Hi There,
This is the first chapter of the novel that I'm currently working with. I found this chapter remarkably difficult to write at times as it is the first even slightly romantic piece that I have ever written, and I can't help feeling that there is something missing in it. Please read it, and help me improve it, as at the moment, I'm still not really 100% happy with it.
The Heist -- Chapter 1
The moment that would change Daniel Clarkson's life forever occurred one cold morning on December the 27th. For the past eight years of his fifteen year long life, he had skied for two weeks every December. This year he would ski for a month. He was home schooled since the age of nine, and had finished the 12th Grade syllabus just last month. And as a result of his excellent grades, he was rewarded with a month long skiing holiday in the Rockies.
The air felt fresh, a flurry of snow floated through the air and settled on the slope, already rich with snow. The corners had never felt so smooth. One turn flowed into the next. The breeze whipped through Daniel's hair. It seemed to last forever. His skis floated over the soft snow. The narrow slope seemed to be infused with a sense of tranquility that was only amplified by the air's chill. For a few moments Daniel Clarkson was at peace. He was perfectly content. Then it occurred; the event that would change his life forever. Someone crashed into him. He momentarily lost his balance, but managed to avoid falling. Evidently the young girl who had crashed into him, had landed herself on the floor.
“Here,” he said, “let me help you up.” It was at that moment that he recognized her. Indigo Haywood, was probably the most famous actress the teenage world had ever seen. Many of the more posh critics disapproved of the movies she made. After all, teenage girls should not take part in violent, action movies. A musical does not encourage violence, and is far more befitting of the female gender. What sharpened there criticism was the fact that she performed her own stunts, securing her place together with the scum in the eyes of the posher folk. Most of the world, however, praised Haywood's talent, and natural affinity for acting. She made you feel that it wasn't merely a movie. She had taken part in countless thrillers and action movies, and had even made a horror or two. Any movie with her as a character was guaranteed to be a box-office hit. “Holy hell,” Daniel said, “Indigo Haywood just crashed into me.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” the actress's voice was very apologetic, “I wasn't really looking where I was going to be perfectly honest.”
“Don't apologize,” Daniel said, “after all, it's not every day that one meets Indigo Haywood. The name's Daniel, by the way.” An awkward silence followed. “Sorry,” said Daniel, “you must get that a lot. People treating you differently because you're famous and all.”
“No, its all right,” Indigo's voice was dry, “I guess I've only just realized how much more I like meeting fans than critics. I met one yesterday. I guess, I didn't really mind the fact that she critiqued my acting, but her personality was completely sour.”
“Well, you know, you get some of those strange folk around,” he said, “don't mind them, they are usually just jealous.”
“You might be right,” there was another awkward silence before Indigo said, “Anyway, I'll race you to the bottom.”
“Okay, but falling all the way down doesn't count as winning.” He smirked.
“Good luck Dan,” said Indigo, “you're gonna need it.”
“You can talk after you've beaten me.”
“Okay, ready, set, go.” Indigo pushed off before Daniel could gather his temperament.
Daniel pushed off. He looked down the slope, Indigo was a good skier. He would need to work hard to catch her. He chose a slightly steeper path down the slope than Indigo had, He made his S-turns slightly smaller than she had made her's. Slowly, he began to pull back the distance that had separated them. Then, he passed her, he doubted whether she'd seen him, but that was irrelevant. He approached the base of the mountain, and slid to a stop. He had beaten Indigo Haywood in a race down the mountain. He could tell this story for decades. He watched as Indigo came in to the base of the mountain.
“Did I hear you saying that you were going to beat me, or was it just my imagination?” he greeted her.
“You are obviously aren't as bad at skiing as you look,” she said. She kicked up a pile of snow, with her ski and launched it through the air. It landed on Daniel's face.
“Sore loser,” laughed Daniel, “do you want a rematch?”
“Sorry, that's a no can do,” Indigo replied, “My father expects me home for lunch. But I could do with some company later on, Do you have your cell phone on you?”
“Oh, Is Indigo Haywood about to give me her number?”
“Shut up! Call me at 4 o'clock sharp this afternoon.” she gave him her number.
Indigo Haywood abandoned Daniel Clarkson to go eat lunch, her stomach was filled with butterflies. Her heart was still pumping at twice the rate it normally would. Four o'clock could not come fast enough. Her life had just taken an unexpected twist. Her luck seemed to be bottomless, how often could one be so lucky by falling on one's skis. She could not help smiling at the prospect.
She entered the dining room, her father stood there waiting for her. Next to him was a beautiful woman who Indigo had never seen before. She sat stiff-backed at the place in the table where Indigo used to sit.
“Hi Indy,” her father said, “I hope you don't mind, but I have invited Melanie here for lunch, I think it would be good for you to get to know her, if you get my drift.” Indigo did indeed get his drift. It was fairly obvious that her father had got himself a new girlfriend. This was troubling to say the least, as since Indigo's mother had died five years before, as far as Indigo was aware, her father had never dated another woman.
