Like a Fish: Chapter Two

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Thanks for the reviews, everyone!




Be careful, he said. “Be careful” coming from Avery is like “slow down” coming from a turtle. This is a guy that lights incense before exams, consults his Tarot cards before sending an e-mail, and leaves milk with chili powder for the spirits that live in his garden. At least he preaches what he practices.

We crunched across the sand, which had the consistency of cold brown sugar. Glancing at Avery, I thought he had aged fifty years since that last tarot reading. Pale as a corpse, sunken cheeks, hunched shoulders. The fine mist left gray streaks in his light brown hair. And if the sea could burn, it burned in his eyes.

“Stop acting so happy,” I grumbled.

He choked on air. “You’re so…vulnerable, Chessie. I need to worry.”

“Vulnerable? Me? Senorita Kickass?”

I was rewarded with a smile. “Nice Spanish.”

We arrived at his car, a decrepit, rust-encrusted vehicle of unknown brand. When we got inside, I said, “Close your eyes.”

Without checking to see if he had obeyed, I slipped out of my wet bathing suit and into a sweatshirt and jeans. I trust Avery completely. Any other guy would need to gouge his eyes out before I changed clothes next to him. “Okay, ready.”

We crept at a snail’s pace through the waterlogged streets. Puddles reflected neon lights, rippling like liquid gems in the street. I sighed and kicked my legs up on the dashboard. A yellowing piece of paper fluttered into my lap. I stared at it for a moment before asking, “Is this you?”

“Would I have a picture of myself in my own car?” Avery asked. “I’m not that narcissistic.” He was quiet for a moment. “That’s Nicolas, my long-lost brother. He disappeared when I was six. We…we think he drowned.”
I mulled over this. “Is that why you’re so scared of the ocean?” I asked in a quiet voice.

“No comment.”

I grumbled and fell silent.

Five minutes later, we parked in front of The Sunrise Bakery. As soon as Avery opened his door, a monstrous, slobbery chocolate lab attacked him. The dog’s boulder-sized paws clamped on his shoulders and it began plastering Avery’s face with thick drool. I leaned against the car, amused.

A woman with blond curls jogged after us, removing her ear buds as she screamed, “No, Pogo! Bad dog! Sit!”
Pogo’s grand finale—a supernova of saliva—burst from his mouth. He dismounted Avery and trotted back to his owner, looking thoroughly pleased with himself. The woman grabbed his collar and looked up to apologize. We recognized each other immediately. “Chessie! Avery!” she said in alarm. “I’m so sorry.”

Our math teacher looked like she would break into tears. “It’s okay, Ms. Flocka. He’s not hurt.”

“Just soaked,” Avery interjected as he peeled ropes of slobber from his shoulder.

There was a moment of awkward silence (what do you say to a teacher outside of school?) until Ms. Flocka made an attempt at conversation. “Did you see the headline?” she asked, pointing to a stack of newspapers. “Pirate attacks. Pretty unbelievable, huh?”

“But of course they’re not dangerous,” I said. “I mean, pirates? Come on.”

Her bottom lip trembled. I wish I could fix her fragility with duct tape. “They’re very dangerous,” she whispered. “Girls are being raped all over the Oregon coast.”

I snorted. “Who would be stupid enough to get raped? Seriously, how hard is it to keep your pants buttoned?”
At their stony glares, I bit my tongue. My metaphorical foot was wedged so tightly in my mouth I could barely breathe.

“Be careful, Chessie,” Ms. Flocka said as she plugged her ear buds in and called Pogo after her.

“You’re the second person to tell me that today!” I cried as she jogged away.

“I told you so,” Avery muttered.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Another good chapter!

First off, let me tell you that I'm not good at picking out grammatical errors, so my critiques will just be mainly about the big picture.


I love Avery! I like how he always worry and his Tarot cards and he's just so well-rounded. I love how your characters have flaws. Also, I love the dialog (and I know I'm using the word 'love' a lot hehe sorry) The whole run-in with the teacher, makes me think that something bad is going to happen to Chessie. You're amazing for writing your first non-fantasy story. I really enjoy this and I hope you keep this up.

Favorite part:
We crunched across the sand, which had the consistency of cold brown sugar. Glancing at Avery, I thought he had aged fifty years since that last tarot reading. Pale as a corpse, sunken cheeks, hunched shoulders. The fine mist left gray streaks in his light brown hair. And if the sea could burn, it burned in his eyes.


You have such a neat way of describing things.

You have my best wishes and keep writing,

~Angie
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Angie, you have no idea how much your reviews mean to me. I can't begin to thank you enough... but I can try! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




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Okay so first let me tell you I'm on my iPod so I can't do a really good review.

Next, loved it!!! The foreshadowing was great and I loved how chessie speaks her mind but always says too much. I'm just like that!! Haha

Favorite line: the one about the metaphorical foot.... Such great description in it. You changed an over-used phrase and made it your own. Kudos!!

I promise when I get to my computer I will look closer at it. But I loved it pm me when the next chapter is up!

~dommy :D
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?




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"Five minutes later, we parked in front of The Sunrise Bakery. As soon as Avery opened his door, a monstrous, slobbery chocolate lab attacked him. The dog’s boulder-sized paws clamped on his shoulders and it began plastering Avery’s face with thick drool. I leaned against the car, amused.


A woman with blond curls jogged after us, removing her ear buds as she screamed, “No, Pogo! Bad dog! Sit!”

Pogo’s grand finale—a supernova of saliva—burst from his mouth. He dismounted Avery and trotted back to his owner, looking thoroughly pleased with himself. The woman grabbed his collar and looked up to apologize. We recognized each other immediately. “Chessie! Avery!” she said in alarm. “I’m so sorry.” "


My favorite part. Genius.

This chapter is another winner. I know, this isn't much of a critique, but I really don't see anything wrong with it thus far.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."



When something is broken, it can be fixed.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe