The Crystal Chronicles: Sapphire

Chapter 1- The New Boy


I’ve never really had a thing for Biology. In fact, I’ve never really had a thing for anything anymore. Not since “IT” happened, anyway.
“IT” is a lovely way to describe it. It means that I don’t actually have to say the word out loud. Except for if someone asks me what “IT” is. I don’t tell them, of course. I can’t tell them. It’s too important. Usually, I just tell them a believable lie and then they tell me how sorry they are to hear that and leave me in peace. But some other people, who it is none of there business, I tell them to bugger off and leave me alone. But when I do that, they usually come back for more. Normally, my lie works, but some people can tell that it’s not true so they investigate further into it. Most people don’t even care. I’m invisible to them and that’s how I like it.
Ever since “IT” happened, I have purposely separated myself from all other human contact, physical or verbal. With an exception of my best friend, Jessica. But Jessie isn’t in my Biology class, so I’m all alone. She isn’t in many classes except Math and Physical Education, so usually I just sit at my own table and work silently. No one bothers me at all. No one asks questions about “IT”. No one really cares.
But when a new kid arrived at out school, I knew things were about to change... a lot.

Mrs. Beazley entered the classroom carrying a large pile of books which tended to rest gently on top of her large tummy. She dropped them on her desk out the front and then peered around the classroom at all us students through her large glasses. In my class, there are only about seventeen kids, but we are all pretty noisy, with an exception of me. Mrs. Beazley pushed her bug-eye glasses further up her long, bent nose and then got out the role.
“Harry? Monica? Louise? Sofie?” she called.
“Here,” I replied when she called my name. Then I looked back down at my book and began drawing little pictures in the margin. Once Mrs. Beazley had finished ticking peoples’ names off the role, she closed her book and looked at us sternly. I was used to her serious face because she never took it off. Mrs. Beazley has no sense of humour... at all. She has to keep a tight leash on most of the kids in my class, which is probably why she was given our Biology class.
“Today,” she boomed,” we are going to be looking at a video about the human brain. I am going to be writing some questions up on the board and I want you to answer them in your books.” It was always good when we watched a video because it meant we got out of doing much work. She droned on and on about how the brain works and how it is connected to the rest of the body before disappearing through a door at the front of the room. She emerged seconds later pulling a large TV on a cart.
There was a knock at the door and the familiar face of our principal, Mr. Ellis appeared. He walked inside the room, smiling at us, showing his brilliant white teeth. He waited for Mrs. Beazley to turn around before dragging her out of the classroom. As soon as she exited the room, the talking began.
I didn’t talk at all, but three girls across the table from me started chatting away and giggling between themselves; Monica, Caitlyn and Sarah. They were the school’s most popular, or as I call them, ‘plastic’ girls. They always wore make-up. They always have dyed hair. Monica was the one with bleach blonde hair, while Caitlyn had a dark brown with blonde foils and a blue extension. Sarah had black hair with red and blonde highlights. I looked over at the three of them, and Sarah threw me and evil glare. It didn’t scare me. I was used to it.
Mrs. Beazley entered the room five minutes later, escorting a boy with blonde hair and tanned skin. Monica, Caitlyn and Sarah all looked at each other and giggled. I just sighed and rolled my eyes. New kids always made them excited, especially if they thought they were good looking.
“Class, I would like you to meet Tyler. He’s a transfer student from Christchurch. I want you all to make him feel welcome here,” Mrs. Beazley said, placing a large, wrinkly hand on Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler smiled around the classroom, his eyes whizzing past the three girls near me until they rested on me sitting at the science table next to them. He stared straight at me for a while, which kind of gave me the creeps, so I looked away.
“There’s a spare seat next to Sofie, up the back there,” Mrs. Beazley said. I tried to signal to her to send him somewhere else, but she had already turned her back on the class and was putting the movie into the machine. I sighed and rolled my eyes as he walked down the aisle to my table.
“Hi,” he said cheerfully. “I’m Tyler.”
“Sofie,” I replied quietly. There was a shrewd cough next to us and we both looked at Monica, Sarah and Caitlyn who were all looking at us, well him in particular.
“Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just upset because she’s not pretty,” Monica said, twirling her long mane of blonde hair in her fingers and fluttering her eyelashes at Tyler. But he didn’t seem to notice.
“I think she’s pretty,” Tyler stated. The three girls burst out laughing. The glare Mrs. Beazley gave them shut them up pretty quickly though.
“Sofie, pretty? Are you blind?” Caitlyn laughed. I rolled my eyes.
“I think you must be, because you never seemed to be able to see where you were going when we were on stage, did you? You always managed to knock something over,” I said. Monica pulled a sour face.
“On stage?” Tyler asked with a quizzical expression.
“Performing; dancing,” Monica said. “Of course, we always have the spotlight these days.”
“Yeah, so you can see better,” I said. Monica pulled another sour face.
“Just stay out of this, loser. It’s got nothing to do with you,” Monica snapped. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to drawing in my book. Beside me, I could hear Monica droning on about how good she was at dancing. Yes, that was what we were arguing about- Dancing. I don’t do it anymore. Not since “IT” happened.
“Wait, wait! What?” Tyler asked.
“Yeah, I know. It’s strange, but true. Sofie did dance,” Monica said, rolling her eyes pathetically. Tyler turned to me.
“You used to dance?” he asked. I hadn’t wanted to let him find out that I used to dance. I sighed and nodded my head.
“Why did you quit?” he asked.
