Heartsick - Prologue

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The bittersweet taste of oranges lingers on her tongue as the sunlight rests upon her face, causing her to peer into the distance with squinted eyes. A group of young men stood there, watching a single boy twist and turn his body on the pavement in a series of ridiculed dance moves. She watches for a moment, intrigued, and then rushes forward to join them, ignoring the protests of her friend.

"What do you want?" The tallest of the boys asks, stretching his neck higher to appear taller than he is.
"Holy crap," another says as they notice her, "it's a girl!"

She rolls her eyes in annoyance.

"What d'ya want?" The tall boy asks again, twisting his upper lip at her.

"Go away," another boy says, folding his arms across his chest, "this is a competition. No girls allowed."

She doesn't budge. Instead she brings her gaze to meet the boys and without thinking says,
"I want to compete, then."

The boys turn and laugh, mocking her shaky voice as they double over and mutter what she will not be able to do. The tall boy is the first to recover and looks at her again, trying to straighten the smirk on his face, and says,
"Show us what you got, loser."

Forgetting all that burdens her, she slides the zipper down of her jacket, wriggles it from her arms and tosses it aside. The boys snivel in laughter at her, watching her closely, searching for a flaw in her chance, to eat away the remains of her self esteem and make her never want to show her face again.

She strides to the center of the lot, kicking aside a stray pebble, and begins her routine. She begins awkwardly; her arms and legs seeming almost too long for her small body. She bends over backwards, slowly reaching for the ground with her hands, until she feels it, the rough asphalt digging into her hands as she shifts her body weight and throws her legs over her head, once, twice and again. She dances to the inaudible music in her head, the same polished steps she practiced every night alone in the empty spot in the garage where her father's silver car belonged. She moves her body with much effort, twisting on the ground, struggling to make it look as if she had a place in this. The dance ends abruptly; an unexpected stop after a distorted flip.With all of the dignity she possessed, she retrieves her jacket and walked away. The sounds of cheering erupts from behind her as she walks away with the weight of pride sitting on her chest.

She didn't know what made her look back, but she did, just as a man steps out of the long, silver car that was meant to be in the garage. Had it been there in all of the days when it should have been, this wouldn't be happening.
Last edited by Juniper on Mon Dec 29, 2008 12:15 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Subconsciously, she espies the mark on her back, the worst of them all.


I don't think you can subconsciously espy anything, actually. I understand what you mean - she sees it in her head, but 'subconscious' is the wrong word to use. Find another way to show what you mean.

the one on her eyelid, [s]the one on[/s] her right arm [s]the one on her[/s] and right knee; too many to remember.


repetition of 'the one on' can be cut. Something like: 'The one on her eyelid, on her right arm and right knee; too many to remember.'

And [s]then[/s] she screams.


What is it with people and using 'then'? 75 reviews later and I've seen it in at least half of the pieces I've critiqued. I'm beginning to think I'll have to write an essay/tutorial on it so you can all understand better why it should be avoided and when its acceptable to do so.

*

It was a bit of a nothing prologue - some vague, interesting points I guess. I'm wondering why she suddenly decided to scream? It's obvious the memories have been tormenting her for some time, so why did she choose at that moment to scream? It seems really...precipitous and unnecessary.

I think the reason she screamed is because you were aware that nothing at all happens in your prologue and you wanted some action - I think it was an unnatural reaction and you should reconsider what to do with this prologue.

It was, on the whole, well written though so kudos on that and well done.

Cheers
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Merci for the review Jig! Very much appreciated! I edited it and fixed the errors.
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Eek. This prologue kind of sucks in a couple of different ways. For one, you don't really say anything useful. I don't know about you, but I have a 128K story and I wish it were smaller. Why? Because it's too big and that makes the agents less thrilled about getting it. So I trimmed out all the stuff that didn't really say anything.

This tells you that the narrator wakes up from a nightmare, that she has family, and that she has a dream which may or may not connect with anything this story has in it. There are soooo many stories that start like this that this makes this story trite from the beginning. We don't care that she wakes up. We want to know what is going on.

