Because - Chap. 20

DELETED

Hello again KJ!!


I really liked this chapter. Especially the conversation between Brittany and Becca. It just shows how real this story is and I can't wait to read the next one!

I only found two things:

The intensity he always head in his eyes would turn me into jelly, I knew, and I prepared myself to see it.

you have 'he always head' it should be 'had'

He wore the type of orange jail suit that I’d seen in the movies.

I think it should 'the movies' instead of 'in the movies'. To me it read better that way.

And I've been to a jail before. I think that the way you wrote this scene is perfect. You have accurately painted the phone scene, so good job.

Keep up the good work!!

~Angel

Hey there, KJ!

Once more, you've written an intense chapter. It makes me wonder... who reported Will? Was it a different female student, or Becca that he got in trouble for? What kind of proof did they have to land him in jail? And why the heck did Becca go see him? The whole time i was like, "No! Don't do it! You'll be Sorrrryyy!!"

Anyway, I found a nitpick:
Someone reported that he had a… inappropriate
It should be 'an' in front of 'inappropriate.' You know, trusting she has good grammar, anyway.

And just a comment for the last chapter while I'm thinking about it, if that's okay: We're learning about controlling relationships in school, and you got it just right. Will wouldn't want Becca to talk affectionately about anyone else, because he'd want to control her every move.

Great job again! Thanks for the great read!
--Anna

This was great. I think you described the jail really well, considering all jails dont look the same.
I liked the cliffhanger at the end. Although I hated that it had to end there, it gave just enough info for the next chapter, which I can't wait to read.
Besides the little grammical error Anna found, everything else looked good. As always, PM me when you write more. Good job

I got lost about half way through, but I just re-read and caught on hah.

It was good in most of it's angles but I feel like it diddnt use much of a vocabulary. I dont mean pour over a Thesaurus but I really would have liked some better word usage.

Overall it was well done, I liked the small segments, helped separate the different parts into something that flowed a bit more easily.

Keep up the good work!

*screams hysterically and collapses to floor*

Dammit. Another cliff hanger. =_=

I found another story like this over on FF.net, so I'm dissecting that one instead ;P What is it with me and inappropriate relationships? I'm beginning to scare myself *laughs* but they always happen to be the few storylines that are always well written...

I suppose you have to be quite a confident writer to do this without breaking out in a cold sweat o_o

*KJ~

(Just so you know, I might sound a little different then yesterday. Different emotions, I guess)

I knew something like this was going to happen sooner or later. I guess I was waiting for the moment when Sheldon was sent to jail. Oh, and I haven't been to a jail so I guess your descriptions let me picture what it looked like.

Brittany has an attitude. Majorly. Oh, was it Ann that told the police? I think so. And, I knew that Becca couldn't survive economics.

Goodness, I do hope Becca leaves Sheldon. It's just wrong. And, KJ. You make out like this is the end. The end paragraph, seemed like this was the end to Because. But, I will keep on reading!

Well, I have so many chapters left until I'm caught up. Seven, I think.

Super-duper job!

*Merry

P.S. Good Morning!! (For me, anyway)

I've read all the chapters up to this one and have had a hard time to find anything to critique. This chapter is just as good as the previous ones, however I finally feel like I have something to add that might make this chapter excellent!

She smiled[s], and it wasn’t the smile she used to direct at me[/s].

This sentence just reads odd to me. I know what you were trying to say but I think it'd read better if you just striked out most of the sentence. Keep it simple, because you explain the smile in the next sentence.

[s]I was beginning to realize what she was going to say.[/s] He’d been gone from school all week…?

Realizing what she was going to say would mean that your character is physic because even I didn't see that coming. I mean, it was so abrupt. Also, what is with the ...? Get rid of the periods.

There were no other people besides a woman sitting in one of the plastic chairs in a sitting room, and she was crying.

Because naturally you would be sitting in a sitting room. I think the word you were looking for was a waiting room or reception area or even lobby, all of them work better than sitting room.

“W-What?” Did she know who I was? That my “relationship” with him was, in fact, one I myself was confused about, but had been reported on?

This is the part of your story that gets a little unrealistic and I understand why Becca has to get through to see Will. Still, if he has just been arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a teenage girl and then suddenly a teenaged girl appears in the jail wanting to see him, do you really think their just going to let her waltz on in? There really is no way to fix this except to delete this entire chapter which doesn't work, but all the same I just wanted to point that out. Maybe you could have Becca beg the receptionist, that she just wants to tell him goodbye and what harm can that do? Idk, its a sticky web to weave.

The woman blew a bubble and popped it, sighing, as if her job was so difficult. “I need to know your relationship with the person you want to see. He’s in restriction right now, and visitors have to be a relation or his lawyer. You one of those?” She waited.

She's like what, 16? No receptionist is going to ask if she is a lawyer, she barely knows how to drive.

I stood, stomach fluttering so badly that I felt as if I was going to throw up.

This is the second time you say she feels like throwing up. Regurgitate, vomit, puke, barf, going to be sick etc.

He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days[s]—a week, to be exact[/s]. He wore the type of orange jail suit that I’d seen in the movies.

I don't like that bit that I striked out, read weird. Oh and I've visited people in jail and they do not wear orange jail suits. More likely he will be wearing a blue scrub-like shirt and gray sweatpants. Saying he is wearing an orange jumpsuit like Hollywood does, is just cliche.

Holding my breath in hopes I wouldn’t throw up, I followed suit.

Regurgitate, vomit, puke, barf, going to be sick etc.

I didn’t feel as if I was really saying them: “I’ve come to say goodbye.”

Missed that if in there.

He reached out and touched the glass between us, and I imagined I could feel his fingers brushing my cheek as they once had.

Way too Hollywood, yet again cliched. The imagery is nice and all, but its overused in almost any jail scene.

Perhaps things would have turned out differently if I’d known how susceptible to insanity Will Sheldon was.

I don't like this part of the sentence.

Perhaps things would have turned out differently if I'd never let him read my poetry.

Or something, idk.

“Goodbye,” I whispered again, allowing myself to reach out and touch the glass where his hand was, just once.

Cliched. It is too corny and overplayed. Quite frankly, your better than this. I know, I've been glued to my computer for the last two hours, reading your story.

Little did I know that I would see him again, and in such a way that would land my brother in the hospital, a young girl in the morgue, make my parents drag me down to a tiny town in Colorado, put me in counseling, and change everything about my life in an attempt to make me forget that night.

This foreshadowing is way too literal and it really drags down your ending. Plus it leaves little or no suspense. I'd delete this whole paragraph and just end it where she is sobbing.

And now I am on to the next chapter, hopefully this is the first and last chapter I will critique. Keep up the good work.