy as a bag of carrots, while the next he presented a Twinkie and a bottle of pop—Dr. Pepper was his favorite.
I'm really enjoying seeing Becca get to know Vick. I love his little quirks, and she probably does too.

Thanks for another great read! You're the best!
--Anna

YAY, 21st chapter! However, as with every brilliant story, I scoured it demonically for errors.

It was obvious how he felt about her… to everyone but her.

Put emphasis on the 'but' for the meaning of your sentences to come out.

...that was all I got. I'm telling you. Everything else I found was simply the way I read stories in my head (I'm currently used to Charlie Higson's writing, so my brain reads sentences the way he intends them to sound... even if I'm not reading his books). You passed the perfectionist test with 100%. Incredible.

*applauds you*

Vick didn't mention the past again.

GASP - is Vicky-poo gettin' a lil' crush on her? *grins*

I second Anna's review, and openly disagree with Angel of Death's. Leave the ending as it is... it'll be ruined if you change it. The pace is perfect, and as it's much calmer than your other chapters, adding any more will be too much.

The calm before the storm, eh? *raises eyebrow* But anyway. Thanks for PMailing me, I would've completely forgotten to check up on it otherwise! I'm such a scatter-brain, eh?

Ja -! ^_^

*KJ~

You know, I am really happy for Becca. Knowing that she is having a life and enjoying it sometimes. Also, the funny moments when she's with the nameless band, I had a positive feeling about it.

Doesn't everyone like finger quotes? Haha. I do, too.

I wonder if Becca is ever going to tell Vick about her past. Or maybe she rather keep it all to her and not tell him. But, it will gradually build up and she'll have to tell someone.

Oh, and I don't like the word shrink or even psych ward. Just doesn't click with me.

Anywho, amazing as always! And I'll try to get to 22.

*Merry

I like this chapter because it shows what kind of relationship Becca and Vick have. And it hints at something more to come.