“She got into the world finals and then chickened out at the last minute.” Monica had already answered that question. This was the reason I didn’t want him to find out. It was true. I had made it to the World Finals for dancing, but I couldn’t do it on the day. Not because I was scared. But because of something else that happened on that day. That was the day “IT” happened. Of course, I told everyone who asked about it that I got stage fright and couldn’t do it. But in actual fact, I am fine with performing on stage.
“So you quit?” Tyler asked. I let out a deep breathe.
“So what if I did? It’s not really any of your business. It’s not like you dance or anything,” Gabi snapped.
“Actually, I do dance,” Tyler said. I could see the reaction that the three girls sitting across from us did out of the corner of my eye. It was a mixture of surprise and admiration, and planted on their faces, it didn’t look to well.
“Well then you’ve always got them to help you,” I said.
“But they didn’t make it to Worlds,” Tyler pointed out. I was getting angry. Why couldn’t he just mind his own business? I turned and looked at him.
“Look, Tyler. I don’t dance. I quit. I’m never dancing again. It was a mistake to even start dancing,” I said angrily.
Just then the bell went. None of us had answered any of the questions on the board so I knew we were going to cop the lot the next time we had Biology. I quickly shoved my book and pen into my bag and ran from the room as fast as I could. I had Maths next so I quickly made my way to my locker before hurrying away to class.
Ten minutes later I sat down next to my best friend, Jessica. She peered at me strangely while I rummaged around in my bag to find the books I had recently gotten out of my locker. I slammed them down on the desk and then looked at her familiar features.
Jess has dark brown hair which hangs in tight ringlets around her oval face. She has chalky white skin and large brown eyes that twinkle brilliantly in the sun. Jess and I have been best friends ever since kindergarten.
“What’s up with you?” Jess asked, frowning. I heaved a sigh.
“There’s this new boy in my Biology class who keeps asking questions about why I quit dancing,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to sound angry, but I couldn’t help the way the words zoomed out of my mouth. The expression on Jess’s face didn’t surprise me as I had seen it before. She always gets excited when a new kid comes to our school. Jess is the type of girl who has lots of boyfriends; good-looking ones too.
“Really?” she asked. “What does he look like?” I knew she would ask me that. I looked up from my book at the doorway to our class, half expecting to see him walk in surrounded by Monica, Caitlyn and Sarah.
“Check him out for your self,” I said, motioning with my head to the boy standing in the doorway waiting for Mr. Charmley to arrive. Jess followed my eyes up to the boy standing in the doorway. I watched her study him up and down, smiling and nodding occasionally. After a minute, she looked away, apparently pleased with what she saw. And she wasn’t the only one too. Every single girl in the class, except me, was staring at the new hot source that had just walked into the classroom, his bag slung coolly over his shoulder.
“So, why was he asking why you quit dancing? Did you tell him?” Jess asked curiously, sneaking another peek at Tyler. I couldn’t stand him. He had already gotten on my bad side and now I was in an angrier mood.
“Of course I didn’t! Monica let it slip when she was trying to chat him up in Biology. She’s not that good at it,” I replied. “He said he dances too.”
“Are you serious? Oh my god! I never knew such hot guys danced,” she laughed. I managed to chuckle a little to myself as well before Mr. Charmley appeared at the door. He strode inside the classroom.
Mr. Charmley is an extremely tall, very smart, maths teacher with blue eyes, short light brown hair and big feet. He had long, lanky arms and legs that in total would have been about the circumference of a very thin snake. He looked around the classroom before spotting Tyler standing at the end of his desk. Tyler handed him a piece of paper, which Mr. Charmley studied before handing it back to him.
“Do you know anyone here yet?” Mr. Charmley asked.
“I met Sofie in Biology earlier, sir,” Tyler said. Mr Charmley nodded and directed him down to the spare seat next to me. Why does there always have to be a spare seat next to me?
Tyler sat down next to me, grinning at me and Jess, who had leaned forward to get a closer look at him. He plonked his books on the table, while I stared angrily at him.
“Whoa! What did I do?” he asked, realising what the expression planted on my face was. I rolled my blue eyes and then turned to my book to start working on Trigonometry.
“Hi! I’m Jess,” Jess chirped from beside me. She reached a hand over and shook his hand.
“Tyler,” he said happily back. “At least someone around here is happy.” I knew he said that to offend me and get my attention. I looked up at him and threw him a glare. I could hear Jess whispering something to him across my back and I knew she was warning him not to say anything more about my mood. I knew he wouldn’t understand very well, but it was better that way.
About half an hour into the lesson, Jess slipped me a note into my hand. I, looking unsuspicious, unfolded it and read it. It said: I THINK HE LIKES YOU!!!!!!! I scolded at her and scrunched the note up, throwing it back at her. I felt a hand slip under my book and I thought for second that she was giving me another secret note, but I realised that it was actually coming from Tyler. I rolled my eyes and looked at the note.
WHY DID YOU QUIT DANCING?????, it said. I sighed and rolled my eyes again. Then I wrote a reply.
IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!, I replied. I pushed it back over it him. He read it and replied back.
WHY NOT????
BECAUSE ITS NOT!!!!!, I wrote back angrily. He looked at the note and wrote his reply before passing it back to me. Every so often we would look up at Mr. Charmley to make sure he wasn’t watching us.
WILL I EVER GET TO SEE YOU DANCE????
I’M NEVER DANCING AGAIN AND THAT’S FINAL!!!! I threw the note back at him and then began packing up my books just as the bell rang. I shoved them into my bag, slung my bag over my shoulder and began to walk out the room, Jess at my side. Tyler picked up his stuff and ran after us. He ran up to Jess’ side. I could see the pleasure glinting in her eyes.
“Why won’t I ever get to see you dance?” he asked.
“Because I’m never setting foot in a dancing studio again,” I said. Then me and Jess picked up the pace and walked away from him.
“He so likes you,” Jess giggled. I looked at her and rolled my eyes, shaking my head slightly.

