Holdin' it down

It's short, sorry. I don't know if people will get it or not.


I’m holdin’ it down.
Writing my timesheet,
pen slips off-
squealing

Smiling in the corridor
arms start to shake
feeling it shiver,
below me

Battle in P.E
hope they can’t see
my legs flail
No hope.

Drinking a beer
numbing what’s coming
losing control
and snap.

Hm.

It seems to me as though there is a story here, but its one I mostly missed. It takes a place in a school; there is a progression of time and place, yes? So shouldn't this be in Narrative Poetry?

feeling it shiver,
below me

Feeling what shiver below you?

Not only did I fail to grasp what you're trying to convey - a failing that could be purely personal, I admit - I wasn't grabbed by any of the imagery herein. None of it stood out, was exceptionally creative or poignant, or meant anything to me.

*shrug*

Could be a personal thing, again. Hope this helped.

Cheers

Definitely Narrative poem.

Okay I see the story...I think.
Sorry. I failed to see what you tried to tell me. It is either I'm a retard or it isn't a good poem. Which one I don't know...(Yeah right)

Smiling in the corridor
arms start to shake
feeling it shiver,
below me

The last 2 lines need to be explained. Anything can shiver. lol

Battle in P.E
hope they can’t see
my legs flail
No hope.

...okay... A bit unclear. I understand the entire P.E. class thing, but the last two lines kind of breaks it. I think I can see him as one of those small nerdish kid trying to prove something, but not succeeding.
(Sounds familiar...and if you think I'm talking about me, you are wrong. I'm not even the size.)

Drinking a beer
numbing what’s coming
losing control
and snap.

I actually liked this stanza. Really like the tempo and it immediately kills the energy at the end with the last line.

All in all: I like it. It's just I can't grasp the story line and that some parts need more explanation.

Hm think I'll bin this one. It really is a bit too personal. Thanks for the advice.

Ducati wrote:Hm think I'll bin this one. It really is a bit too personal. Thanks for the advice.

Actually, what you may want to do is to make it so wild and dreamlike that it is too crazy to be real so nobody will suspect you of anything. So what Silvia Plath did was this poem:

Daddy

And it's crazy! It compares her father with Hitler and says that she marries him, and a lot of people think, "That's totally not real." She's exaggerated it to the max! Inside the poem though, there are flashes of reality and there's a lot of pain, but people have to really read into it to see what was going on. And even after reading a lot of her work, I still don't know why she committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven and letting the flames consume her, after sealing the kitchen so that her children wouldn't die. That's just... crazy. She had a very painful life. If she could express her pain, I'm sure you can too. And I'm not saying that you're going to do what she did. (In fact, please don't... if you have any sort of suicidal thoughts/eating disorders/abuse problems/whatever, come to me. I counsel people on that all the time, and I can probably help you as well... it's really no problem. We want you alive so you can write better! ) And it's going to be painful, but at least that gets it out. And writing is a lovely way to get those sorts of poisons out.

So I would suggest revising it into something crazy. The best things I've read on here are deeply personal, but I don't feel shamed by those people who write it. They are simply celebrating humanity by writing about their struggles.

Anyway, hope that helps!

I thought poetry was all about the personal, about really laying yourself bare. Being obscure doesn't help anyone; doesn't make anyone feel anything. Poetry is, among other things I believe, about emotion. If not your own, then that of someone else. If you can't convey your own feelings, at least try and evoke something in us.

It's not happening right now and if hits too close to home, you don't have to either.

I'm not asking you to spell it out, but if you could make the inherent feelings more clear, it would be better for all.

Cheers

Ducati wrote:It's short, sorry. I don't know if people will get it or not.


I’m holdin’ it down.
Writing my timesheet,
pen slips off-
squealing

Smiling in the corridor
arms start to shake
feeling it shiver,
below me

Battle in P.E
hope they can’t see
my legs flail
No hope.

Drinking a beer
numbing what’s coming
losing control
and snap.

Umm. Is it about, umm I don't get it. Whats it about?

what do you mean by numbing? Do you mean the corrider shivers below you or your arms? Umm, please make this clearer.