The Crystal Chronicles: Sapphire

Chapter 2- Bad News



The next day was exactly the same as the previous day. Tyler caught up with us before school and tried again to try and coax me into telling him why I would never dance again. I ignored him and let Jess to try and get him to go away. First period, was PE, which thank god, he wasn’t in our class. Jess and I had a huge talk instead of playing football (the worst game ever in my opinion). Jess was convinced that he liked me, but I was sure he was just curious as to why I had quit dancing. Second period was English; which to my least favourite surprise, he joined me at the back tables and began pestering me again and again about why I quit dancing and why I didn’t join again.
For the rest of the day, I just ignored him, waiting for the end of the day bell to ring so I could escape all his questions. I ran from the classroom as it did and began to walk home. I quite enjoy walking home. It’s peaceful, especially walking through the forest.

I live in a small town called Mayfield, in New Zealand. Mayfield is a very peaceful town. Everyone knows each other and we mostly get along quite well. I live out of the town, so I always walk home. The way I walk home is a shortcut. Instead of following the roads, I jump the fence at the back of the school and go through the field until I come to a forest. It’s not a very big forest, and it isn’t scary at all. Well, I don’t think so anyway. My house is on the outskirts of the forest. In a way, we own the forest, but everyone knows its actually the council’s land.

It only takes me about half an hour to normally get home, but today I had to stop.
“Sofie! Sofie, wait up!” The voice was calling from the edge of the forest. I stopped and turned around, waiting for Tyler to catch up with me.
“What? Are you stalking me now?” I asked.
“No, I live down the road from you,” Tyler said. I rolled my eyes and tensed my jaw angrily.
“So, um... how long had you been dancing for? You know, before you quit?” Tyler asked.
“Since I was three. So if you were smart, you would be able to figure out how many years,” I said. I’m not sure if Tyler was actually trying to count the years, but there was an awfully long silence.
“Do you do anything else now that you don’t dance?” he asked. I shook my head silently and kept trodding on the green grass.
“Biology is pretty boring, huh?” he said.
“I wouldn’t think it would be for you. You’ve always got Monica and them to talk to. I’m sure they would love for you to sit with them,” I said stiffly. We were coming up to my house. I could see it through the mossy trees. Once we finally reached it, we both stopped.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tyler said. I nodded my head and then turned and began climbing the steps to go inside. I dumped my bag on the ground in the lounge, got a drink and some biscuits and then went to my room. No one else was home. No one else is ever home when I got home so I went on the computer.

My Mum and Dad arrived home at around six-thirty. Mum immediately began to cook us tea while Dad rested on the couch. I joined him. Mum and Dad aren’t my real Mum and Dad. They adopted me from an orphanage in Christchurch. But I love them like my real Mum and Dad.
I’m not sure if my real parents are dead, but I’m certain that I’m never going to get to see them. The story my parents told me was that my biological parents gave me to the orphanage as soon as I was born. That’s all I ever know about it. My parents adopted me when I was two years old and when I was three I started dancing. I don’t remember much about my past. It’s never really occurred to me that something strange and mysterious might be lurking in it. But I never really mind. I understand everything in my life...

Except for one thing. A small C-shaped scar on my right wrist. It’s been there all my life, but I can’t remember how I got it. Whenever I ask Mum and Dad, they always say I fell over and cut my wrist and I had to get stiches. But I don’t believe them. Not because it doesn’t seem real enough. But because I have the same scar on my neck, except bigger. It’s the reason I always wear my hair down. To cover up the scar on my wrist, I wear long sleeved shirts in the winter, or in summer, a watch or wristband to cover it up.

