Writing to Show

So I did this is for a school assignment. Review and tell me what you think. The objective was the show that she character is scared, not say it.

Sweat formed on my palms as I looked up. My legs went to jelly and I couldn’t seem to make them move. Looking into the eyes of what was in front of me made my heart turn cold and drop to the pit of my stomach.

The aroma in the tiny room reminded me of a meat store. The kind that has all raw meat, turkey and anything else you could cook. It made me want to gag.

My brain couldn’t cooperate correctly to say the words to help me actuate my legs. Left, right, left, right. How hard was that?

My bones melted and my jaw went slack. The sound coming from the other’s mouth was something I never dreamed possible. Sweat beads dripped down my forehead; you could almost hear them hit the ground.

I shut my eyes to shield them from this awful picture as a cold hand rested gently on my shoulder.


REVIEW PLEASE

I'll tell you something I've been told: write more to this. It's very hard to critique something that's only a paragraph long. That being said, you did a good job showing the character's fear.

I agree. It was well done discriptive wise, but I don't really know what's going on. Add more to it.