fast pounding hearts

carolinewashere wrote:With quick moving hands
And urgent lips. (like the first two lines )
As if tossed in bed, (don't get this, why would beign tossed in bed make a difference, it seems like you are just trying to be more obvious about the se aspect)
we cling to each other.
We are sweaty and the
sheets are dirty. (to simplistic, needs to be more...poetic)
But were just lying now. (we're)
Our bodies touching
with slow thinking minds (take out the with. You don't touch with your mind)
and fast pounding hearts.
Were just lying now, together.

[s]As if t[/s] Tossed in bed,
we cling to each other.

We are sweaty and the
sheets are dirty.

Our bodies touch[s]ing[/s]
with slow thinking minds
and fast pounding hearts.

But were just lying now.

Were just lying now, together.

What does the "dirty" smell like?

carolinewashere wrote:
(Hey there! June here! I'm going to critique this for you, although Suz has covered most of it already!)

(In my opinion, it was a good, quick poem, but it definitely felt as if it were lacking something. I'll explain.)

With quick moving hands
(Touch. Although it may be better to keep the poem short and quick, you can definitely implement some thing else... This poem has no imagery in it, so you can try to add a bit, or try to elaborate on each one. If you notice, each line in this poem has something to do with the senses. In this line, it's touch.)

And urgent lips.
(I would say touch again. Your lines have the ability to lead up to something bigger and more descriptive, but you kind of leave it off right away. )

As if tossed in bed,
we cling to each other

(I would reverse the order of these lines, and reconstruct the wording a bit. "As if" is almost a crime to use. In poetry, you rule the words. You can absolutely toss them in bed and it not be a crime to say so.)

We are sweaty and the
sheets are dirty.
(I would totally reconstruct these two lines. Honestly, I think you could have and should have been more descriptive. Not overly descriptive where the poem leaves no point for thinking, but I would fix this.)

But were just lying now.
Our bodies touching
(You jumped here. You abruptly changed from the description if the setting to what they are doing now. You should try to make it more transitional.)

with slow thinking minds
and fast pounding hearts.
(This... it kind of throws away the whole feeling of togetherness that you have in the poem. I think that you need to rewrite this to make it seem as if they are still with each other. Somehow this seemed to be a bit awkwardly places.)

Were just lying now, together.

(I would ditch the comma, and put a break in the line; leaving together by itself. Also! The proper contraction for we are is "we're")

So, it sounds like a good start for a poem. Each line needs more; it's lacking something. You should create more imagery here and describe a lot more. Like when they are thinking... you should let us know what runs through their mind, you know? You should let us know how they are feeling, what the atmosphere is like. It's sort of just there; not really anything with base or something, you know? It's a good start, but it needs more. Keep up the good work, and please don't throw this away. Work on it and polish it to perfection!

June

With quick moving hands

And urgent lips,

As if tossed in bed,

We cling to each other.

We are sweaty and the

Sheets are dirty.

But we're just lying now.

Our bodies touching

With slow thinking minds

And fast pounding hearts.

[s]Were just lying now, together.[/s]