The scars aren’t ordinary scars either. They are the reason that I quit dancing. Well, no. They aren’t the full reason. You see, when I went to worlds, I pulled out of the finals for a different reason than that I had chickened out. It was because of something that happened before it. Something abnormal. Only one person in the whole wide world, apart from me knows what it was, and that is Jess. She has sworn on her life that she will never tell another soul. And she hasn’t. The scars have a lot to do with what happened because when “IT” happened, they lit up brightly and began to burn like they were on fire. I’ve never felt any more excruciating pain that the pain of my wrist and neck searing on that day.
“How was school today, darling?” Mum asked.
“The usual... boring,” I said. Dad smiled.
“There are some new people moving in down the road. It looks like they’ve got a son about your age. Do you know him?” Mum asked. I knew they were talking about Tyler. I didn’t know if I should tell them though.
“Yeah. He’s in my classes. He sits next to me,” I said.
“Is he nice? His parents seem kind,” Dad said. Obviously, they had met them earlier today. I knew my parents would meet them and if they liked them, they would invite them over for dinner some time. And that meant that Tyler would have to come too. Great.
“We really must invite them over some time, Paul,” Mum said. Paul is my dad’s name. He looks nothing like me. He has ginger hair that is starting to fall out so now he has a bald spot on the top of his head. His face is unshaven, a thick orange beard growing on it. He has a long, crooked nose and a thin mouth. His teeth are crooked and yellow from smoking. My mum’s name is Emma. Emma Thomasson. She has light brown, shoulder length, wavy hair and dark eyes. When I look into them, I see her kindness and war, loving heart.
“So, how is Jess?” Dad asked. They knew Jess very well. She comes over so frequently that they know her almost as well as I do.
“Good,” I replied as I reached for my glass.

I woke the next morning wishing it was a Saturday. Unfortunately, it was only a Wednesday. Wednesday was the worst day of the week for me. I had all the boringest subjects- Biology, Maths, English and Information Technology. Except, I had a feeling that today was going to be more eventful than it would usually be.

I got up and got dressed into my school uniform which happened to be whatever we wanted and put my arm band around my wrist. But before I slid it over my scar, I inspected the C first. It was always the same. It never changed. Sometimes I wondered whether I had been branded there, but then I thought that no one would be that cruel and brand their own child before giving them away. I pulled the wristband over my scar and then stood in front of the mirror. I stared at my seventeen year old self through my light blue eyes. Everything about me seemed normal. But I knew, I could feel, that I was far from normal. My chocolate brown hair, pale tanned skin, skinny dancing legs... everything seemed normal. But I have a secret. And it is my secret.

I never brush my hair. I never need to brush my hair. I always let it hand loose, making sure it covers the scar behind my ear completely. I packed my bag and then skipped downstairs to breakfast.
Our house is quite big. Well, I think it is. If you asked someone like Monica, she would say that our house is quite out of proportion compared to her mansion on top of the hill. But our house suits our lifestyle just well. Our kitchen is adjoined by the living room and we have a basement, two bathrooms (one for Mum and Dad and one for me), four bedrooms and a study. I have my own laptop in my room so the study is mainly Mum and Dad’s. They are always bringing work home with them.
I had a piece of toast for breakfast before getting ready to go to school. I grabbed my bag and then began to walk out the back door when I spotted someone familiar standing on the lawn in our background. I rolled my eyes and then began to climb down the stairs.
“You know you could get arrested for trespassing,” I stated. Tyler shrugged his shoulders carelessly and then joined me as I began to walk towards the forest. He pushed the gate open for me and then allowed me to pass.
The forest always seems darker in the morning at night, and I could sense the fear that was wafting around Tyler. But it didn’t worry me. The forest was my friend. It never hurt me.
“Fourteen,” Tyler said randomly. I stopped and looked at him.
“Fourteen?” I questioned.
“Yes. It’s how long you’ve been dancing. Fourteen years,” Tyler said. He smiled at me and I continued walking.
“So, are you looking forward to Biology?” Tyler asked, trying to get a conversation started.
“Ecstatic!” I said sarcastically. Tyler chuckled.
“You’re not a very funny person, are you?” he asked.
“Do I have to be?”
“No. But I just wondered why. I’m sure you didn’t always be like this,” Tyler said.
“Look, Tyler. You’re new here. You’re the new kid. You don’t understand. Everyone else here knows not to annoy me, so I guess this is your warning,” I said angrily. “So why don’t you just run along and pester someone else? Okay?” Tyler stopped, but I kept walking. I guess he was surprised by my not-so-sudden change in mood. I can’t help it though. I hadn’t wanted to quit dancing. I loved it. But I had to. I couldn’t go on doing it when strange things happened to me. I didn’t like anyone to ask questions about my personal life, or in fact about me.