So ditch this prologue! It doesn't do anything for you. Start into the story. That way, the creativity you've spent on the story will shine and will not be obscured by this generic piece.
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Thank you so much for your critique Snoink! I really appreciate it! You actually just made my day.

-has ditched this prologue for one that sounds totally opposite!-
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I read through the first prologue that you had stricken out and I agree with the others posting that it doesn't really give you a feel for the story. I didn't really get a feel for what the story was about. Then I read the second one you had written and it pulls you in more, makes you want to keep reading to find out what happens to this girl, horrible though it may be.
Reading the second prologue, I would definately want to keep reading.




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springrain2693 wrote:This is a prologue to a story I wrote. It's all based on true events, but I added a few things in. I may change the title in the future, but I can't think of another one now. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.


Greetings, June dearest. :wink: Here as requested. *rolls up sleeves* Let's get a crackin'.


The bittersweet taste of oranges lingers on her tongue as the sunlight rests upon her face, causing her to peer into the distance with squinted eyes.


I like this; it's details like these that make a story real. However, you've been afflicted with the same problem as me, and that's cramming too much information into one paragraph. You have some amazing ideas here that pull the reader straight into the story; now what you need to do is break them up so they stand on their own; it will be more effective. I broke this quote up for you; you can rephrase it if you want, it's just an example of how it could be done:

[i]The bittersweet taste of oranges lingers on her tongue. Sunlight rests upon her face, causing her to peer into the distance with squinted eyes.

A group of young men stood there, watching a single boy twist and turn his body on the pavement in a series of ridiculed dance moves.


I'm not sure I agree with the word choice of 'ridiculed.' It doesn't entirely make sense. Replace it with a word like, 'ridiculous' or 'self-deprecating.'

She watches for a moment, intrigued, and then rushes forward to join them, ignoring the protests of her friend.


Break it up to add effect: She watches for a moment, intrigued. Then, she rushes forward to join them, ignoring the protests of her friend.

"What do you want?" The tallest of the boys asks, stretching his neck higher to appear taller than he is.
"Holy crap," another says as they notice her, "it's a girl!"


The second interjection should be in a new paragraph, as it's a new speaker. And I know I'm being O.C.D-ish, but the repetition of 'tall' is niggling at me. Maybe rephrase: The tallest of the boys asks, stretching his neck higher to raise his height. Something like that?

"What d'ya want?" The tall boy asks again, twisting his upper lip at her.


For the second part of the dialogue tag, it doesn't quite make sense. Maybe rephrase as: "The tall boy asks again, curling his upper lip at her." Twisting your lip at someone...I've never really heard it done before. Still, if it works for you, then it's fine.

"Go away," another boy says, folding his arms across his chest, "this is a competition. No girls allowed."


To add more effect, you should change the comma after 'chest' to a fullstop, and capitalise 'this'.

Instead she brings her gaze to meet the boys and without thinking says,
"I want to compete, then."


The first part would make more sense if you said, "Instead she meets the boys' gaze." And I think you should change what she says, as they've just stated there are no girls allowed. Instead of saying 'I want to compete, then,' she should be contradicting them. The use of 'then' makes it seem like the boys have stated that she can compete. I'm not really making sense so I'll show you what I mean by rephrasing. Either do, "But I want to compete." Or, "I'm going to compete anyway." Something like that would make more sense.

The boys turn and laugh, mocking her shaky voice as they double over and mutter what she will not be able to do.


Hmm. Bit clunky; rephrase: The boys turn, doubling over with laughter. They mock her shaky voice, predicting her failure in muttered tones.

The tall boy is the first to recover and looks at her again, trying to straighten the smirk on his face, and says,


Bring the 'and says' into a new sentence, so it simple reads,"He says." The other sentence drags on for too long.

Forgetting all that burdens her, she slides the zipper down of her jacket, wriggles it from her arms and tosses it aside.


