Legend of ones Heart Prologue

Well I finally have the courage to try this again.

In the beginning of time the great lord Lyon created 201 raises of living animals that would inhabit the land he had made the land he called Sarago. The races started to fight for control over the lands. One races, the Blades were an evil elf type group that raged war against the humans The Blades enslaved the Humans .This slavery went on for about a year till the Humans started to fight back.

The Humans were losing tremdously till they found out how to harness the powers of Gryphons. They were called the Grypholians. They fought the Blades therefore starting the Gryphon Times.

The Blades also had a wild card the Illusias. Illusias were basically creatures of evil that controled beams of light.

The war began the Humans one therefore starting the time of Humanity.



Please wait for chapter it is still being made .

This is pretty cool...I pretty much respect anyone who can come up with these things, 'cause I know I couldn't create lands and races and such...

The tone of this piece would work if you were a balding old white man sitting in his tweed slacks reading the paper and smoking long cigars.

But you're not, so I suggest you try writing like:

a) The thirteen-year-old boy that you are, which should be fun or
b) The nameless, ageless narrator.

If you chose a, it should be very easy. Just pretty much talk normally, and you should be fine.

If you chose b, it's going to be a little harder. Some tips for Ageless Narrator POV:

1. Avoid biased/prejudiced words such as 'evil'. You're the narrator, you're not supposed to have feelings.
2. No slang/slang phrases. Not working.
3. The word 'basically', or 'type', to describe things. I found those...and they weren't working...

'In the beginning of time the great lord Lyon created 201 raises of living animals that would inhabit the land he had made the land he called Sarago.'

This is one of those technically not run-on sentences...but they do seem to run and run and never stop.

First, you seem anti-comma. COMMAS ARE GOOD, GREG.
Second, spell out letters (especially in this context. Unless we're talking phone numbers, it's a safe bet just to write them out)

And lastly, don't be afraid to play around with your words to make 'em sound better. I'm going to do exactly that, just leave the words as they are but shift them around.

'In the beginning, of time, the great Lord Lyon, maker of the land called Sarago, created two hundred and one animal races to inhabit the [insert island, desert, toilet seat, etc. here]'

Sounds a bit better, eh?

But why?

People like to know exactly what they’re dealing with, right away. Kind of like why Spanish people put exclamation points at the beginning of sentences. They want to know what’s going to happen. (Most writers mistake this as having every single bit of description within them at the beginning and then being lifeless and dull later on. We do like to know where we’re headed, but we also don’t want to be loaded down.)

This rule works with single sentences ONLY. It’s a one way road to Crapville if you use it for everything.

‘Julius ate his sandwich very fast, and the sandwich was pickles and balogna.’
Sounds icky.

“Julius ate his pickles and balogna sandwich very fast.”

The latter is better, and SHORTER (yay!).

‘The races started to fight for control over the lands.’

PLEASE PLEASE PROMISE ME you will not use the word ‘lands’ in that context again. This is a mistake most fantasy writers make…and it makes the piece barf-tastic.

There is just something that reeks Old White Guy about it. Sounds like you’re trying to make yourself sound more mature…and it ain’t working. (Besides, you used the word ‘land’ in the last sentence.)

So try ‘the races started to fight for control over the earth/desert/island/toilet seat.’

‘One races, the Blades were an evil elf type group that raged war against the humans The Blades enslaved the Humans .This slavery went on for about a year till the Humans started to fight back.’

Put a line break right before you start this section, since it’s a new paragraph. And since we don’t know that Lord Lyon created humans, too, you might want to add something about that.

I have two questions about this section:

1. Why did you use forms of the word ‘slave’ twice in a row?
2. If the humans are inslaved by the elves, how can they fight back? Sounds like quite a story to me. So tell it! NOW!

IT’S MAKE BETTER TIME!

Try something like:

‘The Blades, one Elvish race , raged war against the humans. The Blades enslaved them, and continued until [tell story here].

Short, sweet, to the point. And note I used ^^ description at the beginning.