This was actually pretty good.

To be completely honest, I'm not interested by stories that involve highschools. They're overused and boring and they don't have that many different directions they can go. But I think you did a really good job with what you had, even though it wasn't much.

CHARACTERS: I thought Sofie was drastically superior to most of the MC's that drift around in highschool. She had more of her own voice and she wasn't blatantly and hopelessly materialistic. Perhaps you could add a few more things about her in the first chapter--it doesn't have to be what she looks like, but maybe something about her besides the fact that she quit dance for a mysterious reason. Something about her that will make her more unique--perhaps some weird dialogue or a weird way of looking at random objects or even a less stereotypical best friend.

I like that you've made Tyler a little different from the normal guy, too. But try to use the same tactics on him as on Sofie. Just use your imagination and give him something that will really grab the readers attention. Something that will tell the reader that your story is different from the rest and worth reading.

PLOT/DESCRIPTION: The plot was a little shaky. It wasn't bad, but it didn't have a lot of depth. The "new kid" thing is horribly overused and it is virtually impossible to use it without sounding cliche. But if you are going to use it, try REALLY hard to add other elements to the story that will make it original.

Your writing is good, especially for your age--even though I don't like bringing age into it. Your grammar and punctuation is good and that is another thing that surprised me. Most thirteen year olds are CRAP in that area. Anyhow, the description was a little spare. You would add a lot of color to the story if you described things in intriguing ways. I liked the descriptions that you did give, but I also think you add a little more of Sofie's commentary, since it is from her perspective. And then the school, too: what does the classroom look like? are the desks all shiny or covered in scribbles and scratches and scary stickers? does the tiled floor remind Sofie of the slow descent into inevitable doom? Or something like that.

