Rachel

Rachel was adorable. She was the cutest girl I'd ever seen in my entire life. I'd always play Power Rangers with her at recess. She was always the Pink Power Ranger. The pink one was always my favorite on TV too. I was always the blue one, though. They were a couple on the show. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

So on the last day of Kindergarten I finally got the nerve up to sit near her on the rug. We were in the way back and it was hard to hear Ms. Johnson reading Dr. Seuss behind all the chatty kids. They were annoying. But I wasn't really listening anyway. I just felt the cheap acrylic rug under my sweaty palms. Rachel just sat there and lazily played with a bouncing curl attached to her head. I scooted closer to her, feeling my heart go ba dump ba dump so loudly I thought the whole class could hear. She wasn't paying attention to me.

"Rachel?" I whispered so Ms. Johnson wouldn't get mad at us.

She looked up slowly and boredly, meeting my eyes. "Yeah?" she asked.

"I like you," I whispered again, watching her smirk.

"I like you too, Patrick," she said in her adorable voice. She was an entire head shorter than most everyone in the class.

I grinned. This is good. I pretended to listen to the teacher again, so she went back to playing with her hair.

Later when we were leaving the school yard, I saw her standing by the swings with her friend, Justine. I had to walk by them, and a crazy idea came into my head.

I rushed up to her as quick as I could.

"Hi, Patrick," she giggled. I grinned and leaned in.

This was it. It was our magical moment. It felt like it took years to close the gap between us, but eventually my lips reached her cheek. I planted a big wet one on her and leaned back, grinning even bigger.

"Hey!" Rachel squeaked. She raised her hand quickly and smacked me across the face before running away giggling. Justine followed giggling as well.

I walked home slowly, rubbing my cheek, hoping my face wouldn't have a red spot on it by the time I got home.

The pink one was always my favorite on TV too. I was always the blue one, though.

You kind of have an overuse of the word always. If you reread the first paragraph out loud to yourself, you'll see it doesn't sound too hot.

So on the last day of Kindergarten I finally

Make sure you watch your punctuation. Comma after "Kindergarden"
Also, your sentences are kind of short and non-descriptive. You're simply telling us the story without really telling us, you know? I want to know ALL of Patrick's feelings and emotions, not just what happened.

This was adorable, but one issue that bothered me. If Patrick is in kindergarten then

why is he speaking so...biggly This must be one smart kid. Have you ever read

Junie B. Jones? If you haven't then I recommend it to you. It will help you develop this

story to a better and more cuter writing. Other than that, I loved it. It was cute!

Hey there KailaMarie.

Rachel was adorable. She was the cutest girl I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Can you provide an example where Rachel was cute or adorable?

We were in the way back and it was hard to hear Ms. Johnson reading Dr. Seuss behind all the chatty kids. They were annoying.

I find the narrator to be obnoxious here. You see, kindergarten children are pretty out-going and talkative. The only way that I would find this bit plausible is if the narrator is quite or isolated from the rest. But then what's said here is pretty generalized. Can you talk more as to how and why they are annoying to the narrator?

Overall impressions:

The first thing that I've noticed is that your narrator's voice seems off. He sounds more like a pre-teen rather than a student at a kindergarten. Kindergarten children have their own strange way of speaking and I don't think you've captured it here. Go to a kindergarten and check out how they talk. You will find that they talk in a very simplistic (and at times, gibberish) way.

I also think that this piece should had been written in third person. You see, a child doesn't have much insight of the world as say a teenager has. As a result, this places restrictions on what can and cannot be expressed in your narrative. Breaking these restrictions would make your story unrealistic as a result.