Why’d I change it to Elvish? Elf-type sounds very amateur, like you knew what you wanted to say but you didn’t really know how to say it.

‘The Humans were losing tremdously till they found out how to harness the powers of Gryphons. They were called the Grypholians. They fought the Blades therefore starting the Gryphon Times.’

‘Couple questions:

1. What are Gryphons?
2. What’s the Gryphon Times? Sounds like some sort of newspaper to me.

Just as a note: don’t use two names for the same thing in the same group of sentences. It’s very confuzzling. I had to read this over again to get it… and are they fighting the Blades with their harnesses Gryphons? Hmm…questions…

Sam’s Revision: ‘The Humans were losing, badly, ‘till they learned how to harness the powers of the Grypholians, or Gryphons. They fought the Blades with their newfound strength, starting the Gryphon Times, a [insert description here.]

This sounds much clearer, in my opinion. (Newfound strength was a bit cheesey…loma…but I had nothing else on me, serious.)

‘The Blades also had a wild card the Illusias. Illusias were basically creatures of evil that controled beams of light.’

What’s a wild card? Considering it’s sidekick, or something to that effect, let’s move on!

Try blending these two sentences together, so it’s not so choppity chop chop. And figure out how to reword this so it doesn’t sound like a sidenote (and oh yeah, this is really important but…)

Try: ‘The Blades also had an ally, a defense- The Illusias, who could control beams of light.

Another question: what’s the importance of being able to control beams of light? Embellish a bit on how that’s supposed to be good for the Blades!

‘The war began the Humans one therefore starting the time of Humanity.’

Woah. Okay. Very important, so be careful what you do with it.

‘The war between Blades and Humans began, and the Humans eventually one. Thus began the time of Humanity.’

That’s still pretty choppy…but I’m sugar high so you can’t blame me.

Seriously though, dude, this is uberly cool. Once you get into the groove, I’m sure it’ll be great. You got me hooked.

I'm going to correct your corrections. In case Yoshi is changing anythgin according to what you suggested.

"The war began the Humans one therefore starting the time of Humanity." - you mean "won" not "one"

"'In the beginning, of time, the great Lord Lyon, maker of the land called Sarago, created two hundred and one animal races to inhabit the [insert island, desert, toilet seat, etc. here]" - like this I believe:

In the beginning of time the great Lord Lyon, maker of the land called Sarago, created two hundred and one animal races to inhabit the expanse he had created.

Also note: You called the creater of the world Lord Lyon, and you called him a "maker" of the world. What exactly does making a world consist of? I think "maker" is a poor choice of words. And Lord Lyon sounds like a Kings name. Not a Creator's name.

Other than that the story seems sort of cliche. Try inventing your own races altogether, instead of using elvish creatures.
I am writing a rather cliche story as well, and my basic story line is the same. I will post it now.
Try to expand on the basic slave rebellion story, and go into more depth about the wildcard creatures who control light beams, that was very vague and confusing.

As well, when I hear wildcard I picture them as being a sort of last resort in times of war, I think you used it well there if that is what you meant. Again, you will have to explain it better by putting it into context.

Hey, I don't even think you need this. Just start out into the story. It could become confusing for some readers if you throw this in at the very beginning. Or, if you want to keep it, then make it longer and explain the history in more detail. Exactly what happened.

(says like big the cat)OKAY-DOKAY!

The Black Rose Member big the cat I mean the retarted cat...

But ok i am just going ot start it now.

YAY!

Okay...this is totally pointless but it says you're thirty five.

I NOTICED THAT JUST RIGHT NOW....GRR I AM GOING TO KILL MY PROFILE.....WHEN EVER I TRY TO CHANGE MY AVATAR IT DOES THAT AND SCREWS UP EVERYTHING BY BIO AND MY SIG AND MY CUSTOM RANK!!!!!!!....by the way i just fixed it hehe.

That happens to me too Bob! Anyway, I agree with Sam, this could turn out great!!

Gryphons?

Gryphons!

Gryphons like this one[?

SWEET!