Wow. Long critique. Good luck with this and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

P.S. Read the rules. You MUST review two things before you post anything. Go review the two chapters of my story "Derivatives" and I won't throw you to the dastardly lions. Just kidding.

Oh, and change the title. If you can't think of a title, name it something like, "Obscurity in the Manners of a Self-Indulgent Guinea Pig". No one wants to read something that says it doesn't have a title. Use your imagination! ^_^

I tried to signal to her to send him somewhere else, but she had already turned her back on the class and was putting the movie into the machine. I sighed and rolled my eyes as he walked down the aisle to my table.
him.

“Do you know anyone here yet?” Mr. Charmley asked.
“I met Sofie in Biology earlier, sir,” Tyler said. Mr Charmley nodded and directed him down to the spare seat next to me. Why does there always have to be a spare seat next to me?

i found those two parts soo funny cause i couldnt stop laughing.. i like the story alot i felt there was too much of a gap to where tyler enters the story and when you say that the new kid would change everything.. in the beginning .. cause every time something happend i thought it was the new kid but he didnt come till a bit later..

im really interested in knowing what "IT" is lol

I really liked this. The characters are belivable, as are you situations. It's a good opening chapter, and the way you captured everyone's attention with "IT" is great. Awesome descriptions! I especially liked the description of Mrs. Beazley. The way you described her, showing us what she looked like but not boring us, was really good. I hope you write more so I can find out what "IT" is. I also liked the dialog between Sofie and the "populars". The only thing that kind of bugged me was the way you used five exclamation points or question marks when they were passing notes. You could probably shorten it down to one, or maybe even three, but you're the author so that's up to you.

Vet

“IT” is a lovely way to describe it. It means that I don’t actually have to say the word out loud. Except for if someone asks me what “IT” is. I don’t tell them, of course. I can’t tell them. It’s too important. Usually, I just tell them a believable lie and then they tell me how sorry they are to hear that and leave me in peace. But some other people, who it is none of there business, I tell them to bugger off and leave me alone. But when I do that, they usually come back for more. Normally, my lie works, but some people can tell that it’s not true so they investigate further into it. Most people don’t even care. I’m invisible to them and that’s how I like it.

I think you went on the tangent in the second paragraph. It's best if most of these details were omitted, in my opinion. The reader just want's to know about the problem at this point and all the extraneous details you put in this paragraph kind of breaks the flow of suspense.

Once Mrs. Beazley had finished t[/b]a[b]cking peoples’ names off the role

She has to keep a tight leash on most of the kids in my class, which is probably why she was given our Biology class.

This isn't really explained. You should probably change the first part of the sentnence to "she was obsessed with keeping a tight leash on the class," . It's not really explained why she was given that biology class.

“Today,” she boomed,” we are going to be looking at a video about the human brain. I am going to be writing some questions up on the board and I want you to answer them in your books.”

What is she doing showing a video about the human brain in biology class?

You give us a long conversation somewhere in the story when Tyler sits down, but you don't mention any of the details in the background. The movie playing, an annoying narrator speaking in a unintentional condescending manner, Mrs. Beazly reading a book-that sort of thing.

He strode inside the classroom.
Mr. Charmley is an extremely tall, very smart, maths teacher with blue eyes

I had Maths next

I think it's just math, not maths.

I think you should space the notes like this:

WHY DID YOU QUIT DANCING?????, it said. I sighed and rolled my eyes again. Then I wrote a reply.
IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!, I replied. I pushed it back over it him.
He read it and replied back.
WHY NOT????
BECAUSE ITS NOT!!!!!, I wrote back angrily. He looked at the note and wrote his reply before passing it back to me. Every so often we would look up at Mr. Charmley to make sure he wasn’t watching us.
WILL I EVER GET TO SEE YOU DANCE????
I’M NEVER DANCING AGAIN AND THAT’S FINAL!!!!

Why the heck are there so many question marks and exclaimation marks? Do people really write notes like that?

You do a good job at building up suspense in this story. It has potential, I suppose.

Hey there kiwiauthor_13. Remember me? I was the guy that PM'ed you lol.

Ever since “IT” happened, I have purposely separated myself from all other human contact, physical or verbal. With an exception of my best friend, Jessica.

Why though? Seems a bit drastic if you ask me.