By the time I got to school, Jess was already there. She waited for me underneath our tree. I joined her and sat down, looking hot, angry and annoyed. But the look on her face was worse than mine. Her eyes were bloodshot, red and puffy. Her cheeks were a bright shade of scarlet. At first I thought that perhaps her boyfriend had broken up with her because this was usually the reaction. She would come to school all sad and teary and I would give her a shoulder to lean on. But then I remembered that she didn’t have a boyfriend so it must have been something more serious. Maybe her parents had split up. They were always fighting. But I knew, and hoped, that that wouldn’t be the case. I decided to stop coming to conclusions in my brain and ask her.
“Jess, what’s the matter?” I asked. She sniffed and wiped a tear off her face.
“We’re moving,” she said. She sniffed again. My mouth dropped open. But she couldn’t move. She had to stay. If she went who would be there to cheer me up. Who would be there to tell people to go away when they annoyed me? Who would be there with me? She was my best friend and I couldn’t let her go. Tears began to form in my eyes.
“Wh-what?” I stuttered.
“We’re moving to Hastings,” Jess repeated. I shook my head and the tears started coming. I leapt at her and wrapped my arms around her. She did the same too and we hugged while we cried. We cried while we hugged.
The hug lasted about two minutes, by which time I had overcome my tears and was now concentrating on what to say next.
“When are you moving?” I stuttered.
“This weekend,” Jess sniffed. I hugged her again, it lasted longer this time.

My eyes were still watery by the time I got to Biology which I had at second period. I sat down in my seat and began to get my books out. I laid my head on my desk and watched as the teacher entered the room. She turned around to the large whiteboard and began writing notes on it for us to copy down. I got a pen out of my pencil case and began to copy them down.
I was rather hoping that Tyler would sit somewhere else this morning. Perhaps in the spare seat next to Jeremy, or on the other side of Sarah. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if he sat with them. After all, he was the ‘hottest guy in the school’ according to them. But unfortunately he came straight over to the spare seat next to me. I made a mental note to remind myself to sit somewhere by myself, without any spare seats next to me, next time I had Biology.

He didn’t say anything when he sat down, just got out his books and then looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. I knew he was wondering why my eyes were swollen and red so I flicked some of my long, chocolate brown hair over my shoulder to make a barrier between us. He could no longer see my face, which I was glad.
“Are you alright? You look like you’ve been crying,” he said, peering around my wall of hair. I didn’t want to let him know that I had been crying. I didn’t want to let anyone know that I had been crying. Seventeen year olds don’t cry. I sniffed and then leant further over my work.
“Sofie? What’s the matter? Has something happened? I saw you hugging Jess this morning. What happened?” he asked again.
“It’s nothing. I’ve just got a bit of hay fever, that’s all,” I lied, wiping the tear that was rolling down my face away.
“Hay fever? In winter?” he asked. I nodded once, realising that that was the worst, least believable lie I could ever have come up with, and obviously he thought so too.
“Okay,” he replied casually.

For the rest of the day, he didn’t question me at all about why I was crying or why I had quit dancing. It was a relief. I didn’t know if I could stand it. By the time the bell had rung for the end of school, my eyes were no longer teary. I made my way home by myself, conscious of the fact that Tyler was only about fifty metres behind me. I could hear his footsteps on the mossy, grassy ground behind me. I could feel his eyes on me, the hairs on the back on my neck sticking up on end. I wasn’t used to ‘sharing’ the forest with anyone else. I wasn’t used to having someone else walking home with me.
Dark clouds gathered over head and there was a loud clap of thunder that rumbled over our little town. I knew it was going to rain soon, and hopefully I would get home before it poured down on me.
I could feel little droplets falling down on my head now and I began to run. I could hear Tyler running behind me. I hate running with a bag on. It makes me look like such a dork. I could see the house through the gaps in the trees. By the time I got there, it was pouring down with rain. I jumped the fence, completely ignoring the gate right next to it, and ran to cover in the garage.
“Can I stay here for a while ‘till the rain dies down?” Tyler asked once he joined me in the garage. “Please?”
“Fine, but take you shoes off. Mum and Dad will kill me if I get mud on the carpet,” I said. We both took our shoes off at the bottom of the stairs and then ran up them to get into the safety of the kitchen.
“You guys have a really nice place,” Tyler commented.
“Thanks,” I replied carelessly. “How far down the road do you live?”
“About a kilometre or so,” he replied. “So, which room is yours?”

