Innocently Guilty

Salem, Massachusetts
November 5, 1692

Branches whipped her face, arms and legs as she ran. The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through fabric of her dress when she ran too close to the trees. Twigs were catching in her hair. Shadows from the swaying bows skirted around her as she ran, like desperate hands trying to her drag her down with their claws.

“Witch!” they screamed. Glancing back she saw the bright, bobbling torchlight. She put on an extra spurt of speed.

Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. In reality, it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her mouth. She didn't want to die.

Liona knew she could not last much longer.

Her tears blinded her. Stumbling over a fallen branch, she put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.

The torchlight came closer and filled her with desperate strength. Using her arms, she dragged herself into the shadows of a great oak tree. She tried to conceal herself in the shadows, but it was futile. Her white dress stood out like a flickering candle.

Sobbing, she slumped against the tree. However, she didn't come to rest against the base of the tree, but kept falling. Hitting the cold uncaring ground with a grunt, she looked around with surprise. Noticing that the tree was hollow, she searched for a hole. Her hands went through a space, and the rest of her followed soon after.

She smelled the damp earth and could hear every heartbeat as she heard the threatening footsteps grow closer. Even though she knew that they couldn't see her, she flinched every time they screamed that they found her. It was a common tactic used in finding fugitives.

The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief. She was out of danger, at least, until morning. They would continue to search until just before midnight, and then start again at dawn. Keeping this is mind; she cleared the weeds in her tiny hole and stacked them carefully in front of the entrance.

When she was satisfied that she wasn't visible, she curled up into a little ball. Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lullaby.

****
Familiar, frustrated voices woke her the next morning.
“I told you she was a witch!” one villager said.

Others agreed, “I saw her, it was around midnight, you know witch’s hour. She just disappeared, right into the night!”

The pack of villagers moved away. Liona chanced a peek out of the cracks in the tree. She saw Elizabelle, her once best friend, searching for her. She also noticed that her two older twin brothers, Jarent and Rellio were there. Tears threatened to overflow. All of them had grown up with her.

“I never would have guessed that Liona was a witch. She was always so nice and caring. Mother told me not to be around her anymore. I wish that it wasn’t her,” Elizabelle started crying, and Liona turned her head.

Jarent patted her back. “I miss her too. Liona could never have been a bad witch, she was nice to everyone. I don’t see why they send us out here. They can’t help that they are born that way. I’d help her if I could.”

Rellio cuffed them across the head. “Talk like that will get us hung. Just get over the fact that Liona is wanted dead and anyone showing sympathy will be in the same boat she’s in. Let’s go.”

As they walked away, Liona resisted the urge to jump out and follow them. She knew that it would be useless, and they would be in the same danger she was. Anyone that harbored or helped a witch was as guilty as the witch herself. Instead, she let the tears pour. She stared at the ancient bark that harbored her here safely.

Standing up, she observed her hide away. The hole was just big enough for her to stand up in. Roots twisted in and out of the bark. Leaves that had blown in from previous winds rested on the floor in a thin layer. Stretching her hands out, she noticed that her palms rested on each side. It was cramped.

To add to her misery, her stomach started to ache. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. Feeling that things couldn't get any worse, she reflected on the day she was caught.

Hey, this is really good. What a surprise. JK But, this can turn into a really great story if you keep up the suspence and if the plot stays on the right track. I can't see anything wrong with what you have posted so far, so I'll just say good job and keep writing!

Branches whipped her face, arms, and legs as she ran blindly. The woods were a blur of greens, browns, and blacks. Rocks lodged into her already cut feet, the pain was intense. It heighted her fears even more.

The comma after "arms" isn't needed; "heighted" is spelled "heightened"; What time of day is this? I'd think it's night, but there is no indication in the chapter.

Liona could not last much longer.

The proper noun isn't needed. You've mentioned the name recently and it was a short time ago

Her tears blinded her as she ran. She stumbled over a fallen branch, and put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot and twisted her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.

There are a lot of compound sentences in here. A general rule is if you want to show panic, chop up the sentences.

She dragged herself to a nearby tree, hoping to get a few minutes of peace before they found her. Most likely kill her.

Something's strange about the "Most likely kill her." at the end. It doesn't really tie into anything. Try adding a word or two to make it fit.

Sobbing she slumped against the tree, and fell backwards.

This sentence is doing a lot of work. Break it up.

Discovering that the tree was wide enough to sit in, she crawled in.

You've used "in" twice in four words. Try "inside" instead of the second "in."

She let out a sigh of relief after they passed.

"After they passed" is redundent.

The story line looks good, although my first thought after finishing this was it should be in Historical Fiction, not fantasy. The plight of Liona is visible in the choppy discription and short paragraphs, but it wasn't quite enough to grab me. Try chopping up the sentences to show panic.

