It was strange falling asleep after eighteen years of sleepless nights. Lean was not a stranger to closed eyes, but keeping them closed for more than fifteen minutes was an act never practiced by her, or any of the Named ones.
She was used to fighting away the yawns that were her constant companions, pushing her to the edges of her limits every second of the day, everyday of the year, and every year of her life.
Up until now of course.
Now, she had to force herself to wander the darkness that surrounded her behind the shut eyes. She had to float away into a void of nothingness, until the spark would come and tow her away against her wishes.
It shouldn’t be too hard. If she could just get over the potential dangers of this act and the inevitability of her disintegration, she wouldn’t find this to be a challenge.
She had already stopped the regular dozes of her medication days ago, feeling the urge to drop dead before schedule. Then a few days ago, Owen had taken away her coffee too, just like she’d asked him to.
Thinking of Owen made her smile and hurt, both at the same time. Her eyelids became heavier and heavier as she thought about each of her Leids, the clues that she was leaving behind for him.
Would Owen remember her, when she had vanished into thin air? Would he care enough to go looking, or would he forget her just like the lovers of all the other Named.
She knew the answers even before she knew the exact questions themselves. The answers brought despair to her already broken heart.
There was a slight comfort in the promise of rewarded free time. She might get a chance to visit him. Even if he wouldn’t know of her presence, she would still be able to see the beautiful face she had fallen in love with.
He might forget her, but she would never forget him. Ever.
As she fell deeper and deeper into unconsciousness the darkness began to fade away, replaced by a tiny white dot that glowed in the center of her vision. It grew ever so slightly, annoying Lean by not being quick enough. Her thoughts were also blurred as her room faded away, along with her life.
No, it wasn’t her room fading. Technically, it was Lean herself, crumbling and blending little by little as the spark grew.
Fifteen minutes. That was all the time she was ever allowed to rest her eyes. That was the time it took Lean Frost to change from the Named to one of the Faded.
As promised, the white spot burst into a thousand pieces, each one piercing her head and taking shelter in her brain, her heart, her eyes. Her pulse quickened as the shards of light travelled down her spine and through her veins, spreading through her body, eating away at it.
Her body ached and throbbed from the insertion of so much living matter and she screamed in pain. It hurt to have your body pulled apart little by little, piece by piece. Worst than she had anticipated.
Even drowned in this new universe, she could feel tears streaming down her face. She could taste the salty moisture, that threatened to wake her, and leave her paralyzed.
That would be bad. Very bad. She would not only loose herself but her sacrifice would be to no avail, not to mention the agony her body and mind would have to suffer for the rest of eternity.
She shuddered thinking about the pain that would be so much worse. Would the aches she felt now get more excruciating with time, or would her body eventually go numb to them? She hoped she didn’t have to find out.
Through the blindingly bright light she saw tiny figures floating towards her. Finally, they were here.
Lean frowned, or at least her body did, her brain did not sense the movement. There were only three Fade Kissers, something she had not expected. She had been prepared to face hundreds of them. Perhaps they sensed her willingness and knew she was not a resister. Not anymore.
They smiled gently, their features soft and glowing in the bright light. To them this was just another vocation call. Another one of the Named was entering. More surprising was the fact that she was entering on her own will. What could be easier than that?
She could imagine them giggling softly when they were collected for their briefing and given the Gen on Lean Frost, a long time resister. Because of her status, they would have been warned, told to be careful with her.
They looked at her with approving gazes, their faces serene and mystifying as they closed up on her. But she wasn’t fooled by their appearance. She knew what their vocation called for, what their purpose was today. They were here for her. Here, to aid with the transition from one world to another. From one illusion to another, she corrected herself.
Lean curled her fingers, feeling her body’s control one last time and then she took one step closer to the luminous beings, abandoning her body completely.
They grabbed her hand, gingerly brushing away her flaming, red hair. She braced herself for what was to come next.
She had spent her entire life avoiding this very moment, but now she was eager to embrace it. It couldn’t be any worse than the pain she was in. Her body, or whatever identity she was now, felt numb and cold, and she knew that the transitional process was almost complete.
One last step was waiting for her, and although she had prepared her mind to accept her actions, she felt a tinge of sadness at what she was about to do. For once, this sadness wasn’t for anybody else, but for herself.