I think you should had also focused more on the possible factors that could had influenced the narrator to have this sort of intense relationship. Just because they are playing the role of two power rangers that are in some sort of relationship doesn't explain as to why this relationship exists. There has to be some sort of chemistry or interaction between them to give rise to this. Pretending to be someone you aren't actually hinders the process of understanding each other as a person. Have you considered the facilities that are available at a kindergarten? Why not talk about the times they were playing with each other (eg: building blocks, playing in the sand box etc etc)? These facilities exist in the playground to allow the children there to interact with each other through various ways. It is through these interactions do children get an individual understanding of their peers. Of course at times, conflict happen every now and then (eg: someone stealing someone else's blocks, fights in the playground or accidentally getting an owie) but you should be using this to your advantage to show more of the motives as to why the narrator likes this girl. Take this as a suggestion: Maybe the narrator got hurt one day while playing on the slide and the girl helped him out by comforting him and asking the teachers there for first aid?

I think you have a neat concept here, but you need to think more deeply about romances in kindergartens and how this can come to be. I wish you good luck.

Andy.

Yeah... the voice is off. And the way he is looking for her and everything is creepy, and the voice only heightens that. What you would have to do to make this sound better is for him to notice physical attributes with her. I'm reminded of Ramona with her obsession of that one girl's boing-boing curls. He's not going to think, "Oh, she's adorable!" or whatever. He's going to specifically notice what he likes about her. And instead of him thinking, "We were meant to be together!" because of the Power Rangers thing, it sounds more probable that, because they had the opposite Power Rangers that were "together" then logically they should be married. Which may sound weird, but I had several boyfriends way back in first and second grade (shush! xD) and we were together because it was logical in a very bizarre way. It was expected, so that's why we did that.

Another thing--the pink ranger. He likes that better? I would think that he wouldn't mind saying to this girl, if he likes her, that the pink ranger is his favorite as well. At Kindergarten, nobody really cares. They might make fun of him a bit, but really, nobody cares too much. His secrecy of that issue is the one that creeps me out since it seems sneaky and that sort of sneakiness only comes several years later.

For the ending, the last sentence falls flat. It doesn't do anything for you at all. The question becomes, "Who cares?"

So yeah! Work on getting the voices right, and it should be much better.

While there is nothing wrong with it...

- Why is the boy so mature? If it wasn't for you saying kindergarten i would've assumed someone older. Acrylic? For example. When i was in kindy rough/soft/thick/hard/spongy was good enough for me. But acrylic? Be serious here - no kindergartener is going to ever think that up!

- Why is he thinking so maturely? A sign? No - most kindergartners do not think like that. No romance not in kindy! While it is cute, it's disturbing. The prospect of kindergartners at my school walking around thinking of who they're meant to be together based on who's cutest and the power rangers they play are together on tv is creepy. I shudder.

- Does it lead on anymore? it's sort of plunging us into the thick of the storm then yanking us out.

- Why would she hit him? It seems rash to slap him. I'd punch him or scream or cry or kiss him back. Try and get inside her head a little more. I've never known a kindy kid to slap one another for a kiss on the cheek.

Anyway it is good. It was cute. To have more would be nice.

Very cute, but a couple of things i saw...

I'd always play Power Rangers with her at recess.

change at to during, it sounds better

She was always the Pink Power Ranger. The pink one was always my favorite on TV too. I was always the blue one, though. They were a couple on the show. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

This, in my opinion, sounds a little choppy. Maybe make them flow a little better?

We were in the way back and it was hard to hear Ms. Johnson reading Dr. Seuss behind all the chatty kids.

Maybe edit this to, "We were behind all the others in the classroom, making it hard to hear Ms. Johnson reading 'Dr. Suess'."

They were annoying. But I wasn't really listening anyway.

"They were a little annoying, but it wasn't hard to concentrate on anything but Rachel."

She was an entire head shorter than most everyone in the class.

change most to mostly

I had to walk by them, and a crazy idea came into my head.

why would he need to walk by them? Make it, "As i walked by then a crazy idea popped into my head.

I grinned. This is good. I pretended to listen to the teacher again, so she went back to playing with her hair.

Change this to that

She raised her hand quickly and smacked me across the face before running away giggling. Justine followed giggling as well.

connect those two senteces like.."She raised her hand quickly and smacked me across the face before running off giggling with her friend Justin tagging along."

Once again, it is super cute. Sorry if i sound mean, i dont mean to be!!!