First off, it sounds really interesting. Really drew me in.

Rocks lodged into her already cut feet, the pain was intense.

Lodge seems an odd word to use. (at least to me)

she misplaced her foot and twisted her ankle

It might flow better if you said some thing along the lines of "She misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle."

Sobbing she slumped against the tree, and fell backwards.

Again, you could lose the and.

he was out of danger, at least until morning came

You dont really need came.

A few other places you could lose 'and' to make it flow better.
The suspense really drew me in, great job on that!

(Sorry if none of this helps, first review ever.)

You've got some lovely description here, but I'd like to see a little bit more suspense, plot and character development. Yes, it is the opening scene, but you need to capture your reader's interest instantly. Why is she running? Why are they calling her a witch? Is there any way you can give us a little background? Not too much, obviously, but just enough to make us really care about Liona.

Hope that helped.

~Sunny

Hey Kaylyn.

Branches whipped her face, arms, and legs as she ran blindly. The woods were a blur of greens, browns, and blacks.

Are you able to integrate these two descriptions together somehow? Right now, they seem rather detached from the narrative and do not connect together well. And can you be clearer about the "ran blindly" bit? (i.e: Was she literally blind or just running desperately?).

It heightened her fears even more.

Can you be a little more specific here?

“Witch!” they screamed behind her. Glancing back she saw the bright, bobbling torchlight. Hearing the screams behind her, she put on a burst of speed.

You've already said "behind her" twice. You do not need to repeat that.

Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. Frantic sobs erupted from her mouth.

Has she really been running for hours though?

Sobbing she slumped against the tree, and fell backwards. She gasped with surprise and pain. Discovering that the tree was wide enough to sit in, she crawled in.


The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief after they passed. She was out of danger, at least until morning. Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lullaby.

There doesn't seem to be any suspense here when she was hiding. This is because firstly, the change in her feelings is way too sudden, and secondly, she doesn't even make an effort to ensure that she's safe. Doesn't the main character wonder if she'll get caught? Doesn't she check to see if she's still in danger?

Overall impressions:

To improve this piece, you have to consider more of the character's feelings, thoughts and the plot itself. Here are some questions for thought:

-Why is the character scared of getting caught?

-What is the character's thoughts of being labelled a witch? To what extent do you think that it's right to automatically label a person as a witch without concrete evidence? ( Think deeply, there are actually positives for this as well as negative points).

-Why was the mob hunting her down? (I am not going to accept the answer that it's because she's a witch, I want to know the exact reasons why witches were trialed).

-What is their society like and how does it function?

-Why is the character crying?

Be wary of repetition in your writing. You've repeated the idea that she was running blindly and that she's cut (injured). Try to vary the chase sequence more.

Good luck Kaylyn. This has potential, but you need to add more details to it. It's better to actually add more details into the piece so that reviewers have more to work with (even if it's told, not shown).

Andy.

Two things should inform you on why they are calling her a witch:

Salem, Massachuetts
November 5, 1692

This is the time of the Salem Witch Trials. When witches are caught, they are hung.
Her history will be explained later.

Thanks, for the review. I will definately edit this, this is my first draft. It is really appriciated. Thanks again for the review.

Hello, it appears you are to be my victim for the day *mwahahahahahaha* lol

Kidding.

Okay *cracks knuckles*

There is a lot of potential for this piece, if you expand on the details. You gave us some, scattered here and there, but not enough for us to really sink our teeth in. For a prologue, this is a wee bit short - and if it needs to be kept short then really amplify what you do give us to maximize it's effect.

I disagree with the recommendations for giving us details about her history - that's not hte point of the prologue. However, it is crucial to paint a clear a picture as possible. We don't need to know the who, what, when, where, why just yet.

But you definately need to expand your description. Here's a key example.

Branches whipped her face, arms, and legs as she ran blindly. The woods were a blur of greens, browns, and blacks. Rocks lodged into her already cut feet, the pain was intense. It heightened her fears even more.

it's a good start - but it could use so much more. You're relying on one single scentence to say it all and then you bounce to the next thing.

Here's my version:

Branches whipped her face, arms and legs as she ran blindly. The roughened, moss covered bark bit into her exposed skin and cut through fabric of her dress, catching in her hair. Shadows from the swaying bows skirted around her as she ran, like desperate hands trying to her drag her down with thier claws. She couldn't think or see beyond the pain and her debilitating fear which turned her surroudings into a frantic blur of green, brown and black. Agony radiated up her legs with each stride as her battered and bloodied feet padded against the damp earth, mud and stones latchin into the sensitive and torn flesh. The pain was intense and it heightened her fears even more...blah, blah, blah.

See what I mean? Hope this helps!

Thanks!

Salem, Massachusetts
November 5, 1692

Branches whipped her face, arms, and legs as she ran. The woods were a blur of greens, browns, and blacks. Rocks lodged into her feet. The pain heightened her fear even more.