She knew everything would be fine once she took this step. The physical pain would soon end. Owen would be happy too, maybe not right away, but eventually.
Fate, destiny, whatever it was, was so cruel sometimes. It always presented you with the most difficult of choices, and people seldom chose the best one. Was her choice the best one? She didn’t know, and perhaps never would.
One of the Fade Kissers leaned into her and Lean gasped, unable to move at all. That’s exactly how they wanted it. The other two pressed their warm cheeks against hers before turning to whisper in her ears.
“You were Named Lean Frost?” asked the one on her right, her voice coming out like a little girl’s, almost giggling.
Lean nodded her head with great effort.
“Lean, your name belongs to our Kingdom. You belong to our Kingdom,” said the other Kisser more soberly, all the smiles disappearing from her voice.
Lean nodded again. “I’m aware. I am not a resister.” Her voice was quiet, barely a whisper. The screaming was the body’s job.
“Then you know what must happen now?” This voice was strong and confident, and ironically, bored. It came from the one who was looking straight at her, her eyes glowing green.
“Yes, I do,” Lean answered.
At this, the girl’s shimmering figure moved closer and she bent down to put her lips to Lean’s.
Lean closed her eyes, and a tiny tear dropped down the length of her face. This was her tear now. Not her body’s. It belonged to the new Lean, the one that was starting to glow, like the others.
The drop of moisture was not clear and watery but silver and viscous, like silver honey. Someone licked it before it could go to waste. The sensation made her shiver.
Ah. Yes this was what they fed on, fear and sadness. Since her fear was not as exaggerated, they would have to settle for tears, the markers of grief.
Lean tried to distract herself. She wondered if the liquid tasted like honey too, or was it salty like her body’s tears. Her attempt was pitiful.
There were many cherished memories that could have burned hot behind Lean’s eyelids. Memories of her childhood—thinking of those always felt like tasting sunshine. Memories of her mother were less cheerful, though still greatly valued.
She should have seen her mother’s face in her last moments. The soft smile on her lips, her twinkling eyes with the laugh lines around them, were signs of an angel. It suited the event of her death, seeing this angel.
But another type of angel had been reserved for Lean. This angel’s face was dark with agony, the features on it twisted in a fierce mask of rage. His eyes burned with another emotion though. They were sad and pleading, almost begging, for Lean to—
To what? What he wanted from her, she couldn’t tell. She was too deep into the spark to hold onto these memories anymore. Then what was the shaking she felt, pulling at her consciousness?
Someone was touching her, she could feel it. The movement was vigorous, so strong that it almost threatened to bring her back.
“NO! Lean, open your eyes. Please, Lean!” someone screamed in anguish. How could this memory speak to her so clearly?
Lean felt her chest heave, her mouth trying to suck in a breath. A cold chill travelled down her spine as a sweet, melodious laugh echoed around her.
Her lips were still pressed hard against the Fade Kisser’s. When she was able to breathe again she realized that she didn’t need to. Her human needs were no longer essential to her existence. After all, she was hardly human anymore.Yet to sooth her doubts, to kill the spark of desperate hope within her, she tried to curl her hand. She couldn’t.
Her eyes were still closed when Lean felt a sudden thrust in her stomach. She dropped to the ground, writhing in pain once more.
Why wasn’t the pain ending? Lean wanted to cry out, scream until she was numb to everything, but just like her whispers her screams could only be sobs.
Time seemed to pass slowly, or maybe it had come to a complete halt, not passing at all.
There was laughter blended together with screaming. These were faraway echoes though. There was no one with her now. She had to endure it all in absolute loneliness. No one would share her pain or distract her from the burn that was melting away her flesh, separating her soul from her body.
Maybe it had all been a lie. A clever way to get her to sacrifice herself. Maybe there was no end for her at all, only this never ending suffering.
Could she have been so blind? Had she thrown away her last hope, maybe Owen’s last hope too?
If she had, then she deserved this hell for her stupidity. She would lie here forever, stuck in limbo.
As Lean Frost’s physical state changed from solid flesh to nothingness, she found herself hoping that she had not doomed her love to this fate either.
Hate me Owen. Truly hate me. Convey the rage on your face in my memories into your kind, compassionate heart.
But she did not know how deep the mark of her love was on Owen, how fierce his yearning would be soon. Yes, she was changed because of him, but so was he. A fact he would have to live with. Or maybe, die with.
