Be Like The Sun

I look at the rising sun
its life is just joy and fun

for it conceals not its light
shines on all , shining bright

it illuminates all
the sea and the waterfall

the people in the streets
the dew in the weeds

the rich and the poor
people sweet and sour

it warms the heart of all
does no discrimination at all

if only we could be like it
if only we could sometimes sit

and wonder what we give
to all those who live

around us, with us
if we could help them all

and do no discrimination at all
and share our knowledge

the very little we have
if only we could learn

to spend a second
with those in need

if we paid some heed
to those downtrodden

to those oppressed
to those who can't afford to eat

to eat a piece of bread
well said shoaib, well said

I think this poem's strength is definitely within the first half of it, say the first five stanzas; there are some vivid images there and the poem says all it has to say. After that it kind of trails off into generic idealism that comes across as quite naive. The drift into comedy (last line) didn't appeal to me- it sounds as though you in fact don't take the idea seriously. It's just the shift of tone that threw me. Having said that, it did give me a laugh upon reading it a second time, and perhaps it was all intentional- the lack of punctuation and basic language making it sound as though it's coming from a child? Who knows.

Okay. It wasn't really imaginative for me. You didn't put a lot of emotion into it. Some parts are confusing and have a strange way of describing something. Yes the rhyming was good, but it doesn't really help if it doesn't make sense or is it too cliche.

for it conceals not its light
(I'd put a "it" in the beginning of this line).shines on all , shining bright

to eat a piece of bread
well said shoaib, well said

Didn't work for me. It was too cliche and not very well thought out. I feel that you slacked off when you got to the ending and that isn't good. I'd try to re-write the entire last part of the poem.

All in all: It wasn't very good. You have a lot to work on. Try to show us what is happening. Make it feel as if we are standing there and so forth.

I agree with everyone's criticism. Thanx. I'll Improve

Here, I have rewritten the poem:-


I look at the rising sun

its life is just joy and fun



for it conceals not its light

it shines on all , shining bright



it illuminates all

the sea and the waterfall



the people in the streets

the dew in the weeds



the rich and the poor

people sweet and sour



it warms the heart of all

does no discrimination at all


Its light helps us read

It shows the way to those in need


It helps the earth grow green

It is a lamp so pure and clean


Deprived of its light are the blind

their eyes can't see, they can't enjoy


If we ponder how great is the Sun

the best gift to nature from God


How great is God who gave us Sun

How great is God who gave us Sun

Hi!
I've read both poems - the first version and the improved one. I think both are great. I love the way you think and wonder how life moves around you. It feels good to read your poems, it's like I've regained the part of me which was lost. Keep up the good work. I'd love to read more.

Hey,
I think I like both versions of the poems and the imagery is really good.The problem with the first poem is that you put your name in the end.I probably think your trying to use the Urdu poetry technique where the poet puts his name or pen name in the last line, but you should understand that it really doesn't work like this in English poetry.
Second of all you have used wonderful imagery but the rhyming couplets restrict you much.It isn't always necessary to rhyme in a poem, the real thing that matters is the flow.You should work on creating a flow in the poem without actually rhyming it, something like free form poetry.
The poem has a good idea you just need to work on it a little more...
Sorry about the really long critique but these are some things I noticed.After that it's pretty much up to you.
Anyway I hope I helped.
.... July4Ruby....