I hereby claim myself to be the first reviewer! *waves a flag happily in the air* But err... I gotta write the review. Back in half an hour.

EDIT: Ok! Let's get reviewin'! *pulls out her special pastel pink, glass nibbed pen*

This first part of my review seems - no, IS - very mean, but seriously, there were loads and loads of grammatical mistakes. So I'm sorry that nearly the entire paragraph is crossed out...!!

[s]The next day was exactly the same as the previous day[/s] {There is a reason for this - see below.}.

Tyler caught up with us before school and tried again [s]to try[/s] {too many 'tries'}

to coax me into telling him why I would never dance again. [s]I ignored him and let Jess to try and get him to go away.[/s] {I ignored him, and let Jess try and get him to go away.}

[s]First period, was PE, which thank god, he wasn’t in our class.[/s] {First period was PE, and thank God, he wasn't in our class.}

Jess and I had a [s]huge[/s] {Huge doesn't work here - it sounds way, way too much like slang, and this story will be dated in a few years. What about 'long conversation', 'lengthy discussion', etc?}

talk instead of playing football (the worst game ever in my opinion). Jess was convinced that he liked me, but I was sure he was just curious as to why I had quit dancing. Second period was English; [s]which to my least favourite surprise[/s] {this phrase doesn't make any sense - try 'and just my luck', or 'and in a stroke of rotten luck'}

, he joined me at the back tables and began pestering me [s]again and again[/s] {over and over sounds better}

about why I had {add this word}

quit dancing and why I didn’t want to {ditto} join again.

The starting sentence, long story short, doesn't grab my attention. Unfortunately, this is one of millions and MILLIONS of high school fictions (made popular by Meg Cabot's horrid novels), and so if you want people to expect something big from this, you've gotta play every card in your hand.
I'm not sure how you can improve on the sentence, so I'm going to give you a new one to build on. "It was as if somebody had pushed a 'replay' button." This is an unusual start, and so might hold people a little longer. However, it's up to you after that to keep their attention...

The way I walk home is a short cut.

Try 'the route I take home is a short cut'.

but everyone knows it's {put an apostrophe here} actually the council’s land.

It only takes me about half an hour to normally get home

Try 'it normally only takes me about half an hour to get home'. It reads slightly easier.

“Since I was three. So if you were smart, you would be able to figure out how many years,” I said. I’m not sure if Tyler was actually trying to count the years, but there was an awfully long silence.

This was so funny!

“I wouldn’t think it would be for you. You’ve always got Monica and them to talk to. I’m sure they would love for you to sit with them,” I said stiffly.

Ooh LA-DEE-DAH, I SAY! Somebody a little jealous here, then? *laughs* You've got that emotion across very well here though, even if it's slightly clichéd.

No one else was home. No one else is ever home when I got home so I went on the computer.

... these two sentences are really, really hard to read. And why are you drawing attention to the fact that the house is empty if it is a regular occurrence? You can say it, but don't dwell on it. Example for you: 'No one else is ever at home when I return from school, so I went on the computer.'

Mum [s]immediately[/s] began to cook us tea

Without the word 'immediately', this sentence would be exactly the same. When you're writing, remember this mantra - 'precise and spare'. Immediately just clutters the sentence, and this was turning out to be quite a cosy little paragraph.

I’m not sure if my real parents are dead, but I’m certain that I’m never going to get to see them. The story my parents told me

This had me confused. I thought her parents were dead? You have to make a distinction between her real parents, and her surrogate ones - try not to expect your reader to make assumptions unless it's poetry. *laughs*

Not because it doesn’t seem real enough. But because I have the same scar on my neck, except bigger.