“Hi dad,” Indigo replied.
“You must be dear Indy,” Melanie interrupted. Well, of course she was 'dear Indy', after all, hadn't Melanie just heard her father greet her. But Indigo wasn't about to point this out – yet.“Your father has told me all about you. You sound like a wonderful person, even if I don't particularity like the violence in some of your movies.” Melanie's seeming lack of tact complemented her sickly sweet personality.
“Charmed to meet you,” Indigo responded, “by the way, I would prefer it if you used my full name: Indigo.”
“Oh of course,” said Melanie. She seemed a little shaken.
The awkwardness of the conversation remained throughout lunch, during which, Indigo repeatedly prodded her steak with her fork.
“So, er... Melanie, what do you do for a living?” Indigo had asked in attempt to strike up conversation.
“I'm the manager of a small bank in Pennsylvania called Kione Private Bank,” she said.
“Oh, that must be interesting,” Indigo had replied dryly. Melanie failed to continue the conversation.
Indigo was almost grateful to her father for saving the conversation, until she heard his announcement: “And talking of Kione,” her father said, “I've decided to invest a large portion of your assets there. From what Melanie tells me, the bank is growing big time. Isn't that so Melanie?”
Melanie continued talking about the growth of her bank for what seemed like forever. The bank, it turned out, was a surprisingly new venture. Indigo doubted her credibility to say the least. She seemed to be trying to convince herself that her business would succeed, when it was in fact very likely failing. For some reason, Indigo's father did not seem to have picked this up. Or perhaps, though she doubted it, Indigo was imagining things. It was amazing, Indigo thought, how easily a man's mind could be corrupted. One beautiful woman, and her father was already failing to look past his nose.
As soon as the opportunity presented itself, Indigo excused herself from the table. She made her way to her room, and flopped down onto the unmade bed. She needed to do something, it seemed very likely that Melanie was only after her money, and she was powerless to stop it. Her father would never believe her on suspicion alone. She needed concrete evidence that Melanie was untrustworthy, and the chances of her getting it were slim to say the least. For over an hour, Indigo lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling; there had to be a solution, she just couldn't think of it. Then, her phone rang.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hi, is that Indigo?” the voice said.
“Yes, who is speaking?”
“Its Daniel,” the voice said, “you know, the guy you bumped into this morning.”
“Yes, but I told you to only call at four,” Indigo said.
“Well, it's 4 o'clock now,” said Daniel. There was a long pause, “I'll tell you what,” Daniel continued, “You sound a little out of things, why don't you meet me at the entrance to the village in five minutes, it might help take your mind off things.”
“Okay, it sounds good.” Indigo said unsurely.
“Cool,” said Daniel, “see you in five.” He put the phone down.
Grateful for the excuse to leave the house, Indigo put on her thick leather jacket, gloves and beanie, and walked into the icy winter air. The walk to the village seemed to take for ever, while the minute hand on her watch had only ticked once. She had arrived early, but doubted she would have to wait long for Daniel. Sure enough, Daniel arrived less than a minute after her.
“You're early,” he said, “And by the way, those ski goggles you were wearing earlier really don't suit you.”
“Is that your idea of a compliment?” laughed Indigo. “Well, I'm flattered, really.”
“Well, what do you want to do?” Daniel asked.
“I'm not really fussed,” said Indigo, “tell you what, why don't you surprise me.”
“Okay,” said Daniel, “I like that idea.”
Daniel steered Indigo through the streets. She talked with him, and momentarily forgot about all of her troubles. Daniel seemed to have this magical power to release all of her stress. It just seemed to escape her mind. Before she had managed to orientate herself, Indigo found herself in the Arcade. The arcade was almost empty, a prospect likely due to the fact that most of its usual occupants had not yet come off the ski slopes. A piece of classical rock music resonated from the speakers. This was a place that Indigo really could feel at home.
“What game do you want to play?” Daniel asked her.
“Oh, I don't mind,” she said, “as long as I get to hold a gun.”
The afternoon seemed to fly past. Countless games were played, several of which Indigo won. Daniel, however turned out to be as superb a gamer, as he was a skier. The vast majority of the games that they played against each other, he won. But that didn't matter. Indigo had had a great time. And so, it seemed, had Daniel.
The outside sky had darkened. Indigo had not noticed how long she had been there until her cell phone buzzed. She glanced at her phone, and let out a frustrated groan.
“What's wrong?” Daniel asked.
“Its nothing really,” said Indigo. “Its just that my father's got himself a new girlfriend, and he just told me that he was going to spend the evening with her.”
“I take it you don't like her.” Daniel said dryly.
That night, for the first time since her mother died, Indigo Haywood ate supper alone. Her father arrived back at the condo after midnight.
. You actually have no idea how much you helped me edit the story. That piece of advice about changing the "bumped" to "ran" was brilliant. I really didn't like that piece of dialog when I wrote it, as it didn't sound realistic at all. Not only has this helped add humor, but it has also improved the dialog's credibility. So thanks for that.
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