I just sit at my own table and work silently. No one bothers me at all. No one asks questions about “IT”. No one really cares.

If no one really cares, then what does the narrator have to withdraw from?

But when a new kid arrived at out school, I knew things were about to change... a lot.

How so? From my experiences, when a new person joins a class, people do not really care.

Mrs. Beazley entered the classroom carrying a large pile of books which tended to rest gently on top of her large tummy.

You do not need to exactly describe how she's carrying the books. It is redundant.

In my class, there are only about seventeen kids, but we are all pretty noisy, with an exception of me.

Noisy how? Describe.

She has to keep a tight leash on most of the kids in my class, which is probably why she was given our Biology class.

Never use cliches in your writing. It brings nothing new to your writing. Find some other way to express "keep a tight leash on most of the kids".

Today,” she boomed,” we are going to be looking at a video about the human brain. I am going to be writing some questions up on the board and I want you to answer them in your books.”

Boomed? I tend to associate that word more with the firing of guns or the explosion of bombs etc.

It was always good when we watched a video because it meant we got out of doing much work. She droned on and on about how the brain works and how it is connected to the rest of the body before disappearing through a door at the front of the room. She emerged seconds later pulling a large TV on a cart.

Good. Glad you know that when it's video time, it means no work lol.

There’s a spare seat next to Sofie, up the back there,” Mrs. Beazley said. I tried to signal to her to send him somewhere else, but she had already turned her back on the class and was putting the movie into the machine. I sighed and rolled my eyes as he walked down the aisle to my table.

“Hi,” he said cheerfully. “I’m Tyler.”

“Sofie,” I replied quietly. There was a shrewd cough next to us and we both looked at Monica, Sarah and Caitlyn who were all looking at us, well him in particular.

Hrmm. I didn't find this particularly realistic. When new people join a class, they do not really make an effort to introduce themselves nor do the students in the class. I think it's because they think it's childish and unnecessary. That's just me though.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm. This was pretty interesting. You've portrayed the behaviours of teens in a classroom situation fairly well and your narrator has the tone of a teen. Well done. But there's room for improvement.

You shouldn't waste so much time describing how characters look. It doesn't do much to tell the story and is pretty pointless. Why do we need to know exactly as to what each person looks like?

In some places, you tend to generalize or exaggerate an idea. Take the third paragraph as an example. I find it pretty extreme that the narrator would do that. Are you able to justify the reasons as to why that is so? If you can't, then keep it more down to Earth. Really though, I didn't really get the impression that the narrator is a world-class dancer. She doesn't have that charisma and social status in the school. There is this guy in my school named Daniel Cullum that has taken part in numerous co-curricular activities. He has also taken part in numerous regional and national competitions like Rock Quest, Smokefree Stage Challenge, Theatre Sports, song writing competitions etc. In the school, he's well known. He gets along well with everyone that's in his class and would even be very friendly to his teachers and play jokes on them. One time in my English class, my teacher was talking about personal space, how in the public, adults would often keep their distance from a teenager. He then went up the class and stood next to the teacher and gave her a hug to test the theory out. It didn't work sadly lol. The teacher said "Oh but I know you Daniel." Daniel then replied "Oh drat!" and we were all laughing lol. Fun times. So yeah, my point is that there needs to be more of a persona and interaction with her peers and teacher to make your narrator seem like a world-class dancer. It's very hard to reach such a status so I'm surprised that she doesn't seem to be recognized in the school.

I think that's all I have to say. My quotations above should be able to speak for themselves. I didn't exactly focus so much on the line by line as I think your writing abilities are sound. You are one of the better writers that I've seen during my quest to get a review count of 750 so give yourself a pat on the back.

I'll be sure to check out chapter 2 later. Good work and good luck editing this.

Andy.

Thanks everyone for all your critiques... right now I'm not going to edit them because I like to edit my stories once I have finished them. I just find that it is easier.... I know that I have HEAPS to fix up... so thanks for helping everyone!

luv tegan! xx

I like it so far... I'm not such a big fan with the 'new kid' idea, but that's probably because I've used it so many times in my own stories.... I though it was hilarious how she always had an empty seat next to her! Mrs. Beazley kind of scared me... She sounds exactly like my math teacher! *shudder.* Nice story though, I really like it. I loved it how you refer to the unmentional incident as "IT!"

Good luck with your writings!!!