Combine these two sentences together to keep the pace going - i.e. get rid of the full stop after 'enough', and change the 'b' in 'but' to a lower case letter.

To cover up the scar on my wrist, I wear long sleeved shirts in the winter, or in summer, a watch or wristband to [s]cover it up.[/s]

Again - too many 'cover it up's. Leave the second one out.

You see, when I went to worlds

It took me three goes at reading this before it clicked. We don't know what 'worlds' are - you can leave it in, but explain what you mean (i.e. world finals).

I pulled out of the finals for a different reason than that I had chickened out.

Again, this sentence is confusing - what about "I didn't chicken out" or "I didn't pull out because I was scared". Remember - precise and spare.

Only one person in the whole wide world, apart from me knows what it was, and that is Jess.

The punctuation here makes this perfectly acceptable sentence read very poorly. It should say, 'Only one person in the whole wide world, apart form me, knows what it was; and that is Jess.' Don't be afraid to use colons and semi-colons.

The scars have a lot to do with what happened because when “IT” happened, they lit up brightly and began to burn like they were on fire.

Am I seeing elements of J. K. Rowling in here? *smiles* But that's not why I picked this out. This sentence goes on a bit too much. Try splitting it up a bit - 'The scars have a lot to do with "IT"; they lit up brightly and began to burn like they were on fire.

I’ve never felt any more excruciating pain that the pain of my wrist and neck searing on that day.

I'm smellin' waffle, baby! *laughs* I'm getting bored of repeating the same thing, so I'm just going to correct sentences that contain 'too much' information rather than keep going on about it. You must be getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over again, eh? At least you know what flaws you have as a writer, and then as you grow, you can begin to start correcting them one by one.

Try re-writing it as this: 'I've never felt anything more excruciating than the searing pain of my wrist and neck on that day.'

I knew my parents would meet them and if they liked them, they would invite them over for dinner some time. And that meant that Tyler would have to come too. Great.

This line was funny! Loved it ^_^

He has ginger hair that is starting to fall out, so now he has a bald spot on the top of his head.

Put a comma after 'out'.

His face is unshaven, a thick orange beard growing on it. He has a long, crooked nose and a thin mouth. His teeth are crooked and yellow from smoking.

Crickey, I know which direction I'd be runnin' if I saw this guy...

I see her kindness and [s]war[/s], loving heart.

Warm.

I had all the boringest subjects

Uh-oh: slang alert! Unless you're narrating a five year old, never ever use slang unless it's absolutely necessary. Here, it's not. Try 'worst' or 'most tedious'... or even better, grab a thesaurus.

I got up and got dressed into my school uniform which happened to be whatever we wanted

I understand you're trying to sounds really clever here, but it shows right through - this does not work in the slightest bit, and I'm sorry to have to be the one to say this. A uniform is a regulation outfit, something that is mandatory and cannot be changed. So, a uniform of 'whatever you want' ain't a uniform - it's casual clothing.
Instead of trying to sound funny/cool etc, just describe what she's wearing. There's hardly any description in this story, so this is a perfect opportunity to abuse the power of the adverb.

But before I slid it over my scar, I inspected the C [s]first[/s].

The 'first' is just clutter - you want a spotless story, don't ya?

I stared at my seventeen year old self

SHE'S SEVENTEEN and she uses the word BORINGEST? Crickey! *laughs* I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Couldn't help myself.

I always let it [s]hand[/s] loose

Hang loose.

she would say that our house is [s]quite out of proportion[/s] compared to her mansion

Err... 'quite out of proportion' doesn't quite (no pun intended) work here. Use a word that's easy to visualise - like 'tiny', or 'miniscule'. You could even use a simile - 'as small as a doll's house'.

But our house suits our lifestyle just [s]well[/s].

Just fine.

Our kitchen is adjoined [s]by[/s] the living room

Joined to.

I spotted someone familiar standing on the lawn in our [s]background[/s].

Back yard.

“You know, you could get arrested for trespassing,” I stated.

Comma missing.

The forest always seems darker in the morning at night

...what!? Since when was the morning at night? *laughs* I'm not going to attempt sorting this out because I'm not entirely sure what you mean.

