It's ultra voilet rays pierced the clouds
It's ultra voilet rays pierced the clouds and flattened them as a punctured tire that had wobbled over loose gravel, and raced down with gravity towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the centre of the Earth. Laughing
Jessica Facey wrote:
(Hey there! Welcome to YWS! We have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post, you should have completed two reviews. Please try to review two things as soon as possible to make up for this. Other than that, welcome aboard!
My corrections to your piece are in bolded parentheses.)
The sun indited its anthem on the clouds banner as it marched across the sky in all its yellowing glory. It's ultra voilet (ultraviolet is one word; the i coming before the o) rays pierced the clouds and flattened them as a punctured tire that had wobbled over loose gravel, and raced down with gravity towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the centre (center)of the Earth.
(Those were your only spelling mistakes; however, the way it was worded bothered me slightly. I rewrote it for you.)
The sun indited its anthem on the banner of clouds as it marched across the sky in its yellow glory. Its ultraviolet rays pierced the clouds, flattened them like a punctured tire, and raced down towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the center of the Earth.
(So, all I did here is, I reworded the first sentence. It was a bit hard to read that way. It felt like it was missing something; reworded like that is slightly easier to read. "It's ultra voilet" should be "Its ultraviolet", so I fixed that. "It's" is the contraction for "it is"; Its means that it belongs to. So I fixed that up for you. I took out a bit of description about the flat-tire imagery. It wasn't entirely all necessary to have the gravel part in. It could work, but without it, it keeps the reader focused on the story and not wafting away into how the tire actually flattens over the gravel, haha. Centre is the British spelling of center... so I changed it to center, which is more commonly used. Over all, it was good. I liked the imagery and I want to read more to find out what the story is about! Please PM Me when you have more!)
Welcome aboard!
June
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
