Raised Voices

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very short, I know
an attempt at some rhymes....yeah
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Raised voices ignore the walls between us
and envelope me in a cloud of gloom,
Each angry tone and bitter wish
Nail another seal to my sad mind, a dark tomb
The words are not meant to hurt me
But they still drive deep into my heart and hurt my soul
Despite my hiding, trying to ignore
The voices rise again, beating each other and grappling for control
I want them to stop, be reasonable, forgive
What happened to the family with whom I used to live?
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.




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Yeah, the rhyming and tempo is a bit off on this; I'm not a poetry nut though so I can't tell you to fix it.

Nail another seal to my [s]sad mind a[/s] dark tomb

The words are not meant to hurt me

But they still drive deep into my heart and [s]hurt my[/s] soul


This, for me, was the real problem area. Take out the bits I've struck here; there are some unnecessary additions and repetitions, without which, the lines flow a little better.

An ultimately mundane poem of no great skill or imagery, in my mind, but for what its worth, I get it.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Gender Male
Points 890
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I don't know. This didn't really have nice imagery and the tempo was off. Also that it was a bit confusing at some parts.

Raised voices ignore the walls between us
and envelope me in a cloud of gloom,
Each angry tone and bitter wish
Nail another seal to my sad mind, a dark tomb


The last line breaks the flow. The others were all right, but it all fell apart by the last line.

I don't know. This wasn't really good. I see what you tried to show and you also tried rhyming. So here goes:

Rhyming-Okay
Tempo-Off
Imagery-Some parts a bit confusing, but you get the idea.
Creativity- Needs a lot of work though.

Sorry if I'm mean. :wink:
Look at my big shiny shell...



i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
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