“Look, Tyler. You’re new here. You’re the new kid. You don’t understand. Everyone else here knows not to annoy me, so I guess this is your warning,” I said angrily. “So why don’t you just run along and pester someone else? Okay?” Tyler stopped, but I kept walking.

Oooooh, vicious. I like it.

or [s]in fact[/s] about me.

Speaks for itself.

My mouth dropped open. But she couldn’t move. She had to stay. If she went who would be there to cheer me up.

This lacks any emotion and completely ruins the shock of Jess leaving.

My mouth dropped open in complete shock. But... she couldn't MOVE! She had to stay!! If she went, who would be there to cheer me up?!

This also sounds incredibly selfish, now that I'm reading it. *laughs* "Who would be there to cheer me up"? Hmm.

She did the same too and we hugged while we cried. We cried while we hugged.

This is you trying to sound cool again, ain't it? Well, you've just - JUST, by the width of a grain of sand - managed to pull it off.

My eyes were still watery by the time I got to Biology which I had at second period. I sat down in my seat and began to get my books out. I laid my head on my desk and watched as the teacher entered the room. She turned around to the large whiteboard and began writing notes on it for us to copy down. I got a pen out of my pencil case and began to copy them down.

You've committed the cardinal sin of emotive writing - it's flat. Flat writing is when you simply write what is happening - no expansion, description or elaboration. Try focusing a little more on her emotions - it's as if she hasn't even heard about her best mate moving away.

Seventeen year olds don’t cry.

I beg to differ.

“Sofie? What’s the matter? Has something happened? I saw you hugging Jess this morning. What happened?” he asked again.

Too many questions - you're making Tyler look really silly and puppy-like. Boys will never, EVER make such a big fuss over a girl like that - not even girls they're dating - because that's how men are, unfortunalement. They don't do questions, they do hard facts.

Therefore, leave it as: "Sophie? What's the matter?"

I nodded once, realising that that was the worst, least believable lie I could ever have come up with, and obviously he thought so too.

Classic laughs, man, classic laughs. *grins*

It was a relief. I didn’t know if I could stand it.

This contradiction can either work, or not work, depending on the effect you're trying to get across. Is she in a mixed state of mind over Tyler? Or have you just missed something out again? *grins*

I hate running with a bag on. It makes me look like such a dork.

There's a thunderstorm going on and she's concerned about, quote, "looking like a dork", end quote!?

“About a kilometre or so,” he replied. “So, which room is yours?”

*gasp* STALKER STALKER STALKER STALKER! Ewwwww! Not sure if I fancy this story any more...

...but alas - I'VE FINISHED THIS STUPID THING! Yesssss! See: I have OCD, and this has to be perfect. Once I have finished proof-reading my critique, this will have taken me over four hours to do.

Just.
For.
You.

Ain't I sweet? Seriously though - it's taken me a long time, so please actually listen to what I've said rather than just reading it... please? For the sake of my aching wrists? ^_^

Anyway - I'm off to watch the second Harry Potter film, now. This story... I'm not sure what's going on, and it seems pretty 'high school romance' to me, but you might be able to turn it into something if you focus more on the scars rather than their relationship. It gets rather dull after a while - not your fault, but again, I've gone through millions and millions of high school fics before, and they all end up exactly the same. Meg Cabot is entirely to blame for this, so don't take it too hard on yourself.

There are only a very, very small handful of 'high school' fics I've read that are good... and that's because the emphasis was not on the fact that they were in high school, OR on the relationship. Both were secondary to the actual story.

That's me done. I'm sick of this keyboard now xD *dies laughing* but I'm honoured to have been able to be the (ah hem) first to critique this story... and hopefully influence you into creating a true original rather than a Cabot Clone. Good luck with the rest of this, and if you want me to do anything else, PM me. I'm logging off for tonight though.

Ja-!

Thanks so much for your critique... its really helped a lot..i haven't actually edited it yet cause i usually wait until i've finished the whole story to do that.... but thanks anyway... lol

Tegs
xx



ps... i'm just wondering if you read the first chapter???