It ain't all sweet

I didn't write this. The words just stumble out, so... I'm not responsible if this is really, but really bad! (getting excuses for being a lousy poet, but this girl just won't give up =P) P.S: Is the word soulmate spelled right?
____________________________________________________________________

The one thing in the world
The number one reason for suicide
The most important matter for a girl,
Love.

The destruction of a boy
The famine for a certain body
To play with her like a toy,
Desire.

To fight and laugh
To be your soul mate
Your other half,
Friendship.

With all these feelings
Happy emotions
A person should feel complete
But it ain't all sweet

The uncertainty and the insecurity
Of not knowing if he's loyal
Staining your purity,
Torment.

Seeing her every move
Incapable of consuming her
To her, yourself you can't prove,
Unfulfilled.

To hurt your soul mate
For a stupid mistake
Sorry comes too late,
Sorrowfulness.

I didn't write this. The words just stumble out, so...

I know exactly what you mean!

But truly, I thought this was really good. I especially liked the style you wrote it it, or format you could say; with the one word line on the bottom of each stanza. About this though: I would put a comma at the end of each line before the last one, to make a pause there and make that last word have greater effect and emphasis.

With all these feelings
A person should feel complete
But it ain't all sweet

Although this is a good stanza, it's shorter than the rest, so I feel as if it doesn't flow quite right... this could be fixed by just adding an extra line... I actually think it would be nice to just repeat the bottom line of it twice.

Um what else.... oh yes, soulmate is spelled right... I was going to say that it was two words, but I looked it up, and it can be spelled both ways

And the last stanza is my absolute favorite, and a great ending!

Good job on this, and keep it up!

It's really nice. I loved the way you flowed through the emotions. I'm not a good poet but I sure can recognize something good =)
1.

With all these feelings

Happy emotions

A person should feel complete

But it ain't all sweet

Yes, changing into four lines worked. It sounds much netter now.

Though, I feel there should be a full stop after 'It ain't all sweet.'


2.

Seeing her every move

Incapable of consuming her

To her, yourself you can't proof,

Unfulfilled.

I think it should be "you can't prove" because "proof" is a noun and I don't think it should be used here.
Well if I'm wrong please tell me.

Anyways, I don't usually comment on poems but this compelled me to. I just loved it. As 1dering at stars said, the single word in the last line makes the poem really brilliant!

Keep up the good work!:smt001
-Lava

*writewatiwant* wrote:I didn't write this. The words just stumble out, so... I'm not responsible if this is really, but really bad! (getting excuses for being a lousy poet, but this girl just won't give up =P) P.S: Is the word soulmate spelled right?
____________________________________________________________________

The best thing on the world [shouldn't on be in??
The number one reason of suicide
The most important matter for a girl,
Love.

The destruction of a boy
The famine for a certain body
To play with her like a toy,
Desire.

To fight and laugh
To be your soulmate
Your other half,
Friendship.

With all these feelings
Happy emotions
A person should feel complete
But it ain't all sweet

The uncertain and the insecurity
Of not knowing if he's loyal
Staining your purity,
Torment.

Seeing her every move
Incapable of consuming her
To her, yourself you can't proof, [proof or prove?
Unfulfilled.

To hurt your soulmate
For a stupid mistake
Sorry comes too late,
Sorrow.

I liked your second stanza. The fourth stanza differs from all the others and I don't think it worked well with the flow of your poem but for all the rest, great. It was a great read.

I thought that it was brillant! It was so true to life! (and I do the exact same thing with the words tumbling out when I write...) Everyone else caught the points I wanted to make so, keep writing, it was a great poem!

Hey there!!!!
Thanks all for the reviews!
I reviewed it, and hopely, improved it
Thanks again!

I didn't write this. The words just stumble out, so... I'm not responsible if this is really, but really bad! (getting excuses for being a lousy poet, but this girl just won't give up =P) P.S: Is the word soulmate spelled right?

Erm... soulmate isn't a word it's two words, isn't it?

The best thing in the world

The number one reason of suicide

The most important matter for a girl,

Love.

Good first stanza, though it's rather lacking in commas, you need some more commas methinks.

The destruction of a boy

The famine for a certain body

To play with her like a toy,

Desire.

I think the problem here is that boy and toy rhyme whether that is intentional or unintentional I am not sure but it's kinda awkward. Otherwise, good stanza

To fight and laugh

To be your soulmate

Your other half,

Friendship.

Erm... why do the second stanza and the third stanza rhyme but the first doesn't?

With all these feelings

Happy emotion

A person should feel complete

But it ain't all sweet

Good

The uncertain and the insecurity

Of not knowing if he's loyal

Staining your purity,

Torment.

I love this stanza! But shouldn't uncertain be uncertainty? I think you meant that but made a typo...?

Seeing her every move

Incapable of consuming her

To her, yourself you can't prove,

Unfulfilled.

I really like this stanza xD

To hurt your soulmate

For a stupid mistake

Sorry comes too late,

Sorrow.

Like this one too

This was a really good poem. Much better than any poem I could write xD
I really enjoyed it, but why do all the stanzas rhyme except the first? Overall though, this was a great poem
Well done
xxx

Thanks! I'll review the points you mention. Thanks again!

Hi, WriteWhatIWant! You're my first critique in a couple of weeks! Here it goes.

The best thing in the world

The number one reason of suicide

I've read over this and you want it to sound and be true about the earth, the world, right? I think you should alter the word 'best' in the first line. Maybe you could go with, 'One'. This sounds better to me because it narrows it down, your best thing in the world is not the same as someone else's.


The number one reason of suicide? This is opinionated, or is this how you wanted it? Opinionated. Anyway, I think it would sound better if you made this statement more broad. Even though you want to single it down, when you talk of a broad reason, have a broad sentence.

To be your soulmate

soul mate, or soul-mate.

With all these feelings
Happy emotions
A person should feel complete
But it ain't all sweet

I thought this was the best stanza of the poem. It flowed nicely, but to add even more you might want to add the word 'and' right before 'Happy'. I also love how you start turning the poem 'harsher' after this. I absolutely love the last line!

The uncertain and the insecurity
Of not knowing if he's loyal
Staining your purity,
Torment.

First line might sound better like this, "Uncertainties and insecurities". Just my thought on it. Why would it stain your purity? maybe you could replace purity with mind, heart, or thoughts. Purity doesn't fit so well but I could see how it could be there, maybe.

Look at the second to last stanza, last word. I Think a different word might work better here. You have to decide that though.

I thought it was an ok finish. I also think you could have done a lot more with it as well. I give this poem 7/10 which could raise if you just polish it up. I did like it, really, just some things to work out. If and when you do this I will look at it again!


All the best,


---Jon---

Hiya. ^^ I’m Sam. I’m a little new at this and I hope I don’t sound too harsh. Let me know if I am please. ^^

The number one reason of suicide

‘of’ should be ‘for’.

But it ain't all sweet

Ain’t isn’t a word. I know, I know…sorry but it isn’t.

Okay, that’s really all I could find when it comes to grammar/spelling…ect. There’s only one other thing I’d like to point out, I like the pattern scheme you have. Three descriptions then a word…I like that. ^^ I can’t really say anything else…Other than great job. ^^

Well, i've been reading some of your poems,and this is my favourite by far.I'm new in the YWS and all the others good writers have already corrected you, I have nothing to say!
This piece of work was very good, keep on going!

Thanks again for all the reviews!
Shauni: I don't want to be bragging but you ARE MY BFF so you kindda now my work

Thanks again!