'She slides the zipper of her jacket down' would sound less clunky.

The boys snivel in laughter at her, watching her closely, searching for a flaw in her chance, to eat away the remains of her self esteem and make her never want to show her face again.


I'm not sure you can snivel in laughter. Maybe sneer, snort, scoff, choke. Oh, I've broken this up for you again and taken out words I thought unnecessary. Sorry I keep doing this, I'm way too obsessed.

The boys snivel in laughter at her. They watch her closely, searching for a flaw to eat away the remains of her self esteem and make her never want to show her face again.

She dances to the inaudible music in her head, the same polished steps she practiced every night alone in the empty spot in the garage where her father's silver car belonged.


'Belonged' should be 'belongs', as this is in the present. I know you're telling a memory, but the car technically still belongs in the garage, so should be in the present tense.

The dance ends abruptly; an unexpected stop after a distorted flip.With all of the dignity she possessed, she retrieves her jacket and walked away.


Tiny nitpick; but the fullstop after 'flip' and the first letter of 'With' are glued together where there should be a space. Hehe, just thought I'd point it out.

The sounds of cheering erupts from behind her as she walks away with the weight of pride sitting on her chest.


I think you should singularise the first part so it reads, 'The sound of cheering erupts from behind her.'
If you're keeping it like that, it should be, 'The sounds of cheering erupt,' without an 's' because 'sounds' is plural. Oh, and I think the second part would sound better if you simply said:as she walks away with pride weighing on her chest.'

She didn't know what made her look back, but she did, just as a man steps out of the long, silver car that was meant to be in the garage. Had it been there in all of the days when it should have been, this wouldn't be happening.


This is in past when it should be in present.


Overall Thoughts:

Kay, June! I liked this. It intrigued me right from the start, because you weren't telling the reader everything that was happening and explaining it to them. You were adding a bit of mystery there - it wasn't melodramatic but this tiny aspect niggling in the background of the story, cleverly woven in behind the main plot with the dialogue and characters. It was very aptly done, so I applaud you on that.

I like the character, for the first chapter she's developing well. I think you need a bit more physical description, however. To keep this level of consistency in characterisation for the rest of your story, here are some tips:

:arrow: Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

:arrow: Have the characters interact. Good dialogue tells a lot about characters. I didn't really see that much interaction between your character and her friend. Seeing how they talk, how she acts with her friend, whether she's the talker or the listener, will tell the reader bucket-loads about your character,and you won't even be describing them straight out.

:arrow: Pay attention to conversations, be they your own or other people's. Make sure that the personality of your character shows in their talking and keep in mind that dialogue is one key factor to making your characters real, unless you intentionally include no dialogue in your story. Writing good dialogue is difficult. Examine movies and plays that you find realistic, memorable, etc.

Anyway, PM me or request a crit on my review thread when the next chapter's out. I'm intrigued! :wink:

Good luck with this, Juniper!

-Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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I like this!! There were only two things that stood out to me:

"What do you want?" The tallest of the boys asks, stretching his neck higher to appear taller than he is.

...

"What d'ya want?" The tall boy asks again, twisting his upper lip at her.


The two "The"'s should not be capitalized.

Other than that, it's great. The dance part was so well described, I could see it clearly in my head. =]




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Oh, this was quite cute.

So her father was there all along? He was the character who really frustrated me. He was never there when she wanted him, and then he was when she didn't? A little cliche maybe, but I would like to know more. This is a prologue? Okay then that's alright as long as you explain yourself in the next... whatever comes next.

Be specific. While you had a lot in there like the asphalt, dancing and stuff, does she get a swirling head? Rush of adrenaline? Blush from the cheers? Sneer at the way the boys treat her?

You have a very nice use of words, but it all feels a little fast. Sure, it's a prologue, but still, why is she sucking oranges? Why do the boys not want her? Okay so I am writing too many questions...

I would like some more description on the girl, it would be nice.

An overall good effort. But describe her senses - what does she feel/see/hear/taste?
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