How I Killed Mona Bradley (intro)

(Ok, so this isn't enough to even count for anything, but this is a little intro to something I'm working on.)

Mona caught my eye the minute I saw her, dancing into the cafeteria. She was absolutely gorgeous. Her light brown hair had a yellow ribbon tied to the end of each handful or two of hair. She wore a white sweater with a blackeyed susan pinned to the front. Along with that were khaki breeches and grey knee-socks. I noticed they had little yellow flowers embroidered in them and it reminded me of my favorite jumper as a little girl. The oddest thing about her apparel was her lack of shoes. To this day, I don't know why she refused to wear shoes. She was unique, and all eyes were on her.

She seemed oblivious to the girls' faces turning green, and the boys' eyes growing into big magenta hearts. All she seemed to notice was, well, everything but the people in the room. She stopped and admired some student artwork, looked through the trophy cabinet, everything the staff wanted students to do, but never did.

Everyone wanted to be able to say they were 'close and personal friends' with Mona, even though they had known of her existence for less than twelve seconds. She had so much potential, and, if there was one thing I knew for certain, Mona Bradley was going down.

I love it! It really does make me want to read more.

Mona caught my eye the minute I saw her, dancing into the cafeteria, very climatically (I don't think climatically is *quite* the word you're looking for here. Perhaps seductively, obliviously or gracefully? The reader doesn't get a picture from the word climatically, except for, well, mental pictures of things you shouldn't be doing in a cafeteria...)[s],[/s](no comma needed here) I must say.
She was absolutely gorgeous. (I like this, it is simple and gets right to the point, although I would personally start this on a new line) Her light brown hair had a yellow ribbon tied to the end of each wavy lock. (I don't see this as realistic, a lock of hair is in the dictionary as a curl or ringlet of hair, if she had a ribbon on every ringlet it would be overkill. Perhaps a ribbon on braids?) She wore a white sweater with a blackeyed susan pinned to the front, [s]with[/s] khaki breeches and grey knee-socks (hyphenated) with little yellow flowers embroidered into them. The oddest thing about her apparel was her lack of shoes. To this day, I don't know why she refused to wear shoes. (You don't require brackets here, it still flows nicely without making that sentence sound like an afterthought) She was unique, and all eyes were on her.

She seemed oblivious to the girls' faces turning green, and the boys' eyes growing into big magenta hearts. All she seemed to notice was, well, everything else. [s]but the people in the room.[/s] She stopped and admired some student artwork, looked through the trophy cabinet; everything the people ('teachers' or 'the administration'? unless the story is going to be about a conspiracy to get us to look at the walls of our school cafeterias, you should be slightly more specific.) wanted students to do, but never did.

Everyone wanted to be able to say they were 'close and personal friends' with Mona, even though they had known of her existence for less than twelve seconds. She had so much potential, and, if there was one thing I knew for certain, Mona Leef was going down.

Excellent, giving us a bit of insight into the environment and the characters without giving the whole story away; just enough to get the reader interested and not enough to make us feel as if the story is over before it has begun.
PM me if you decide to carry this on, I'd love to read it.

dreamintechnicolour

I think it is really good! I like how it makes you really want to read more.

She had so much potential, and, if there was one thing I knew for certain, Mona Leef was going down.

you just had to stop there i think it counts for something. though i would give some more detail on the setting and maybe the narrators past. it would be great for a prologue too. keep writing!

Uh, this kind of sounds exactly like Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli (minus the killing), but maybe it's just me. =o

Hey, thanks for the reviews. =]
Yeah, I sort of noticed some slight similarities with this and Stargirl, (thought I don't know where you're getting the EXACTLY part. =P) But I'm trying to take it somewhere different.
So thanks!
=]

First thing: Mona Leef sounds like...a Hawwiian volcano tree or something. Weird simmilie, eh? I love the first name, but it being so unusual, you desperately need a more commonplace and less exotic surname. 'Kay?
Crit two: "very enthusiastically I must say" this is quite unnecessary, extra baggage on the end of the an otherwise perfectly good sentence. Don't repeat yourself, please. Dancing is enthusiastic, especially when used in a simmilie for walking. We readers get the picture already.
Crit three: Your third sentence is waaaay tooooo loooonnng!
Crit four: Whaaat!? I don't understand the part about no shoes....but maybe you'll explain that, no?
Crit five: good, hook-building, interesting beginning. Just try playing around a little with the stuff we've suggested in the crits, eh?
I look forwards to reading the next part.
Cheers!
--Voxina

Jeepers, this is short, but no less good, I don't think, than if it were longer. Very interesting... you describe how good she is, how perfect. How everyone likes her, wants to know her, wants to be her friend... only to have your main character make a target of her. Nice flip. I like it.

Mona Leef. Mona Lisa?

Mona automatically makes one think of a nice person, and Leef adds to the soft, pretty image. But I think that might be the problem. Mona Leef sounds too good, it meshes too well. It sounds like, well, a name from a story. Which is okay. But the goal is to get your writing to be so good, it's like it's from real life. Mona Leef is a beautiful name, and is for her, I imagine, a form of characterization. But parents don't name their kids knowing what the personality of said kid will be like fifteen years or so later. It doesn't need to be more simple -- Mona Leef already is simple -- but something less soft sounding than Leef. Mona is fine. It's a beautiful name. Last name can start with "Lee" if you want. But don't end it with an 'f' or any other soft sounding letter.

And now I'm curious. XD Why does your main character want to take her down, eh? Poor Mona. So nice and... well, I guess you'll post the next part for us to find out, yes? Post soon, and could you PM me when you do? I'd like to continue reading this if you ever post more of it. ^_^

You know, I had forgotten I had written this!
I'm just about to change it up a bit..
But, anyway, before I start rambling on, and making this sentence too long.. oh, too late.
Thanks for taking the time to critique this!