How Could This Not Be Real?

As I lay here on my floor...
I can taste your smell,
See the darkness and my body engulfed in yours.
I can feel your excessive warmth surrounding me,
And smell the alluring dash of cologne you wear.
Your heart pumps a steady beat on my back,
And now I remember...

The feeling was ignited.
The fire re-lit.
I’m surrounded by our emotion.
I know the strength of my passion could not be tainted, Jacob.
If this sensation is not real, stars, happiness, fields, flowers are not real.
If this sensation is not real, no one has ever loved,
Nor will anyone ever love.

hmmm... a couple things... the begginning line, i can taste your smell, i thought i was gonna be reading about one of your acid trips and or flashbacks... were you? and then, you mentioned jacob... who is this jacob character? i either assume he is your dealer or a close friend... either way, me thinks its just a little werid and offbeat you mention him only once out of the blue, and then not agian... i suggest getting rid of this john jacob jingle hymer man... but hey, do what feels right... or do what makes it a better poem... lol no jk!

emma.b wrote:As I lay here on my floor...I would remove the ellipses
I can taste your smell,
See the darkness and my body engulfed in yours. These next few lines are too wordy. Remember: this is poetry, not a story. Don't explain to us in such an excessive amount of detail. Poetry is allowed to be a bit vague.
I can feel your excessive warmth surrounding me,
And smell the alluring dash of cologne you wear.
Your heart pumps a steady beat on my back,
And now I remember...
The sensory details in this first stanza of the poem were very good (if not long). Details like these help set the mood of your poem. Make sure to keep that in mind.

The feeling was ignited.
The fire re-lit.
I’m surrounded by our emotion.
I know the strength of my passion could not be tainted, Jacob. Again, it gets a bit long. And who is Jacob? You have not made this clear at all. Is he the guy from the first stanza? Or are you talking to someone else?
If this sensation is not real, stars, happiness, fields, flowers are not real.
If this sensation is not real, no one has ever loved,
Nor will anyone ever love.This last line seems to have come up out of nowhere. I didn't understand it's importance or meaning at all. I think you should have built upon the statement: 'If this sensation is not real, no one has ever loved'.

I'm sorry if I came off really harsh
I'm just giving you an honest opinion, and it wouldn't be fair to you if I said this was phenomenal. Just keep up the good work!


*anti-pop

Hello, and welcome to YWS!

This is going to be an MTV review, meaning that I am trying to study and critique, and it's soooo not working, so this is probably going to be a short critique. So if I sound curt, it's not because of you. It's because I'm stressing out over finals.

Anyway! For your first stanza, cut out all your adjectives and adverbs, aka descriptive words that describe a noun or verb, and see what happens. Most likely, the poem will improve drastically. Right now, it seems like you're trying to stuff too many words into too small of a space.

For the second stanza... erm... you're going to want to make it make a bit more sense. I have no idea what "Jacob" you're talking about, but I'm guessing that the Jacob is not the one in my story. I'm guessing that it's your boyfriend? In any case, I don't know, and there are not enough clues to tell me. Besides, it's in a real awkward spot. I would want to put it in a place, not where the narrator is talking about herself (or himself, if the narrator is gay, but I doubt that) but where the narrator is talking about love. That way, it would be more romantic. But yeah. Right now, the second stanza is about the feeling that she has. Not about what they have together. So it sounds really selfish and bleh. I would include this mysterious Jacob more. It will make the poem that much more stronger.

Hope that helps!