My Heroin

One more suckish poem added for YWS! And once more, tear it up!

And just so everyone knows, I was reading something on the internet the other day about people who cut themselves and their views on things which is where I got this idea.

I thought 'Hey, why not write a poem about this' and so here it is!




My Heroin


Pain,
is like a drug for me.

I just can't get enough of it.

The feeling hurts,
but it keeps my mind off the other things bothering me.

Pain,
is like a drug for me.

It makes everything better.

As if all of my problems slip away after each cut.

Pain,
is like a drug for me.

Pain.

Exactly my brand of heroin.

Exactly my brand of heroine.

Do you mean heroin? As in the drug, or heroine? As in the female hero?

I found the repetition of 'Pain is like a drug to me' to be boring and unimaginative. It's not a particularly arresting simile to begin with; repeat it a few times and it becomes even less.

This poem did nothing for me. It was mostly you telling me what pain does for you. I didn't see it, didn't feel it, wasn't sympathetic, nothing.

I think you need to expand on the notion, add character to it, make us care about said character and you need it to do it with better imagery and prose.

Cheers

First of all. It was very short. Second, you didn't show me the pain. You didn't let me feel it and that is a downfall. It was boring and my imagination didn't even switch on.

It makes [s]verything[/s](everything. Please check for silly spelling errors before posting something.) better.

[s]A[/s](As) if all of my problems slip away after each cut.

You didn't really work hard on this, did you?
It was completely unimaginative! This is a good idea, but the poem insults it. This poem is going to need more emotion, more explaining and so forth. This poem must be so realistic, that I must be this person who enjoys pain. I must imagine how the pain feels. This didn't do it for me.

heroine

Like Jiggity said. Do you mean the drug "heroin" or the hero version "heroine?"

I am a HUGE fan of repetition. If you've seen any of my poetry, you'd know that I am! However, it seems as if this whole poem crutches on it and is composed mostly of it.


Try adding more depth. It'd help a lot!

Adrian

Hmmmm... I didn't realize I spelled it wrong, that's what I get for writing this at like three in the morning...

I liked the repetition, but I thing more detail is needed. The pain of the person speaking isn't clearly illustrated, and in poems dealing with something this personal the pain is the key element. Try adding a bit more to make the poem more personal.

Keep writing

~Wynnyr