This is a nice beginning. It catches the readers attention.

“Witch!” they screamed her. Glancing back she saw the bright, bobbling torchlight. She put on an extra spurt of speed.

Wouldn't she run into a tree if she looked back?

Her breathing grew ragged. It seemed as though she had been running for hours. In reality, it had only been minutes. Frantic sobs erupted from her mouth. She didn't want to die.

Liona knew she could not last much longer.

I like this.

Her tears blinded her as she ran. She stumbled over a fallen branch, and put her hand down to catch her fall. Her palm scraped and warm blood trickled from her wound. As the howling behind her grew closer, she misplaced her foot, twisting her ankle. She crumpled to the ground.

The torchlight came closer and filled her with desperate strength. Using her arms, she dragged herself into the shadows of a great oak tree. She tried to hide herdelf within the roots. The tree wasn't big enough to hide her.

I wouln't put a space between these two paragraphs, it...well it doesn't make sense.

Sobbing, she slumped against the tree and fell backwards. She gasped with surprise and pain. Discovering that the tree was wide enough to sit in, she crawled inside.

The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief after they passed. She was out of danger, at least until morning. They would continue to search until just before midnight, and then start again at dawn. Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lulling lullaby.

Again I like this, but could you pu tmore detail, like did the tree look like inside?

Frustrated voices woke her the next morning.

“I told you she was a witch!” one boy said.

Two others agreed, “I saw her, it was around midnight, you know witch’s hour. She just disappeared, right into the night!”

Liona chanced a peek out of the cracks in the tree. She saw Elizabelle, her once best friend, searching to kill her. She also noticed that her two older brothers were there. Tears threatened to overflow. All of them had grown up with her since she was a child.

A little catchy, but good.

“I never would have guessed that Liona was a witch. She was always so nice and caring. Mother told me not to be around her anymore. I wish that it wasn’t her,” Elizabelle started crying, and Liona turned her head.

Her brother patted her back. “I miss her too. Liona could never have been a bad witch, she was nice to everyone. I don’t see why they send us out here. They can’t help that they are born that way. I’d help her if I could.”

His twin popped them across the head. “Talk like that will get us hung. Just get over the fact that Liona is wanted and anyone showing sympathy will be in the same boat she’s in. Let’s go.”

I like this, but details a would be good. Try to describe what they look like.

As they walked away, Liona resisted the urge to jump out and follow them. She knew that it would be useless, and they would be in the same danger she was. Instead, she let the tears pour. She stared at the ancient bark that harbored her here safely.

To add to her misery, her stomach started to ache. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. When you were accused a witch you didn’t deserve food. She had watched as they had fed the murderers, rapists, arsonists, and other criminals. A witch was way worse in their eyes.

She listened as the villagers moved away, and Liona reflected on the day she was accused.

Yes! I like the ending.


----Now to the real review....


Over all, I liked it, but I think a few more details would help the reader get a closer look. It caught my attention, and held it. Let me know when you post the rest!

I'm back!

Liona fell asleep, listening to nature’s lulling lullaby.

Almost the same word twice. Delete "lulling"

“I told you she was a witch!” one boy said.

Two others agreed, “I saw her, it was around midnight, you know witch’s hour. She just disappeared, right into the night!”

It's her brother. She'd recognize his voice. Who is agreeing and who is talking? And, the turn around is too quick. They go from hating her to loving her.

She also noticed that her two older brothers were there.

Do her older brothers have names?

All of them had grown up with her since she was a child.

With the mention of her brothers, this line becomes redundant.

His twin popped them across the head.

No mention that they were twin older brothers. I don't think popped is the right word. Try "cuffed."

She knew that it would be useless, and they would be in the same danger she was.

When would they be in the same danger she was?

A witch was way worse in their eyes.

"Way" makes this line read as modern. Delete it.

She listened as the villagers moved away

There are others out there? If not, replace villagers with something else.

I like this a bit better. The atmosphere is there, and details are discribed more. It's still not very choppy near the end (of the first part), but it's better.

I will ask you again: Why is this in Fantasy Fiction? A real setting, no mention of magic other then witches, and no sign as to why she's accused. This looks like a Historical novel.

*edited*

Getting better all the time.

A little nit pick:

The villagers roared past, like animals searching for their prey. She let out a sigh of relief after they passed.

You mention they have passed once. You can delete the "after they passed" because it's obvious they already have.

I really like the atmosphere here. You never flat out mention it's night, but the way things are discribed brings a picture to your head that it's dark out.

I will ask you this until I get an answer: Why is this Fantasy Fiction? My reasoning is: If she has magic, why doesn't she use it to get away?

Keep up the good work!

You'll see. My masterpiece is in the works. It will take time.