American Love

This is my first piece here on YWS, so I welcome any and all constructive criticism:



American Love


Where did the American love go?
It was a simple love.
I used to know it once,
I think.

Where did the green glass bottles go?
The ones with ice cold Coke.
The first sips which were purer than liquid gold.
They stopped making them.

Where did the peaceful Sundays go?
When I could be carefree
And when I lived in the moment and not for tomorrow.
They vanished in time.

Where did the sunsets go?
The blazing crimson sun
Deepening into the hills of the country.
They got lost behind the skyscrapers.

Where did the human race go?
They used to care.
They used to feel.
Until they were subdued by greed.

I used to know love once.
It was a simple love,
A love for a country now lost.
I am old now.

What i like about this poem is that it's real and true. Good job.

Liked it the stanza about the Coke especially- very well described, made me thirsty. Wasn't too mad about the last line- comes across as very direct and basic. And the similar questions opening each stanza were verging on repetition. That's my criticism, otherwise I enjoyed reading it!

Leto of Dune wrote:Where did the American love go?
It was a simple love.
I used to know it once,
I think.

The second line implies that today's love is still love, although it is more complex. Is this really the image you wanted to display to the audience? After reading through the piece, I felt that what you were claiming was that there was no love left. In either case, the statement that old love was simple love is weak and cannot stand on its own because it does not have any evidence holding it to the pedestal you put it on.

The last two lines are questionable, and I will explain that later in the context of the whole poem.

Where did the green glass bottles go?
The ones with ice cold Coke.
The first sips which were purer than liquid gold.
They stopped making them.

I did not find much in this stanza of value - after all, it is simply about...soda? That's all you talk about here, and you don't give it any connotations to the broader image or any metaphor, so I can't claim that it's part of something deeper. What does Coke have to do with love for one's country?

However, I will concede that perhaps you're starting off shallow and going into the subject with more depth later. In that event, there's really nothing wrong with presenting a surface-level example of this love.

Where did the peaceful Sundays go?
When I could be carefree
And when I lived in the moment and not for tomorrow.
They vanished in time.

How? You leave the reader hanging at the end; I was really expecting to hear something about how you've seen cars flitting by like hummingbirds to millions of destinations, without stopping for a breath. Show us something that proves to us that life is going at a faster and hustled pace. Don't just tell us and leave it at that.

Where did the sunsets go?
The blazing crimson sun
Deepening into the hills of the country.
They got lost behind the skyscrapers.

Good. The skyscrapers (industrialization, globalization?) contrasts with the sunset (peaceful, rural life). You are giving this poem a larger picture now so that we are assured that you do know what you're talking about and that this piece isn't just about wanting to relax, but wanting to apply these nostalgic feelings to all aspects of American society. That shows true devotion.

Where did the human race go?
They used to care.
They used to feel.
Until they were subdued by greed.

There is no such thing as a "human race". Do you mean species? If that sounds too technical, just say "Where did all the true humans go?" or something along those lines.

Again, you haven't shown us any examples of how people are greedy. You just can't make a declaration out of thin air and expect the reader to swallow it, nodding and smiling. The audience expects elaboration, so give it to them.

I used to know love once.
It was a simple love,
A love for a country now lost.
I am old now.

Good generalization at the end, and a clear message that you are nostalgic for the America of time passed, not just another side of America or anything else that could be construed otherwise. Again, I don't understand why you would use "simple love". What is it opposed to, "complex love"? "Simple hate"? The line just doesn't make sense, at least to me.

Overall, this was actually a good poem; the simplicity in which it was written, the layman's tone, accentuates the desire to return to a more basic and freer life. The main aspect that this piece is sorely lacking is the fact that there are no examples, no explanations. The whole thing is just overarching commentary without a microscope zooming in on particular instances of how life has changed for the worst. Work on that and this will be strong.

Hope that helped.

Thanks for all the comments my friends, I really just came up with this from the top of my head so I can understand if it seems like it was lacking an actual aspect, or message. I did like this one especially though, so I will get to reworking it sooner or later.

Beautiful poem. Absolutely beautiful. Whatever did happen to those coke bottles? The cans are too hard to open and hurt my hands. I thought it was a teensy bit choppy, but otherwise, I have no problems with it. What happened to America? What happened to patriotism? What happened to us?

You are a great American and God bless USA!!!!!!!
Great poem but I think you should have maybe include some of the American history as well. Maybe you could write a little bit about Las Vegas or Some other important places of our country.

Wow. This poem shows such feeling I hadn't thought much of. It really makes you think. It doesn't rhyme, which to me, is different. It shouldn't be because that's not a main thing for poetry but I usually write with a rhyme. Although this is an informational poem, I appear to like it a lot. Keep up the good work and don't stop writing!!!